Jezebel
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week? Pregnant still=fat. WTF people?? Also, Celine Dion must be an animal, since she has body hair; Jamie Lynn Spears must be a Star Wars villain, since she is pregnant; and Liv Tyler is a "pale fattie." All this and so much more, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!
The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Disrespecting the Queen of Soul.
The Evidence: "Aretha Franklin better unlock the bra, because someone is in dire need of a titty slapping! ... Aretha won't be homeless, but if she needs dough I have a suggestion. Motorboat videos! Aretha's gigantic chichizillas were made for boob sexing." Honestly, words cannot convey accurate feelings about this, so I'm reduced to using an emoticon.
: (
The Sentence: A day spent shopping for a comfortable, supportive, attractive, full-figured bra. So fucking hard to find!
The Accused: The Skinny
The Crime: Monitoring a pregnant woman's weight gain ounce by ounce.
The Evidence: "Contrary to what I said in my last Jessica Alba post, she does now seem to be gaining weight all over." Well, she is feeding a parasitic human. What do you expect?
Additional Crime: Alluding to the fact that Lauren Conrad may be heavy.
The Evidence: I've gotten a few emails from people saying that Lauren Conrad is piling on the weight. ...She does look a little heavier since the last time we saw her..."
Combined Sentence: A vacation. Seriously. If she thinks that pregnant is fat and LC is fat, Rian needs to step away from the celeb pix and dig her toes into the sand. As do we all.
The Accused: Yeeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's incredibly normal and oh-so-fine and really almost transparent body hair.
The Evidence: "Well, my early childhood mind always imagined that poor bare Fuzzy Wuzzy looked a lot like [Celine Dion] from the knee up. Mostly skin from far away, but up close, covered in an almost transparent downy fuzz, like an old man's ear canal or a fetus left in utero too long. Unfortunately, [Celine] finished gestating close to 40 years ago, so chances are she just forgot to shave above the knee for the last two or seven months." Listen, it's not normal for women to be completely hairless. Also, this is clearly a case of odd lighting. But! In any case! Who shaves above the knee???
The Sentence: Being repeatedly nicked by a razor while slathered in sting-inducing antibacterial soap.
The Accused: Yeeeah, a second charge!
The Crime: Equating pregant with fat; comparing an impregnated teenager to Jabba The Hutt.
The Evidence: "It's nice to see that Jamie Lynn Spears has finally chinned up. All three of them. When asked for comment, she said, "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage!" Perhaps multiple chins are the true source of Jedi mind trick immunity."
The Sentence: A big heaping serving of placenta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, for the next nine months.
The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do
The Crime: Suggesting that creamy-skinned Liv Tyler is pasty and obese.
The Evidence: "Liv Tyler was in the Caribbean last week, possibly because she heard there was an island where pale fatties with hilariously small heads were revered as gods. Now she's all set." Liv Tyler is not fat and her skin is gorgeous. End of story.
The Sentence: Talk shit about someone clearly enjoying their vacation and you know what you get? Sunburn and diarrhea.
The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Baiting us. He knows what's wrong and offensive, what will really set us off, so now that's exactly what he writes. Plus he's trying to be my friend on Facebook now. Lots of you guys suggest we ignore him, but here's the thing: You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. A reminder — of how unfair, tired, shallow and systemically denigrating people can be is important. Why should we let him get away with being sexist and misogynistic without calling him out on it? Anyway.
The Evidence: "I am guilty of liking skinny chicks and appreciate any means a girl takes to get herself skinny. I am talking eating disorders, drug addiction, laxatives, extreme cardio, terminal illness, pretty much anything the world offers them to maintain their skinny bodies, because it takes some commitment, determination and it's a lot better seeing a girl frail from starving herself, than watching a girl sit on her fat ass eating donuts. Maybe I'm crazy."
The Sentence: We're still open to suggestions on this one. Thanks in advance.
Comments
In Perez's defence, Liv Tyler does have a really small head.
Sure, no problem. Who does this fat talentless fuck think he is?
