Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week? Pregnant still=fat. WTF people?? Also, Celine Dion must be an animal, since she has body hair; Jamie Lynn Spears must be a Star Wars villain, since she is pregnant; and Liv Tyler is a "pale fattie." All this and so much more, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!
The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Disrespecting the Queen of Soul.
The Evidence: "Aretha Franklin better unlock the bra, because someone is in dire need of a titty slapping! ... Aretha won't be homeless, but if she needs dough I have a suggestion. Motorboat videos! Aretha's gigantic chichizillas were made for boob sexing." Honestly, words cannot convey accurate feelings about this, so I'm reduced to using an emoticon.
The Sentence: A day spent shopping for a comfortable, supportive, attractive, full-figured bra. So fucking hard to find!
The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Monitoring a pregnant woman's weight gain ounce by ounce.
The Evidence: "Contrary to what I said in my last Jessica Alba post, she does now seem to be gaining weight all over." Well, she is feeding a parasitic human. What do you expect?
Additional Crime: Alluding to the fact that Lauren Conrad may be heavy.
The Evidence: I've gotten a few emails from people saying that Lauren Conrad is piling on the weight. ...She does look a little heavier since the last time we saw her..."
Combined Sentence: A vacation. Seriously. If she thinks that pregnant is fat and LC is fat, Rian needs to step away from the celeb pix and dig her toes into the sand. As do we all.
The Accused: Yeeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's incredibly normal and oh-so-fine and really almost transparent body hair.
The Evidence: "Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like [Celine Dion] from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man's ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, [Celine] finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months." Listen, it's not normal for women to be completely hairless. Also, this is clearly a case of odd lighting. But! In any case! Who shaves above the knee???
The Sentence: Being repeatedly nicked by a razor while slathered in sting-inducing antibacterial soap.
The Accused: Yeeeah, a second charge!
The Crime: Equating pregant with fat; comparing an impregnated teenager to Jabba The Hutt.
The Evidence: "It's nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!" Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity."
The Sentence: A big heaping serving of placenta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the next nine months.