Oh no, really? Another day of this? Doesn't she get old? (No!) So what, did they talk to her pimp or something? Is her song the most-downloaded thing on some website somewhere? Did Penthouse come calling? Whatever it was, the guy who owns my deli was checking out my Daily News when I came back from picking up coffee this morning, so I guess it's just ..."what we want," so to speak. (I'd say, you know, "DO NOT WANT," but for fear of using "dated slang.") Why Glamocracy Megan and I would still, even though we are whores, rather trade places with Silda Spitzer than Ashley Alexandra Dupre, what Obama should say about his crazy pastor, and OMG those Iraqi soldiers they're interviewing on CNN are hottt, after the jump.
MOE: Okay, you know what? I thought we weren't going to be talking about Ashley Alexandra Dupre again but I think that's just what I'm about to advocate we do.
MEGAN: But briefly! Pretty please with sugar on top?
MOE: Okay, so first, the details. Ashley's former pimp Jason Itzler — is it weird that sort of rhymes with Spitzer? I guess not — has spoken and he's got nothing but love for the hottest girl he had. He met her at Hotel Gansevoort when she was 19 and working in the nightlife promotion cocktail waitress circuit. "She says, 'Hey, Jason ... I want to work for you.' When I caught my breath, I said, 'Do you know what I do?'" he claimed. "She's like, 'Yeah.' I said, 'Get over here.' " See, even then, he knew she'd be a star! Also, it sounds like those charges of abuse she leveled on her MySpace page might have been trumped-up; a neighbor says what really happened is that she crashed her stepdad's Porsche and wanted a new one, and when she couldn't get it she ran away. She grew up near the Jersey Shore, an area redolent of cultural capital, which explains how she was so "classy." She fucked Spitzer numerous times — she allegedly worked a six-day week! I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T! — but only figured out he was the governor somewhere near the Mayflower Hotel. I am currently writing a fictionalized account of how that went down.
MEGAN: Well, I mean, rich, skinny, nerdy white dudes that can't get laid are kind of a dime a dozen in D.C. I guess, and sometimes it is hard to tell politicians apart.
MOE: Apparently Silda is most upset over how young she was. Meanwhile, Ashley has a lot of opportunities to get rich now in even classier ways such as posing for Penthouse, just as I predicted yesterday.
MEGAN: But not Playboy, for some reason. Is that collusion? Antitrust! Antitrust!
MEGAN: Also, poor Silda. Really? The age is the bad part? Way to focus on what might actually be the least heinous part of the whole thing. News at 11: Men who cheat on their wives often fuck younger women.
MOE: No, Playboy apparently wants her too but I think Penthouse may be offering more money? Anyway my question is: at this point, would you rather be Ashley or Silda? And I'm saying, you know, I realize that is a stupid sounding question at this point. Ashley is pretty, whole life ahead of her, marriage not irreparably damaged etc. etc. But.
MEGAN: I wouldn't want to be a whore, much less a particularly famous one. Talk about someone who will probably never have a normal intimate relationship after this... I guess I know from experience that I can survive being cheated on, I can survive getting an HIV test and having a legitimate cause for concern about the results thanks to someone I was intimate with fucking a whore and neglecting to mention it, and I can survive at least some level of public humiliation due to someone else's actions.
MOE: Right, I mean, it's clear right now that Silda is a terribly smart woman, who has experienced a lot of things, and she's had her kids, and she has her law degree, and she has her weird Baptist NASCAR-loving roots and she has the sympathy of America and she definitely has an amazing body herself. It is also clear that, you know, by biology or circumstance, Ashley is not, you know, smart. And I know, like: what does that count for? But seriously, long term revenue generation prospects as a result of this fame look weighted to Silda right now.
MOE: Should we discuss Dina Matos McGreevey?
MEGAN: Silda's beautiful, smart, educated, has 3 daughters who likely love her and, God willing, is about to be wealthy and single. I'd rather be Silda.
MEGAN: Oh, Dina. The example of how not to handle it.
MOE: Cool. So because we'd still rather be Silda, it is not that terrible to still be obsessing over Ashley.
MEGAN: Well, I could stop obsessing over Ashley. We could obsess over Obama's super-cool mama instead.
MOE: Jessica's doing something on that for the 9:30. We had a discussion over how it's funny how normal and nuclear his own family is compared to how he grew up etc. etc.
MOE: Maybe we should finally talk about Michigan and Florida?
MOE: Pastor Jeremiah Wright?
MEGAN: Florida looks to be a ginormous fuck up again.
MEGAN: Everyone does love them the earmarks.
MOE: New polls that place both Obama AND Hillary ahead of McCain?
