Moe, why are you always trying to post these things for pageviews??! What is this post about?!? I didn't read it! I like Britney! Why are we being so mean to Issac Whosiwhatsit? What day is it?! I hate creamed corn, and I'm angry about it! Can we please stop posting pictures of humans doing things with other humans?! What is this post about again? I didn't even read it, but I'm angry! Moe! Stop trying to get pageviews!

Moe, sweetie, please lay off the Adderall. I just read this three times and I have NO IDEA what you are talking about.

My hubs occasionally buys a People magazine, which he enjoys, because he forgets what what was in it as soon as he finished reading it. So it's always news to him.

They depress me, mostly because I can't afford to buy $2,000 purses that look like aquariums.

Were you going to post photos of the different magazine covers and just forgot?

this is actually pretty interesting. we track how things sell by cover story where i work too, and although there're plenty of folks that claim to "know the audience" nobody ever seems to predict what's going to be a hit, just like it's hard to predict what people are going to click on...there's obviously some sort of subconscious lottery going on in people's heads when they buy something. it's hard to make rhyme or reason of it, but i guess that's why i'm a writer, not an advertiser.

then again, when i buy these magazines, it's usually a rash, impulse decision that ends up being related to PMS. sorry to sound like a stereotype but there's something comforting about the glossy pictures.

It is okay, Moe. I felt the same way when I saw that.

The only magazine I buy anymore, are the Cartoon and Style issues of the New Yorker. That is it.

This is bad statistics, Moe. First of all, you're talking about outliers (best and worst-selling covers), not trends.

Second of all, it doesn't make a lot of sense to compare Newsweek's 1968 to Rolling Stone's 1967, because first of all those are different magazines, and second of all, those are different years.

I get it. Moe is saying that some of the stuff that sells magazines is less interesting than some stuff that doesn't, subjectively. Such as.

I buy the Best Dressed issues. And the occasional event issues: The Oscars, The Emmy's, etc.

Otherwise, celeb gossip is why Al Gore worked so hard to create the internet.

I like to read happy stuff, not, like, SAD stuff. Oh, and I like pie. Can you write about pie?

Moe, I get this post and I approve. Keep up the good work.

Most of the people I know only read The Economist and Fortune for a year after they graduated college so that might explain why the best selling issues were 100 Best Companies To Work For and Where To Invest, etc...

I'd be depressed for myself, since this would seem to suggest I have absolutely no clue what it takes to bait you all, but I already knew that thanks to this helpful pageview counter thing

WAIT, WHAT? Are you saying that you don't know how to bait us?

Because on behalf of all Clinton supporters on this site, pls let me refute that notion! You know exactly how to bait us! :)

@hortense: I'm also angry about creamed corn. What is its purpose? To remind me of what regular corn will look like after digestion? The tastes are similar, I'm sure.

Things to bait us:
anorexia
rape and other crimes against womanity
silda spitzer
calling someone fat
ann coulter
executions

That 1968 Newsweek did kind of suck. I was expecting a lot more analysis than I got. But if I remember correctly, it came out near a holiday, so the staff was probably half-assing it.

I thought Isaac Cohen was kind of a cute, but an asshole. He sold his story to one of those British tabloids. Better than Sam or Adnan, though, I suppose.

@ineffable.me: being a complete asshat to the people who read your website.

Covers with stars in them can probably be expressed by some kind of formula. The three factors of "likability" "sadness of the event" and "fame of the celebrity" probably combine. Fame has a diminishing returns quality--which means if you get too famous, people will stop buying covers of you.

And there's a threshold between likability and sadness, where a thing can be too sad. The more likable you are, the easier it is for something to be too sad, so people will be disgusted and not buy the covers.

Also, "fame" should probably be replaced by "how many times they appear in the tabloids."

I really wish I had numbers to do math on. Also, I wish I was good at math.

NSFW posts always get my clickthrough.

@jenndavo: It's just there to make regular corn and milk look bad. That's all. It's their horrible red-headed stepchild.

@hortense: You actually sound like a cross between Andy Rooney and a Jezebel commenter.

I read US, Vanity Fair, Newsweek and Vogue (US, UK or French if I just feel like looking at pictures) when I travel for work no matter who's on the cover. Cover stories are rarely me reason for purchases, only lenght of flight (i.e. I add on the Economist for a lon haul)

I thought I read somewhere that most news magazines get like 90 percent of their readership through subscriptions. I'm guessing that's not true for People and the tabs, especially since People is so effin expensive to subscribe to. So supposedly the newsmags have less pressure or whatever to sell it to people at Piggly Wiggly.

