Jezebel
The Vatican has been so busy lately — condemning the war in Iraq, changing the date of St. Patrick's Day, bankrolling Anne Hathaway's boyfriend in hopes he will help them pay their mountainous legal fees — that you might have missed it last week when they put out a new list of Seven Sins. Well, they were zeitgeisty! But since I'm sure very few of you are really making wayyyy too much money or laying waste to the environment or conducting research on stem cells, I didn't know how relevant they would be to Jezebel. Which is why we decided to rewrite the list to better address our favorite topic du jour: Eliot Spitzer. And, you know, boys. Herewith, our Seven Dudely Sins.
Entitlement
Really. We're in a "relationship" now? Isn't that a little presumptuous? You know I'm just "settling" on my current husband...how exactly? Are you aware of the world outside your own cocoon of baffling self-assurance? You sent that eleventh text message without reply because you're so very certain I will finally succumb to your charms...based on what? You're unattractive, unemployed and uncharming and yet you tell everyone I'm your type because...women like me have managed to see virtue in you in the past? Why must you assume I am desperate? And why must you assume that I fucked you before, therefore I will fuck you now? Why must you assume that I ever really wanted to fuck you to begin with? That you weren't just a pity fuck in the first place? Did I even attempt to fake an orgasm? Were you even paying attention? Wait, hold on a second, I don't get mad often, so when I fucking get mad, will you fucking look at me when I'm talking to you? Oh my God, are you checking that girl out? Seriously? Which brings me to...
Wandering Eye (Related: the "No Club That Would Have Me As A Member" Club)
You think there's something hotter/smarter/prettier/cooler around the corner. Guess what? THERE IS. ALWAYS. IT WILL NEVER END. SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE, GUYS. You can't fuck all of them. And why the fuck should they fuck you?
'Bros Before Hoes'-ism
You know what females are sick of? Loyalty. Fuck it, you know? We have enough. We don't need it from men. We're strong. Why would we need you to stick up for us ever? Especially our male friends, when they set us up with their male friends and something goes wrong. It's cool to be a leper sometimes, it's like we get to experience apartheid. But like, did it ever occur to you that the guy who coined that phrase, "Bros before hoes," did so because he never got laid?
Compartmentalization
Hey baby, will you tell me that story about how you came in that girl's face that night while shouting our her best friend's name, just to fuck with her? It's cool, because I know you would never do a thing like that to me because our relationship is totally different and you actually view me as more than just, as you so charmingly put it, a "cum dumpster." I feel really special that you made that leap with me.
Delusions of Grandeur
I dated a guy once who, I shit you not, had a two-sided To-do list pinned to his bulletin board. Facing up, we had some mundane reminders — buy a new lamp, exercise more — but if you turned it over, there were a few more. "Write sequel to The Prince." Now, see: that guy had been trained. He had ambitions, sure, but he knew better than to wear him on his sleeve in an attempt to make you think they might interfere with your plans to get Indian food.
Testosterone Supremacy (Related: overuse of terms such as "crazy", "PMS", "drama", "aggro"...)
Hey! I know men are better at math and science, but just where is the book that told dudes that estrogen was the driver of all female emotion? And that our hormones not only render all our thoughts and feelings wild and irrational, but that they blind us to any sense of reason that might lead us to screen the grievances we air to men for accuracy, logic and fairness? Because we're completely oblivious to the fact that women are biologically more emotional than men and therefore can never be told enough that we are engaging in "drama" or being "crazy." Unless we do hear that enough, and stifle our instincts and emotions and learn to choose our battles to the point that we actually get a reputation for being "chill," in which case it is an invitation for our dude friends to profess their love for us and chalk it up to our massive repressed numbness when we find ourselves unwilling to reciprocate. (See this sentiment expressed in Crap Email form here.)
Reciprocation
You know what is fair and just and true,
And it ends in -ilingus if we've gone down on you.
Related: Why Can't You Resist This Woman? [Details]
Earlier: Why Must All Dudes 'Always Be Closing'?
Boys Who Use The Word "Drama": An Investigation
Comments
OH SNAP. I endorse this.
Hey baby, will you tell me that story about how you came in that girl's face that night while shouting our her best friend's name, just to fuck with her?
I'm begging, begging, begging you to tell me you made this up as simply the worst thing you could think of. Please.
I do commit the sin of Grandeur, but since I'm also lazy, I've never bothered to even write a list down.
In my experience, the "Bros before Hos" guys are ALWAYS the ones who don't get any "hos." Its easy to put your boys first if you never get teh sex.
ladies, can I not count, or is that only six?
Err... I only see 6 sins here...
What am I not guilty of???
teh gayz have an extra 427 sins aggregated to that list.
@CristinaS: Girls aren't good at math.
I don't know Jez...I haven't dated any guys who do douchy stuff like this. Seriously.
Also, I'm gonna pass on that leper/apartheid experience.
