Jezebel
Dear Angelina, Look at you. You look like a goddess, and you're bribing your kids with Chee-tos. Not even the "baked" kind. Do you know how Chee-tos are made? It's a mysterious process called "extrusion." I know that because I once worked near by the headquarters of the Snack Food Association and they had lots of brochures. You're the pawn of corporate interest groups, Angie! (Fun fact: did you know the largest Chee-to known to exist is on display in a sleepy farming community in Iowa? It's the size of a large lemon.) Anyway, back to you. Angie. Junk food. It's not a healthy accessory to see on everybody. But I think we can all agree this is a healthy sign in you.
In the past I have — well, America has — worried about you. Worried about your eating disorder, that you'd lost that lovin' feeling for Brad, that you were moving the kids around too much, that your public post-partum case was going to fuck up Shiloh, or that your estrangement from your dad betrayed some sort of forgiveness deficiency. It's important, forgiveness, when you're a parent; I mean, I don't have to tell you this. First and foremost, you have to forgive yourself. You're never going to please everyone; there will never be enough time; someone is always going to end up shrieking at the top of her lungs and smearing you with bright orange drool. It's too easy to let shit like this get you down, to let it become an excuse to stop living.
A wise Muppet in a Dave Chappelle skit I watched one time sang a song that still resonates with me when I think about the most important tenet of parenting. I'm pretty sure the song was called "Fuck it." More rich parents, I think we can all agree, need to "fuck it." So your kids move from place to place like the very refugees your bleeding heart yearns to save? Fuck it. So you have a few glasses of wine with those twins? Fuck it. So you dab some cognac on Shiloh's pacifier when she's teething and are too busy touring war-torn camps to breastfeed? FUCK IT. Your kids have it all; money, two parents whose combined sordid pasts will never make them feel like anything is too fucked-up to be normal, and awesome haircuts. Good job. Fuck it.
Related: Chester's Got A Brand New Bag [Slate]
Comments
Zahara: Why you crying? WE GOT CHEETOS!
I like cheetos enough that I broke my self-imposed rule about not clicking on celebrity kid posts. Damn.
I love this picture!
Sorry, but obviously those photogs are freaking out the kids and that is something no Cheeto can fix.
I used to work near the HQ of the Snack Food Association too but was always afraid to go in there. I always wondered what happened though. I assumed they tried to get vending machines full of cheetohs into elementary schools and stuff. I envy you.
Ah, those moments when all of the children break into hysterics at once. SO glad I have yet to breed.
"Extrusion" is something that happens in the manufacture of carpet too. Yeah, don't ask.
Oh...I totally dont think children should forgive their parents' fuck-ups. no no no! Good Angie for not succumbing!
this is kind of like a how-brow post re: the skinny.
"Don't you know that there are starving children from other countries who don't have Cheetos? Oh, nevermind, they're right behind us."
Angelina and Brad are the only celebrity couple I freak out about. They are just so unbelievably good looking.
Cheetos, yummy!
p.s. I am particularly fond of the flaming hot cheetos. Yum!
I love her Angie's face in this picture, it is that "Ok, ok, ok" mom face. You know she is just dying to get to the destination/feed her/calm her down.
I love/hate Cheetos. Friday night I polished off an entire bag of Munchies with a bottle of wine and some Scrabble-playing. (For those who don't know, Munchies are Cheetos, Sun Chips, pretels and Doritos combined and they are god.)
This made me go get some cheetos. YUM!
ah, Moe, you get me so teary eyed!
Fuck it. I hope she's eating those Chee-tos, too.
And see, America, Chee-tos are not symbols of bad parenting.
Like I said before, Britney would take a shitload for this picture. The contrast between the two women, their insanely public/private lives, and the way they have raised (or, er, not raised) their children in the public's eye is fascinating.
Aw, poor Shiloh. I recognize Mad Baby Face.
The important fact here is that the kids are the ones having cheetos, Angelina is eating none of the stuff...
Also, Doritos are the superior -ito. But fuck it, she gets a pass.
I love how Z's all, "Whatevs. I've got cheetos."
Maybe the baby didn't like that flavor.
On another note: At 22 I was at a party where someone served me a creme du cocoa and milk. I took a sip and it reminded me of childhood.
I immediately called my mom, it was after midnight. I asked her about all that "chocolate milk" she gave me to help me sleep. After a long pause she says, "You wouldn't go to sleep kid."
I turned out alright.
Why did you spell Cheetos as Chee-toes? I'm genuinely serious. Are you trying to imply parts of people's bodies could be in my snack food? Why'd you have to ruin it?
Also, I want Angie to adopt ME.
Awww, poor little Shiloh. It's just going to get worse, baby.
Meh. Just shove another cheeto in that kid's face and she'll perk up. Fuck it.
@Rhody: Yup! I thought exactly the same thing.
@Centaurea: Should I feel bad that I laughed out loud at that?