Having said that, the only thing I can speculate is maybe people will read about Britney and her new man the first two or three or 29 times she has a new man, but they can only take so much. But I have no idea when these magazines appeared, and if the Tom and Katie sold bad cause it was the 18th cover story on them, whereas Brad and Angie sold well cause the story was new. Hmm. Having said that, WTF was InTouch thinking? The Virginia Tech tragedy is just that, but people get confused if they read about Britney's poor choice in underwear one week and then a terrible massacre the next. Confuses em. Know your audience, or whatever.

@ineffable.me: Don't forget career vs. Babies, abortion, and Clive Owen.

I don't buy any magazines anymore. I stomached Rolling Stone until they pissed Eddie off so bad he wiped his ass with it, onstage.

@TruculentandUnreliable: You know what I hate? Everything. Everything made after 1957 is stupid and dumb and I don't get it! I'm Andy Rooney! Where are my pants? Stupid pants!

Um, and I hope everyone else gets that my first post was a joke. It's hard to tell what people will pick up on around here anymore.

@lalaland13: Oooh, stability of content, that's probably an important factor, too.

Not even a question of "know your audience," but a question of, "if this is too different from what people are used to, will they buy it?"

@ineffable.me: also: project runway, douche bag men, are women better than men at [fill in the blank], puppies

@AthertonMerriweather:
How? I'm genuinely curious?

@hortense: Why are you so hateful? Can't we all just come together as women and hold hands and say pretty things about everyone? I'm so tired of all the meanies saying mean things about other people. Ann Coulter is a person! And a woman! I thought this blog was a place where women can love each other and make garlands for our hair with pretty flowers.

@hortense: Dude I know? What is her problem with Payless? They have good shoes! And I like them! Oh god, she's making fun of my shoes, isn't she? How dare she?

Agree! No more pics! Text only, please! That way no one has to look at another person and think any critical thoughts at all about them ever.

@ineffable.me: And dirty, dirty sex.

@hortense: Nominated for execution.

God, you are so insensitive.

@DorothyZbornak: Why are you such a bitch? Bitchface bitchy bitch? I know you, Zbornak! I stayed at the Golden Palace. And there were no mints on my pillow. Perhaps you'd like to read about my experience, which is much better than anything you'll read on this site, on my blog:

www.debbiedownerandthewaambulance.com

@hortense: Oh, an angry fist-shaky rant. My favorite!

@hortense: I feel that I was born to do Andy Roony's job, because my one talent is complaining about stuff.

@PolythenePam: I watched Shoot Em Up, so I can only agree that I'm a sucker for Clive Owen.

@braak: Why isn't everyone agreeing with me? I thought this was a site where nobody disagreed with my opinion ever, and if they did, I got to call them a cunt and yell at the editors for being lousy at a job that I have no idea how hard it is to do! WTF? Now I'm going to argue my point irrationally and cruelly, with nothing more than rage to go on!

@hortense: You are so wrong about creamed corn. It's delicious. But you know what's bullshit? BAKED BEANS.

More sweeping generalizations! The sweepier, the better.

@ineffable.me: Things to bait BAngieB - in a good way:
Lindsay Lohan
puppies
tomboys, especially Jewish ones or country ones, or really, you know, all of them
80's music
hashbrown casserole
county justice
pictures of Samantha Ronson
Things to bait me in a badway:
asshats
crybabies
people who can't get a joke
Actually, I'm starting my own magazine:
Samantha Ronson Is a Tomboy Who Loves Puppies and Lindsay Lohan and Hates A Killjoy

@lalaland13: @DorothyZbornak: @hortense: @ineffable.me: @jenndavo: @TruculentandUnreliable: I'm going to sit at my desk for the rest of the day and draw hearts around your names. Because you're killing me today.

@DorothyZbornak: And you, you're too much of a hippy. Nominated for execution!

@whynotshesaid: Haha poor Moe gets "what are you talking about" comments when she's clever, and lengthy "right-on" comments threads when she's not-so-much and/or pandering -- you may in fact be able to interpret this post as a form of self-analysis!

Ehh. The only magazine I read on a regular basis anymore is Consumer Reports. They hardly ever have good news, but at least they have advice on how to kick businesses in the shins, which is one of my only sources of pleasure these days. The celebrities, all seven or so who get press regularly, can kiss my ass. I could care less what they're doing with their time. Give me something I can use to better my situation, or STFU.

@hamburgerhotdog: Baked Beans started World War 2! Don't even tell me about Baked Beans! I KNOW Baked Beans!

@hamburgerhotdog: BAKED BEANS? What? Baked Beans have been used to oppress women for generations! I can't even believe you would bring up something so offensive.

@BAngieB: All evil, mean topics, as usual.