I've been working so hard on doing all the others, now there's more shit on the shit? Hedonism is a tought job, bitches.
@CristinaS: Heh. You're right. And right after mentioning men are better at math too. Ouch.
All true, but we can take solace in knowing that some dudes openly admit their douchebag-ness. [cajunboyinthecity.blogspot.com]
Sadly, I'd accept a handful of these sins if the rest of the dude was kinda decent.
@Macloserboy: like my coach always used to tell me: there are three kinds of people in the world. those that are good at math, and those that aren't.
@CristinaS: #7: Socks with sandals. No, just no.
@Sugarless: Yeah, uh, me neither. And I've dated some assholes. Damn.
@Macloserboy: Making a list of my grand ambitions is at the top of my to do list.
At the moment I would settle for a guy who actually makes an effort to get with me, rather than assuming that I'll fall into his lap if he sits there long enough being pretty.
I'm bitter today.
@JessicaLovejoy: Backstairsly: Also, tough. *sigh*
A post from Moe that I agree with?--why, I've been praying for this moment since I was 14!
Ugh, entitlement. You know what's awesome? After they tell all your friends that you're dating, and to "back off," if they secretly take Cosmo "Do you like him?" quizzes as if they were you, and then e-mail you the quizzes & answers to let you know how much you secretly love them and to stop hiding from your true feelings. Ah... creepy, creepy memories...
@Lady Skittlehattington's Publicist: I had a guy come up to me the other night and say "I'm going to makeout with you in 5 seconds. On purpose." Props for the initiative, points off for no other effort.
i think we have different types, moe.
Hey guys, I forgot to paste one. I just put it up.
@Le Kangourou de Kataroo (Bjork did it).: Can we agree to blame "Grey's Anatomy" for that kind of shit? Please?
@Le Kangourou de Kataroo (Bjork did it).: Well, that's more action than I've seen in weeks. Was it a stranger or someone you knew?
I would like to add the sin of "Chase and Bail."
I have experienced multiple sinners of this type. They engage in an elaborate and prolonged attempt to win you into a monogamous/serious relationship, declaring you are "The One" and convincing you of their earnest intentions, and, upon returning their affection, they decide they actually didn't want you.
#1. One of my best friends told I guy she'd been seeing for 2 weeks (that would be for a total of 3 dates + a few group social activities) that she wasn't interested in him romantically. He completely flew off the handle and told her she had commitment issues. After 3 dates! Bullet. Dodged.
Since we are all fucking dykes, can we at least claim peer pressure for the sins we committ?
@braak: Having a grand ambition is at the top of mine.
@AlmostZooey: lol, are you just being uproariously hilarious, or did that actually happen?
did anyone notice the 'Tagged' at the bottom - 'Crap, A, Dude' it made me giggle.
Is this for guys exclusively, or for girls as well????? Cause I know I have delusions of grandeur...
@Klassy: *a guy, not I guy. I proofread and everything!
@frumious: Oooh, I second that for SERIOUS. That's vile.
@myboxsmellslikebutterscotch: No we can't. Until they wear signs, none of us are safe.
@frumious: Haha yeah this is writing checks you can't keep. I don't know why I didn't add it.
@andBegorrah: Most likely. Or reading too much cosmo to get insight on real women.
@Lady Skittlehattington's Publicist: Total stranger. That I didn't actually makeout with. So we're par for the course on weekend action. Sigh.
@andBegorrah: If thats number 7 then the guy i saw this morning wearing socks, sandals and a suit must have been the anti-Christ.
@hatepaperdoll: I was lying, anyway: I don't even have a to do list.
@AndSheWas: Ooooh, that happened! I only wish I had saved that e-mail, it was pages and pages long, and contained multiple quizzes and paragraphs analyzing times I had smiled at him. This was long before Jezebel though...
Does "narcissism" fall under "Delusions of Grandeur"? Because if not, then Narcissism. That is the WORST.
@Moe: It was well worth waiting for.
Oh god, my entire dating career is flashing before my eyes. I really need to bring a flask to work for Jezebel-induced flashbacks.
@frumious: Word. That's the most irritating one. These are the guys who use persistence to wear you down.
Y'all need better mens. But alas, mine is taken!
Write a sequel to The Prince? That is HILARIOUS.
Honestly, I haven't dated guys like this. Not because I am super great, but because I am fine going without attention and nookie for long periods of time.
I'd rather hang with my friends or myself than an asshole.
@Moe: Still waiting for you to ease my fears about that first one....
Re: Delusions of Grandeur
I just dated my first sinner of this type. A few weeks after I met him, I spied a list pinned up near his desk with a list of traits that he aspired to. One of them was to "be a healer." We saw or spoke to each other every day for two months, all the while he was totally googley over me, then he totally went off the radar. Wouldn't return phone calls or texts. When I finally caught up with him days later, he gave me the old 'I just want to be alone routine.' Heal this, you twat.