This our favorite picture of Ashley Youmans aka Ashley Alexandra Dupré aka "Kristen." She will forever be known as Eliot Spitzer's whore, even though he fucked several whores including someone named "Sienna," maybe even someone with a higher "diamond rating" than Ashley. Maybe she will find a gig performing her soulful ballads, or maybe she could sing backup in Gennifer Flowers' band. Perhaps she and her mother, who seemed so proud her daughter could "handle someone like the governor," will be offered a reality show or a self-help show or a mother-daughter Playboy spread a la the Kardashians. Who knows what opportunities the economy will afford young Ashley now that her mere image has proven capable of driving such tremendous internet traffic? Well, executives at Viacom and Harper Collins sort of know. But until we do, we're posting this picture to evoke the era when pretty young 22-year-olds hid their prostitution businesses for fear of corrupting families, and talking about Keith Olbermann, John McCain, Camile Paglia, the new five dollar bill, George Clooney... Glamocracy Megan is back! Jump for our lust.
MOE: Good morning! I can't imagine what we'll be discussing today...
MEGAN: The EPA smog standards?
The priest that won a science prize and craps all over intelligent design?
MOE: The sad sad liquidation of Carlyle Capital?
Oooh oooh, this is fun...the merger of the Nymex and the Chicago mercantile exchange!
MEGAN: Um, that's prolly more your beat than mine.
The new $5 bill?
MOE: BUT SERIOUSLY GUYS. All anyone wants to talk about is "Kristen." Should we talk about "Kristen"?
MEGAN: Her song sucks.
But I added it to my MySpace profile anyway in case she wised up and took hers down... but apparently this is a boost for her career.
MOE: She's not a monster! That's a preemptive strike against Samantha Power! And if she takes hers down the song is gone, lady. Do you know nothing of MySpace? I was actually a little surprised by her MySpace profile. And is it just me or did I detect a note of pride in her mom's voice when she told the Times her daughter "can handle someone like the governor." I mean, lady, I'd say that's some rose-colored glasses but okay. It was also a little absurd that the Times called her lyrics out for their dated slang. Um, for the record, Serge Kovaleski, "boo" remains a term of endearment in youth culture circles! Athough I guess it is used more ironically, and mostly by white people now, but isn't that splitting hairs kinda?
MEGAN: Also, her brother said she's the best sister ever. I'm guessing he's not the one who abused her. Also, um, she can "handle" someone like the governor? Lady, she "handled" him alright. She also presumably sucked him, possibly teabagged him, allowed him to insert his penis into one if not two other orifices and either had or faked one/more orgasms, then took his money as payment for services rendered.
Like, seriously, this whole whore-fucking thing skeeves me out.
Like, what is wrong with men sometimes?
MOE: We'll never really know. I mean, I guess Newsweek and the Washington Post are sort of on the case, but as the Post story points out, you never hear from these guys about their infidelities. Why they did it. What they weren't thinking.
MOE: Except that there's something primal, hormonal, blah blah blah. I dunno. I mean, I get urges to cheat when I'm in long term relationships, they're just usually overwhelmed by my desire to not hurt the loved one in question. But maybe that's a measure of empathy the men don't get born with, I dunno. I have no idea why this scandal, in particular, seems to encapsulate something dark and hopeless about the state of gender relations. I mean, it's not like he fucked hookers every single night. $80,000 does not exactly go a long way someplace like the Emperor's Club. You could blow it all in a few days. In fact, that was probably part of the thrill. Like with gambling addicts. They like get off on the destructive waste of it. Or something. And they are always Chinese, the last people you'd expect to blow a hundred grand in one night at the craps table. You know?
MEGAN: I agree with the dark and hopeless state of gender relations part. This is like, some serious disconnect for me between men and women and it's not like I fuck for love all the time.
Like, the whole excuse that men are "paying" for it in either case? That makes me want to beat people about the head and shoulders with an umbrella.
MOE: Here's the other depressing thing about it for MOE: being a high class hooker seemed to me an appropriate job choice for someone like Kristen. She is very pretty and yearns, obviously, to be noticed, but her MySpace page shows that she doesn't really have the skills of self-promotion necessary to find quick success in all the "industries" that value self-promotion. Some were taken at unflattering angles. Some of them make her look chunkier than she really is. Her voice is unspectacular, but so is everyone's. She is no Tila Tequila.
MEGAN: That's probably true. She just looks kind of like your average pretty girl in most of those shots on MySpace, and her little "bio" piece is way too long and rambling to be an effective self-promotional tool, let alone even an effective internet dating profile.
And if she can, you know, actually respectably belt "Respect" (which, I'm sure is an untrue story) then she can probably actually sing.
