Why is Lauren Conrad so endlessly captivating? And why, even if you wholeheartedly reject/denounce that statement, do you on some level agree with it too? This 89-second clip of her appearance on Letterman last night kind of hints at a clue! Letterman — at his grandfatherly condescendingly best — calls Spencer Pratt a "newt," prompting L.C. to rack her brain for the middle school biology lesson in which she learned what the fuck a "newt" was. (Google: an amphibian.) So Lauren lost that battle but she still wins the war: she has somehow remained, if vapid and boring and abidingly worthless, the only person in reality TV who has not, after all of this, become a "persona." No, she is a human. And Spencer Pratt is a reptile.

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