This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is Thin

Another Wednesday, another Midweek Madness! The best headline (and visual image) this week comes to us courtesy of Star: "Lindsay's Lesbian Tug-Of-War." But of the five weekly tabloid covers? The same old players are featured: Two for Jennifer Aniston; one for Brad and Angelina; one for Suri Cruise and one for Lauren Conrad. Maria-Mercedes Lara and I have a field day with the gossip inside of Life & Style, OK!, Us, In Touch and Star, after the jump.

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is Thin

Life & Style
"Where's Suri?" Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter is missing! Not really. Suri has been taking dance classes and going to playgroups at the Scientology Center. Shocking. Also inside: Brad and Angelina try to be normal, but they can't! Because they do extraordinary things like fly planes, ride motorcycles and hang with Bill Clinton. Sigh. Lindsay Lohan refused to walk the red carpet at an event because Paris Hilton's name was on the backdrop. Is Madonna having a mid-life crisis? She flirts with younger men and admitted to taking ecstasy once. Whatev. In an interview with Sarah Jessica Parker, she says she loves sex scenes: "Bring me the next fabulously attractive man!"
Grade: D- (Egg & spoon race)

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is Thin

OK!
"Jen's Magic Diet... That Works!" Listen, we did not read the entire four page story about Jennifer Aniston's body because it's extremely hard to care, but: She does yoga, she meditates, she learns to accept herself, etc. And she takes care of her hair, because it used to be "Too dark, too long, too fuzzy, too kinky." Also inside: Vanessa Williams has a beauty tip for acne: Morning urine on the face. "I did it — I tried to do it and then I was like, I'm not doing it." She used ProActiv instead. Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani could be working on a love duet! There's four pages of women who are "Getting Sexier With Age" and they include: Rihanna (???) Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry and Demi Moore. Katie Holmes is designing for Armani: a line for toddlers for spring 2009, followed by a collection for older children in fall 2009, then a line of handbags in 2010 and maybe women's clothes after. (Except, um, this story has been debunked.) Scary diet trends! Madonna got injections, Katherine Heigl smokes, Mary-Kate Olsen is a caffeine addict, Julianne Moore is "hungry all the time." Carnie Wilson is heavy again at 208 lbs but says she doesn't think of herself as a failure. "I want to lose 45-50 lbs and then try to have a baby," she says. After which she'll probably want to lose. Again. One more C-List star has a weight-loss story: Shar Jackson has lost 20 lbs. "I am 115 lbs. and when people see me and blog about it, they say I'm fat," she says. Sigh.
Grade: D (Sack race)

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is Thin

Us
"How I Was Stabbed In The Back." Lauren Conrad has been constantly betrayed by friends. She poses in a somber photo shoot to prove it! Audrina has been banished to the guest house while Lo is in the main building. Meow! Moving on: Us casts the Spitzer movie: John Malkovich as Eliot Spitzer; Jennifer Aniston as Silda ("No stranger to the trials of infidelity") and Kim Kardashian as Ashley Alexandra Dupre, aka Kristen. There are also pictures of the real Ashley Alexandra Dupre: Did you know she was living in a $4,000 a month studio in Chelsea? Effing real estate.
Grade: D+ (Three-legged race)

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is Thin

In Touch
"It's A Boy... And A Girl!" Brad and Angelina are going to move to France, she loves being pregnant, they used fertility treatments, etc. Stuff you already know. No new news. Moving on. Nicole Kidman's baby bump is still so small because "some people gain weight differently." A friend says to keep the baby healthy, Nicole would "gain 100 lbs. if necessary." El oh el. Plus: Adnan Ghalib's girlfriend Amanda Pagel didn't realize he was sleeping with Britney Spears while they were seeing each other. Amanda's texts prompted Britney to throw Adnan's iPhone in the pool. Audrina from The Hills says she doesn't want a boyfriend; she wants to focus on acting. Katie Holmes is stealing Suri's style! They wear similar jackets. Britney Spears kept forgetting her lines on the set of How I Met Your Mother and the shoot which started at 3:30 pm, went until midnight, because of Brit. Hey, candidates look like stars! Hillary Clinton=Ellen DeGeneres, Barack Obama=Denzel Washington (??) and John McCain=Steve Martin. Ugh. Lastly, an "At Home With Mischa Barton" shoot has her awkwardly posed while twirling a floaty frock on a staircase in her house. Glamorous!
Grade: C (Red rover)

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is Thin

Star
"Jen, Kate & Owen: Love Triangle!" When Owen Wilson started shooting a movie in Miami with Jennifer Aniston, it didn't bother Kate Hudson, but then he started telling Kate "how cool and pretty" Jen is and Kate got worried. To help Owen decide which woman to choose, the magazine breaks down their stats on a page (Fig. 1) called "How They Measure Up." Classy! Also inside: Did Ali Lohan have her lips plumped? (Fig. 2) Keep in mind that she is 14 years old. Sean Penn wants Robin Wright back! A source says "He calls her at all hours of the night to ask for her forgiveness, but she hangs up on him." Lauren Conrad and Entourage star Kevin Connolly: It's on! "They have not made a commitment or gone public with their relationship but often meet up for late-night booty calls," says a source. Matt Lauer's wife has stopped wearing her wedding ring and a friend says, "He's married to NBC." Nicole Richie's dog peed on a $1,000 dress in a chi-chi boutique! And there's a picture! Nicole bought the dress, and had it dry cleaned, of course. Plus: Lindsay Lohan is in a lesbian tug-of-war! LL's ex-"roommate" Courtenay Semel is pissed that Lindz is with Sam Ronson. Lindsay's been wearing a diamond ring with the initials SR. Sam is "100% in love with her," says a source. A pal claims Courtenay is "steaming mad that Lindsay has gone back" to Sam. Ooh, Dancing With The Stars drama: Cheryl Burke and Drew Lachey had an affair! Her boyfriend, Matthew Lawrence (Joey's brother), caught them having oral sex backstage in a dressing room. Drew is married and has a 2 year old daughter. Scandalous! Ooh-la-la, the pictures of Angie and Brad's ivy-covered "French Dream Home" look soooo nice. Six bedrooms and a pool! Halle Berry's baby daddy might actually move in with her. He's closed his NYC restaurant and will move to L.A. to be an actor. "He will do a soap opera if he has to," a source spills.
Grade: C+ (Duck duck goose)

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is ThinS




Fig. 2

This Week In Tabloids: Suri's Missing, LC's Been Stabbed, Jennifer Aniston Is ThinS