MOE: Okay, new topic time. Seriously, right? There is not that much more to say, right? I'm assuming you watched Keith Olbermann's epic sermon to Hillary Clinton? It is very long. It is supposed to be ten minutes, but it will take 25 minutes to watch on any normal computer.
MEGAN: Oh, God, it Keith going to stop being cute once I watch that? Because my sister (who I was visiting) doesn't have cable to I missed everything until this morning.
MOE: I mean, you know, he takes himself just a LITTLE bit seriously.
MEGAN: But I'll watch that if you read this horrifying Paglia screed in which she calls Hillary shrill, dismissed the existence of sexism, called Hillary a "tunnel-vision middle manager" and called the Emperor's hookers "valiant."
It made me have to get out of bed to wash the taste of bile out of my mouth.
MOE: It looks like there won't be a transcript on the MSNBC website until 3 p.m. And I'll read that if you also take a look at this story on Obama and McCain, how they sort of pointlessly hate each other, etc.
We shall reconvene!
Um, for the record, this:
Never has the soppy emotionalism of old-guard feminist reasoning been on such open and embarrassing display.
sorta rings true in light of recent events etc. etc. Although, you know, can of worms.
MEGAN: I mean, I totally wanted to agree with her, and then she swerved and went off into Crazy Town and I was like... really? Camille? Shrill? There is no sexism anymore? Because, um, you know, I got some stories.
MOE: Oh my GOD, wait, this whole section where she expresses disappointment and dismay re Rush Libaugh...
I take the ballot very seriously, because it took women so long to win it. I am very unsettled by tactical voting — that is, using one's vote as a stratagem in what Rush describes as "gamesmanship": "It's all about winning," he has repeatedly said to callers protesting the Hillary stunt. But hasn't Rush's massive appeal always been based on his adherence to core principles rather than to narrow partisanship?
Um...would "principles" be the word? Or maybe "dogma"?
MEGAN: She's listens to Rush Limbaugh regularly! That enough was enough for me to go, wait, I though Paglia was a femi-Nazi, not a Dittohead.
MOE: Well you know she's undefinable. An iconoclast etc. No matter who you are, you're going to agree with her sometimes. But...like...Limbaugh? Principles? Is that how you stay on the radio 5 hours a day or whatever? By soberly and eloquently addressing one's core principles? It's just an absurd statement. Whatev. Blargh.
Did you watch Keith?
MEGAN: I am watching it, but I am becoming a sad panda because he is, indeed, getting less and less cute. Why does he insist on randomly emphasizing words? OMG, he's now smacking his desk!
Um, although I completely agree with every single thing he's said about Ferraro and that Clinton's strategists are, um, not good to say the least.
MOE: Yeah, and the longwindedness of it is kind of impressive.
MEGAN: The longwindedness makes me think he's sort of a Clinton supporter and is actually really offended and hates her advisers.
MOE: Well, it makes me think he is no longer a Clinton supporter.
MEGAN: OMG, maybe he's just trying to get her to fire Mark Penn? Because, really, I would vote for her if she fired Mark Penn.
MOE: Okay, so I have no idea what America is thinking about all this BUT. He did erase all her delegate gains in Texas and Ohio with Wyoming and Mississippi...wait a second, why would you vote for her if she fired him? That I just don't get. She fired Dick Morris too. SPEAKING OF WHORES. The point is, she hired them both in the first place. Whatever. No use for it anymore. I just hope he is in Pennsylvania right the fuck now. Wait, where is he right the fuck now?
MEGAN: They're all in D.C. to try out that "voting" thing they all get actually paid to do.
Oh, and as of the results of the Texas caucuses yesterday, technically Obama picked up more delegates in Texas than Hillary.
And, Dick Morris's teeth are this weird yellow-y grey now (having just watched Hillary The Movie), which makes me think he probably still sucks dirty whore toes.
MOE: Okay, JOHN MCCAIN. I have been meaning to address the issue of John McCain. Will he continue letting the media listen to his every passing thought on the campaign trail. Will he persist in hating Obama and does he actually have a reason to do so, and isn't it kind of funny how people are talking about Mitt Romney as VP when this Esquire piece makes it fairly clear McCain hates Mitt Romney. That's why they "heart Huck." I'm just burdening you with all this, by the way, because I had insomnia last night and I didn't want to read the piece about insomnia in Esquire so instead I read about George Clooney watching the 2 girls 1 cup video and John McCain hating Mitt Romney.
MEGAN: HA! Um, except for W. and Cheney, most Republicans actually seem to hate their VPs (Reagan-Bush, Bush-Quayle, whomever ran with Dole), so Mitt makes perfect sense. But McCains'a maverick, see, so I think he might actual pick someone he doesn't abhor which is not Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, it's also not a single conservative Republican that he supposedly needs to re-energize the base and he's trying to me less maverick-y to win his own voters, so Romney seems a safe bet.