Jezebel
For a lot of us, masturbating is like eating: It's something we need to do to survive, and we've evolved beyond using our hands. (Or maybe it's just that some of us are so lazy that we've come to rely on technological advances to do it.) So when I packed to go on an 8-day vacation last week, I surveyed my vibe collection to see which would be the most travel-friendly for a trip with a large group of people sharing bedrooms in an open, airy beach house. In the end, I decided against packing any of them, because I knew they were all too loud or large to not draw attention. But by day 6 of my trip I was going out of my mind, and I decided I needed to be a little more self-reliant in self-pleasuring. I began compiling a mental list of items found in a typical household that aren't intended to help one masturbate (and that aren't "personal massagers"), but still help out with the task, and then went about testing each one. My results, after the jump.
1.) Electric Toothbrush The first time I ever turned on my electric toothbrush I had an almost Pavlovian response to that familiar buzzing sound, and my vagina began to drool, but I'd never bothered to try it out... until the other day. I removed the bristle head, and placed the vibrating metal stem onto my outer lips (I was too scared to put it right on my clit, since it looked like it could be a little sharp). The problem with this is that without the head on the toothbrush, the stem is way too thin to really do anything substantial. Of course, some sex toy shops sell attachments designed specifically for such an occasion, but not all of us have the foresight to do something like that. Necessity is the mother of invention, so I grabbed some toilet paper and rapped it around the stem to form sufficient padding, and that did the trick. Sure it didn't hold a candle to my Magic Wand, but it lit me up anyway.
2.) Cell Phone Okay, so I've actually tried using my phone on vibrate to get off many a (drunken) time before, but it was always an exercise in futility. However, for those of you who have an iPhone, you may have heard about iBrate, an application you can download that can actually turn your iPhone into a vibrator. It's still sort of a lame substitute, since the vibe is a little to soft and steady for my liking (i can haz pulsing, pleeeze?), but at least it can get you to a certain level of excitement and then your hands and arms can come in and finish you off.
3.) Neutrogena Wave When I first saw the commercial for the Neutrogena Wave — a "power cleanser" for your face — I was like, "That's a straight-up vibrator." Unfortunately, I didn't have one of these bad boys while on vacation, but I obtained one since, and have been testing it out today, and dude, it's a straight-up vibrator. It's just as good as any silver bullet vibe, but it's quieter. Also, on the box, it says "penetrates deeper." Heh heh.
4.) Bath Tub Faucet Everyone is always going on about detatchable shower heads, and they're great and all, but they're the sort of luxury item for people who frequent Brookstone or Restoration Hardware. I'm all about the bathtub faucet, because it has a powerful gush of water, and the crappier your apartment, the more unsteady (thus exciting!), the flow can be. I actually picked this up at a really young age because I heard it being talked about on Married With Children.
5.) Washing Machine It's a little clichéd, but honestly, an unbalanced washing machine on the spin cycle is just about the best ride you can take on a hunk of metal that doesn't have wheels. If you really want it to be fun, throw some sneakers in there, or place a large load of heavy towels or maybe some pillows in, but only on one side.
Comments
I KNOW I'm not the only 4th grader to have used her squiggle wiggle writer for unintended purposes...
I'm so happy you've returned, Slut Machine.
The razors that vibrate? When you're hard up, they'll do.
the hand is both silent and always on..hand. So to speak.
I cannot get off with the washing machine. I've tried. I think I need more direct stimulus. I can use the shower head, but the tap's never worked, either. I think I would just stick to my hand, too, even though I'm terribly lazy.
@J.D.Regent: You are not alone.
and think, all guys get is an old tube sock.
It's called a HAND, SM! Vibrations are nothing compared to a nice finger massage. But discovering this is like Dorothy learning that, to return home, she just had to click her heels together three times. She could have done that all along, but she had to discover it for herself...
@Dear Blond Diary...: amen
this will help me pack for my trip to san francisco.
@J.D.Regent: A-fucking men.
@J.D.Regent: I finished reading the article and said "I can think of a sixth" and lo and behold, the FIRST comment read my mind! I was a slave to my squiggle pen for years until I mustered up the courage to buy my first vibrator!
