What Should Jezebels Really Expect When They're Expecting?

There are so many dirty little secrets about giving birth that don't get shown on the silver screen. I still remember the combination of revulsion and awe I felt when I discovered that many women shit themselves during labor. Revulsion because, ew. Awe because of the wondrous inner workings of the female body! What To Expect When You're Expecting has been the book to buy in debunking these "secrets" of pregnancy since it was first published in 1984. The fourth edition is set to be released next month, and, according to Publishers Weekly, the update includes, "expanded sections on working during pregnancy, expectant beauty, preconception and fatherhood. The chapter on eating while pregnant is more realistic than ever." We're all about keeping it real here at Jezebel, so the childless whores on staff are wondering: what kinds of things should women expect while they're pregnant that probably didn't make it into the book?

Recent news reports claim that women should expect giving birth to be incredibly hurty. They say that these days, "the gulf between a woman's expectations of what will happen during labour and the reality is now so wide that many need to be prepared for the worst." To this I ask, where are these women's mothers? My mother told me that when she was giving birth to me she begged for more drugs and kept yelling over and over again, "GET IT OUT!"

But besides the searing pain, what else should be known? Do you start emitting supernaturally powered farts? Does your hair get really shiny? Do you really start craving pickles? We want answers!

'What To Expect' Readies For A Rebirth [Publishers Weekly]

Women Should Be Warned That Childbirth REALLY Is Painful, Say Medical Researchers [Daily Mail]