MEGAN: Hooray for the Democrats winning no matter what only probably not because I'm a pessimist like that!
MOE: How, five years after we invaded them on this very basis there it is still looking like a giant fuckup that we ever linked Saddam Hussein to Al Qaeda?
MEGAN: Well, a fuck up would mean we thought it and it wasn't true. It seems like the evidence is that is likely wasn't true but they said it anyway, right?
MOE: Oh sure. Be a cynic! So seriously, is there anything else to talk about? Do you think Rev. Jeremiah Wright's knack for speaking the truth etc. etc. will hurt Obama when it is inevitably linked to his no-flag-pin/no hand on heart during Pledge thingy?
MEGAN: I mean, CNN and MSNBC have been practically showing that guy's speeches on a loop all morning. The dude's practically spitting crazy angry like something out of a super right wing evangelical church. The same people that were freaked out by the evangelical church stuff in Borat would, one would think, be freaked out by this.
MOE: Really? On my CNN they've just shown the inspiring story of that 300-pound woman turned triathlete.
MEGAN: Maybe it was just in the 8:00 hour? I switched because they stopped talking about anything new.
MOE: So...Peggy Noonan is going after McCain for not being enough of an ideologue — er, a philosopher to be president.
Where Mr. McCain's friend says, "be disciplined," I'd say, "Get serious." What is the meaning of things? What is the guiding philosophy? Who has he read besides Hemingway? (And he's read him—he loves him to an almost scary degree.) Is there a little Burke in there? The Federalist papers? John Kenneth Galbraith?
MOE: John Kenneth Galbraith?
MEGAN: Oh, God, Peggy. Ummm, GWB??
MOE: Since when are conservatives advocating their presidential candidate read that guy?
MEGAN: I didn't realize the righties were anti-Hemingway.
MEGAN: But at least she didn't say Ayn Rand.
MOE: I know. It's crazy. You know what? I'm starting to think conservatives really have no fucking clue what to do next. Reading Peggy Noonan is really awesome because it's like watching a bunch of stray (if often salient) thoughts swirling, swirling, spiraling down some drain towards some inevitable black hole of dormant ideologies.
MOE: Too bad that's only because she happens to be actually smart.
MEGAN: Ha, ha, fuckers that's what you get for backing alternately Thompson, Giuliani and Romney and trying to screw over McCain and Huckles in the primary. You end up with McCain anyone because none of your donors knew who to vote for in the end and McCain isn't going to put a single one of you anywhere near his economic policies.
MOE: But yeah, let's get real. I mean, batshit pastors. Do they matter? Why would you hold someone to task for what their motherfucking priest said at church? On the other hand, you know, there isn't a better church? Maybe Obama will switch to Joel Osteen's church.
MEGAN: Um, I think because it actually is easy to switch churches. And because they don't really have much else to beat him up with.
MOE: So seriously, what's up with Obama? Why hasn't he taken on all this nonsense more fully? Did he learn nothing from the whole Ferrarro incident?
MEGAN: Well, I mean, what's he going to say? He's been a member of the congregation for at least a decade, he can't very well repudiate his attendance and stuff. It's definitely a rock-hard place kind of situation for him, and I can't for the life of me figure why no one's gone after it this hard until now.
MOE: Well clearly it's because the dude is powerful, it helped him in Chicago, put him in touch with the sentiment in the world he needed to be serving. You know? I mean, right? And he couldn't very well not go to church? Okay, so you do that. You say, "Look, this church wasn't just about a batshit pastor, it was about a community, etc. etc. And I was a member of that community and for better or for worse, this is what some of the more hotheaded people from that community say about their government. It's one of the reasons I felt that the call to create a better government to be so urgent; because there is a lot of disillusionment with it. I've lived in a lot of communities and gone to a lot of houses of worship and these are not by beliefs, nor have they ever been" etc. etc.
MEGAN: Yes, that would've been better than just calling Wright the crazy uncle at Thanksgiving with whom no one agrees. Because that's a tetch condescending. Ooh, maybe when you stop being a blogger you can be a speech writer!
MOE: Wait, you know, maybe the crazy uncle strategy is the best strategy though.
MOE: I mean, a lot of white people saw Barbershop
MOE: What I really want to do when I stop blogging is go work for Goldman Sachs.
MEGAN: Very ambitious. Shitty hours.
MOE: Shitty hours in an actual office outside of my couch. So are you watching this thing on Iraqi soldiers? They want the Democrats to win. They are cute. Can we go there?
MEGAN: To Iraq? I'll leave that to you. Whoa, the one in the beret is smokin'.
MEGAN: We can definitely go there.