@Centaurea: Lots of starving kids in New Orleans who don't have Cheetos.
Stay boring.
I've never had any strong feelings for her either way, but this picture endears me to her a bit.
@Rhody: I know, I was thinking the same thing. It's a "sh sh sh sh sh, I know, I know" face. And dammit, for some reason, it makes me want to have children.
Good lord, let the kids have a treat!
If my dad did half the things Voight has done, I wouldn't talk to him either.
@Sugarless: Bwah! Start 'em young!
@hortense: See, I find the Judge to be the superior Ito.
Sometimes you shut a kid up you offer them Soylent Green!
@hortense: Yeah, agreed. I'd much rather have Doritos. Ack! All of it is poison, what am I saying?
@GhostPanda hates you.: But does the judge come in Spicy Nacho flavor? I think not.
@eraserheadpixies (now representing norwegian xanax and JESU...: Crap. The "e" disappeared. I think. Was it even ever there?
@TruculentandUnreliable: She is look right at the camera too.
Sadly, this is going to be your life kid.
One of us, one of us! Gobble gobble!
@andBegorrah: Nice "Freaks" reference.
@zivah: Me and you both. I wanted to read the post.
But this posting pictures of kids is bullshit, Jezebel. I'd respect you more if you just owned up to it being a necessary evil of business.
I agree, Moe. It's a far cry from Gwynny Paltrow's "I'd rather die than feed my kid cupa noodles". needless to say I heart cheetos.
Am I the only person that thinks Cheetos are revolting?
@GhostPanda hates you.: Can dead animals be nominated for best comment?
Cheetos and M&Ms. The bribe food of parents for decades. Well played Ms. Jolie!
Pasta is also made by extrusion. As are many things. It's not that mysterious.
This is a fantastic post, and I could not agree more. But is it wrong that this photo of Angie-- dealing with tears, pushing cheetos, wearing a dress that she will almost certainly trip on-- endears her to me so much more than any shit she could do for the UN?
@angryblackgurl: But, it's made out of people!
I'm so glad it's cheetos and not rice cakes.
@hortense: They're great if you don't mind getting stabbed in the esophogus.
@sarabadara: Yes, but sometimes you have to give that extra bit of protein to quiet down a screaming kid...totally excusable in an embarassing meltdown toddler situation(see picture)!!!
@hamburgerhotdog: I have had worse things stab me in the esophogus!! I need a cheeto now!
Anyone feel guilty gawking at the pic of the baby crying while she looks RIGHT AT THE CAMERA of the hounding paps? ANYONE???
Yet another reason why Angelina Jolie is better than my mom. She never let us have cheetoes.
Dear Angie,
I remember when you were my neighbor and married to Johhny Lee Miller. I ran into you two once at the Starbucks across the street. Oh, Angie, how I wanted to fuck you both, but especially you. You were so young and beautiful and utterly, utterly fucked up. You played with knives during sex, you got married in leather pants, you slept with hot Japanese girls and probably did horse.
Then you and Johnny divorced. I ran into you post-Gia. You had a shaved head and a Band-Aid on your cheek. You were tiny and huddled in your anonimity and I pretended not to notice you. But I longed for you nonetheless.
Now you are a mother, Angie. A mother and a martyr. Your partner is no longer the slightly effete English boy or the odd old man - he is the sexy, golden man-god and you shower ponderous kindness from your gilded Olympus. You don't wear blood, kiss relatives or do drugs. And I no longer want to fuck you. Not even a tiniest little bit.
@angryblackgurl: Hey now, we don't need to bringing your personal life into this, do we? I'll go pick up the cheetos.
"Baked" Cheetos are known in my office as The Devil's Cheetos. Namely because, once you have one you want to plow through an entire bag.
The girls are happy.
My kids live for the Hot Cheetos but they freaked me out, comfort food that burns your internal organs.
$5 says this picture is going into a layout on a "Stars: They're Just Like US!" page right now.
@smallymcpocket:
I'm with you. I went on an anti-processed foods jihad after reading "The Omnivore's Dilemma." I would never feed my kids that poison.
(btw, I totally don't have kids and who knows what evils I would resort to if I had four kids under the age of 6 and twins on the way. But yeah ... cheetos are fucking gross.)
@hamburgerhotdog: I think Fritos are the most dangerous -ito, for that reason. They break in mid-chew and shatter into a million glass-like pieces. And then a rush of salt swoops in to settle in the fresh Frito wounds. It's rough. Delicious, but rough.
@sarrible:
I was going to say something really cynical but I stopped as I've been cynical all day. But thanks! I completely agree. :)
@smallymcpocket: i cannot stand the flavor of cheese, processed or otherwise.
furthermore, i have nightmares after sticky, staining residue on my fingers...
@smallymcpocket: The puffy kind is gross and the the mess the other kind makes is too much for me (no OCD tendencies however). My kids love the hot cheetos, go figure. But whatever, fuck it.