Perhaps force that last asshat to follow some of his own recommendations? Drug addiction sure is fun!
i suspected Celine just had "Lanugo"
Re: the drunken stepfather: Has anyone seen that Hatchet vs. Genitals video (aka BME Pain Olympics)? If not, DON'T, but that's my suggestion!
Ok about the Celine Dion body hair... I love my naturally dark hair but when I saw that picture I was like DAMNIT! I think I might just be a tad jealous people with light hair can get away with that!
As for the eating disorder and skinny by any means quote, I really really really hope the worst things upon him, and him alone.
And Liv Tyler is gaaaaaaaawwwwgous!
Awww, Dlisted's comment ain't that bad. Aretha DOES have colossal bajongas. But if Michael K does complete his sentence, I'll totes go shopping with him.
As for Drunken Stepfather, hmmm...how about sitting in a chair with his eyes propped open, a la Clockwork Orange, being forced to watch "2 girls, 1 cup" and Veronica Moser (DO NOT GOOGLE, YOU WILL SCAR YOUR SOUL) vids on repeat?
Drunken Stepfather gets a tapeworm. For life.
i saw both posts on the skinny and was guessing which one you'd pick out. glad you got both. also, i'm totally adding you as my friend on facebook.
i wish no harm on ANYONE else as a result of his disgusting arrogance and stupidity, but god forbid a woman in drunkenstepfather's life, someone he loves (if he's capable of that) be diagnosed with a terminal illness... see if he still says he counts that as a good means by which a woman can become thin. HORRIBLE.
My recommendation? Let us know his frickin' identity! We know you know who he is, if I remember correctly SM even has his picture.
He's a bastard, and what's your right to privacy on the internet anyway? (You can start hating on me now).
Man I could open any page in the DSM IV and have the contents apply to Drunken Stepfather.
Can we talk about the anti-Semitism displayed by Drunken Stepfather here, too?
I mean, maybe I'm just supersensitive because I too have a big Jewish nose (yes, that's me, look at it there, it's huge), but... wtf? Seriously?
@solidbrassfasteners: but see, he'd probably like that. something would have to be given to him that he would despise.
@caffeinequeen: that's it. you're getting warmer.
@special_boots: You're totally right. Despicable.
drunken stepfather is such a pathetic site. i don't even look at it. i know what it's going to tell me...
*boobs are nice when their big, most chicks are completely unfuckable either because they're sluts, bitches, psychos, fatties, or boney, and being fuckable is the only thing women should strive to be, and even though i've never actually seen a naked women besides the porn stars i shellac all over my page, my opinion counts WAY more than anyone elses. i love tits. pubic hair is scary. bitches and hos.*
@caffeinequeen: "...and Veronica Moser (DO NOT GOOGLE, YOU WILL SCAR YOUR SOUL) vids on repeat?"
See, ya say stuff like that and then I get curious. This is exactly why I've had to start keeping a Visine bottle full of bleach next to my laptop.
@FreshTyn: That wasn't Perez. And no, it's really not all that small.
@oryx: shyeah
@FreshTyn: perez didn't say that....and I have small head too...not that small...but small :( it sucks!
I think Drunken Stepfather's obviously shitty lot in life is enough of a punishment.
Nahh, let's clamp his balls in a vise.
Lots of you guys suggest we ignore him, but here's the thing: You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web.
If it's that common, why keep going back to this particular well? It's not like his vitriol is that much worse than everyone else's.
Also: I do know it's that common, but the rhetorical question just fit my comment better.
I hate people. Puppies, please.
@rednrowdy: Then what about a penis fish?
Sorry, I'm stuck on parasites today, apparently.
I say a good punnishment for drunken stepfather is to be locked in a room full of women who talk about nothing except their latest diets, what calorie laden foods they want to induldge in and play the "what I ate today" game.
@special_boots: you're purdy...but your wine glass is too small. That's my criticism of you missy. Get thee a bigger wine glass!