I'm not so sure I'd want my toothbrush and vibrator to be one and the same. Not liking the vagina/mouth connection.
I hope this doesn't scare you, SM. But when I read these posts I just want to get really drunk and naked with you so you can help me figure this shit out.
How can I possibly be so shy with myself?
What about the breathing though? How do you hide that if you are in the room with others? this is a college roommate problem, yes?
um, I approached my g/f with my new Phillips Sonicare. She freaked. Not from it, but that I was offering a "nice" object of affection. Hey, I was like, I have my own brush and this thing has a massage mode...just watch that pointed tip! ;)
Can someone share some faucet techniques? I can't get the position right. Maybe my bathtub is funny, I dunno.
@phantom lady: Or you can just shop for one there....
I share a washer with my neighbor. I don't think he'd appreciate my using it as a masturbatory device.
Wouldn't it be better to use the electric toothbrush upside down, where the end is blunt? Maybe it's not vibe-y enough on the bottom end though.
Oh man, you made my vagina scream when you said you used the metal part in a toothbrush. In my toothbrush, that part is very sharp.
Also, my vagina is somewhat of a pussy.
Heh.
Best comeback ever!
I have used the toothbrush, the washing machine, the faucet and my cell phone. Hmm must go pick up the wave.
@disgruntledcubemonkey: I value my socks too much to abuse them thusly. My hand is not, and always will be, my best friend.
Those little bath mits, with a spot for your thumb. The microfiber ones are very nice with a scented soap.
Lame? I heard the tub faucet one on Midwest Teen Sex Show. And I was like, "Oh, yeahhhhh."
also, Japanese toilets present numerous possibilities. Hard to pack, though...
@funnyface: me three...
I demand pictures of your dog looking longingly at your toothbrush. 'Cause those "chocolate peen" pictures with him (her?) were the best!
I had a high school buddy who had a fetish for pleasuring his girl with his cell phone (back when such thangs had five-inch long antennas).
@miele: That's funny, I LOVE a good vagina-mouth connection.
@phantom lady: Going to SF, dont bring a thing, shop. Good Vibrations, Big Als...etc....one of the best cities for toy shopping in the goddamn world!
Waterpiks are where it's at!
oh and
vibrating plush toys for pets, there is a whole aisle of them at Petsmart! I am particularily fond of my Purr-tenders plush vibrating kitty ( I am not kidding).
Um...for the bathtub faucet? Best position is with your feet up on the wall directly under the faucet. You don't want the pressure on too much or too hot!
Dear Slut Machine
Please do not defile my Sonicare Toothbrush. I love it so and my addiction to it has lasted well over a decade.
Pickles
I just don't give a shit, I'll bring my vibrator ANYWHERE. I'm surprised that I haven't started carrying it in my purse.
I once got grounded when my mom caught me sitting on the washing machine on several occasions (we were pentacostal, so it was forbidden). She actually took it out of the house to punish me and put it in the cold garage.
@Cunning_Linguist: I love the vibrators that are DESIGNED to carried in a purse, and come with carry cases that look like first aid kits.
@hamburgerhotdog: omg! did she explain to the rest of the family why?
@hamburgerhotdog: but did that stop you?
@Archetype: uh, hi, are you my twin, or ME?
@hamburgerhotdog: I do my best writing on the washing machine. Maybe it let's the, ahem, creative juices flow?
When I got my Magic Wand, I got mad at my old vibrator, like it was a bad ex-boyfriend "To think of all the years I wasted on you!"
@gold_gato: No, but she totally examined my underwear for evidence and grounded me once on suspicion alone.
Hey hey hey, what about dildos? Lotsa things make for a great dildo.
Kids today.
@Mellalune: Seriously! I'm no prude, but I have never been able to figure out the logistics of faucet masturbating. I need a diagram.
@hamburgerhotdog: You were forbidden to see the washing machine? Did it ever try to sneak in your bedroom window and convince you to run away with it?
I don't recommend trying the washer technique whilst at the laundromat. Some people are all uptight and stuff.
@hamburgerhotdog: Wow, seriously? That is pretty fucked up.
Forget the bathtub faucet...jacuzzi tubs are where it's at. My parents never questioned why my "back hurt" all the time... ;-)