I think that Drunken Fuckwad should be chained to a wall in a rat-infested cage or cement block and force-fed box after box after box of Krispy Kreme donuts, watching one terribly sobering childbirth video after another (assuming, of course, that he doesn't jerk off to them already, but considering what a disgusting fucking rotten shit he is, he might) so as to systematically induce an involuntary vomit response at the sigh of a vagina.
Thus, being unable to have sex ever, ever, ever again.
@Boredinacubicle: And they have to constantly ask him if the outfit they're wearing makes them look fat ... while he's wearing a ball-gag. Might as well make it interactive.
You may not even realize how much women get bashed, criticized and judged on the Web. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. A reminder -- of how unfair, tired, shallow and systemically denigrating people can be is important. Why should we let him get away with being sexist and misogynistic without calling him out on it?
There's a really interesting article in the latest issue of Bitch about this exact topic. Highly recommend it - there's a lot of discussion on how women especially can deal with assholes on the Intarwebs.
@frecklefacefreak: i feel your pain, but on the flip side-- i, on the other hand, have a really huge head. and i'm pretty average-bodied, no skinny minnie here... so it's not a matter of proportions like when women get too thin, i just have an enormous head. ever see the seinfeld episode when elaine is convinced she has a "large, freak head"? yup, that's me.
in other news, liv tyler is frickin gorgeous
@solidbrassfasteners: Drunken Stepfather not only gets tapeworm for life but is chained to a treadmill set at 8.9 and an incline of 10.
FOR LIFE.
The only way to punish Drunken Stepfather would be to out him. I know Tracie said she wouldn't, but I have a feeling being anonymous is what allows him to be so flippantly obscene.
I have to agree on Celine's body hair. Anorexic fuzz gives me the creeps.
That Celine Dion picture- that is why I hate blondes- not having to shave above the knee.
@I, SBJ, A Fucking Dyke: I just want to say that, based on this and other posts, if I ever need to exact revenge on someone, SBJ, you better believe i'm'a call you.
@suburbanstoner-corporateslave: Yes but it keeps her warm!
Okay, I am perplexed by drunken stepfather. I was once on this fashion social networking site and he was insistent on being my friend and sending me messages and links, and 1. I am not skinny 2. I look like the kind of Tina Fey-esque lady who would hate his shenanigans and am not very discreet about my femilady opinions. What do you think is going on there? Glutton for punishment perhaps? Secret nerd crush? B/c he clearly hearts Jezebelles in a big way despite whatever he writes.
Wait, what? No shaving above the knee? But my pubes run halfway down my inner thighs....
DAMN YOU sephardic genes!
Drunken Stepfather's Sentence: How about manning up and talking some of that yang to Mo'niqui'e face?
We might just realize it, but here's the thing --
1) Do you really think he'd be trying to be your friend on Facebook (ECHH!) if he weren't getting off on the attention?
Remember those nasty little boys in grade school who pulled your pigtails and threw rocks at you?
2) I think we don't really see how paying attention to him here in any way abrogates all the other harassment and trash talk. Please feel free to enlighten, though.
@FreshTyn: I heart Liv Tyler. She is a goddess. And she never ended up in tabloids. I heart her.
@I, SBJ, A Fucking Dyke: You're assuming he has sex now. I have this image of him as a pimply boy with BO who never could get a date in high school.
The only time I shave my legs is if I'm going to be seeing my boyfriend. The rest of the week I'm a fucking ape. Go on Celine, I ain't mad at ya!
@plitter: Can it be read online?
@SharonTaint: Yes. Although, it can't all be tapeworms and treadmills. Let's let him enjoy himself a little.
How about, while on the treadmill for eternity, there is a constant loop of Inside Edition's coverage of the "Anorexic Twins" playing on the TV? I'm sure he'll love that.
We slag my little brother's slightly small head by calling him 'Beetle Juice Head' - oh how we laugh. I have tiny tiny hands which my sister calls 'prostitute's hands' cause they'd make a penis look massive.
Ah siblings, without them who would I be. Sane and witout issues no doubt but how boring would that be.
This is all so enraging. I blame the Fark.com forums.