Jezebel
Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we slog through the weeklies in search of good celebrity gossip; this time around we found Ashlee Simpson instead. She's on the cover of Us and inside Life & Style, OK!, In Touch, and Star. Must be a slow week in Hollywood news! In fact, it's been a slow year for Life & Style, In Touch and OK!: circulation numbers are down, reports MediaWeek. (Star is doing fine, Us has yet to post numbers.) Invaluable Intern Sharon helps us read and rate the tabloids, after the jump.
Us
"How A Makeover Changed My Life." Ashlee says, "I used to look at a beautiful girl on the cover of a magazine and think I could never be that." She battled an eating disorder when she was 11 and "contended" with baby fat until she was 21. But Ash is confident now, because she's had a nose job. Awesome. Also inside: There's a rumor that Kevin Federline will play the hunky UPS guy in Legally Blonde on Broadway. Bend and snap. Brad and Angelina were considering moving to France but Brad couldn't put a motorcycle track on the 5 acres of land behind the house they had their eye on. Lastly, a random quote: Dita Von Teese says, "I have always found the artificial to be very beautiful."
Grade: D- (Ashlee Simpson singing)
OK!
"At Home With Britney." Four pages of pictures of Britney's house! By the same photographer who shot Brit and her boys. Leather sofas, warm colors, dark wood, traditional touches. Classy! Britney is heavier now because she is eating three square meals a day — prepared by her chef dad in her "state-of-the-art" kitchen. But March 5, she apparently sent a text message to a friend that read, "I'm so bored. I hate my life." In her downtime, Britney is obsessed with cleaning. And! She has a shrine to first love Justin Timberlake in her home. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston wants a baby daddy and her options are Owen Wilson or key grip Brian Bouma, whom she met on set in Vancouver. Rumor: Johnny Depp might be the face of Trojan condoms. But it's just a rumor, say the Trojan people. Lastly: At a club in L.A., Posh Spice was overheard saying, "I'm drunk... Again."
Grade: D (Ashlee Simpson acting)
Life & Style
"Angelina Trashes Jen." Intern Sharon only read part of this story because, in her words, "Who gives a fuck." But Angelina's brother James Haven says Angelina didn't go to that pre-Oscar party where Jen was sure to be because she didn't want to offend Jen. But a psychologist who doesn't treat anyone involved claims that Angie's comments put Jen in the role of the victim and are disingenuous, blah, blah, blah. Moving on: Tallulah Willis says of Ashton Kutcher: "I find it weird that people think my stepdad is hot." The Spears family is going broke? Lynne went into a jewelry store but she wasn't there to buy; the mag insinuates that she needed to sell some diamonds. A Brit paper predicts Britney could out of money by the time she is 30. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn doesn't get her Nickelodeon TV show money because it sits in a trust fund until she turns 18. Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have hired a wedding planner and might get married at Lionel Richie's mansion — Lionel will sing! Lindsay Lohan won't be in mom Dina's reality show and doesn't know much about it. When she went to entertain the troops in Kuwait, Jessica Simpson brought a copy of her movie, Major Movie Star and the soldiers loved watching her go through boot camp. Ashlee Simpson has new tattoos, has been "partying too much" and drinks vodka and Johnny Walker Black. Lastly: Javier Bardem used to be a stripper? In Spain? But when his boss wanted him to perform nude, he quit.
Grade: D+ (Ashlee Simpson lipsyncing)
In Touch
"Baby Joy!" Impending fatherhood has made Matthew McConaughey quit drinking and buy a house, even though he used to say he'd always live in his trailer. He loves his baby mama because he finally met a girl to go hiking with who doesn't mind not showering for a week. Also inside: On a photo of Ali and Lindsay Lohan (Fig. 1), the copy reads "Which sister is older again?" Oh, snap! Angelina Jolie believes Brad Pitt saved her life, because he rescued her from "a life of manic breakdowns, meaningless sex and self-destructive behavior." And that's why she'll marry him. Or so says the mag. Now that she's living with her dad, Britney is "calmer and more upbeat," says a source. "Britney never had a normal childhood, and now she does. She has a curfew, an allowance and her father tells her who she can and can't see." Camera engineer Brian Bouma visited Jen Aniston in L.A. for ten days. She really likes him but she is "still pessimistic about love," says a source. Don't tell Paula Abdul, but her live-in love JT Torregiani was seen diamond-shopping and might pop the question! Plus: Lindsay Lohan has squandered her $15 million fortune on rehab, clothes, vacations and bodyguards. The magazine estimates some of her expenses: Drinks, $10K a night; hotels, $1 million a year; beauty/makeup artists/tanning, $1 million ($70,000 on tanning alone!). Lastly: "The List" this week is "Hollywood's Most Unlikely Studs" is all the icky fugly guys who somehow end up getting laid: Cisco Adler, Zach Braff, Marilyn Manson, Travis Barker... David Spade is No. 1.
Grade: C (Ashlee Simpson dancing)
Star
"Stars Without Makeup!" Young'uns Ashley Tisdale, Miley Cyrus, and Rachel Bilson look basically the same — or better — without makeup. Katherine Heigl, Katie Holmes and Jessica Biel are victims of unflattering photographs. Jennifer Love Hewitt has great skin and looks like she's 18, period. Moving on. Britney may or may not be carrying Adnan Ghalib's baby, but they did go out March 8. Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis are all in "adolescent hell." Demi Moore and Bruce Willis are dealing with three teenage daughters and that means "raging emotions, rebellious attitudes and boys, boys boys." It's sexist but kinda funny. Even though she is 19, Rumer's out at clubs every night, uh-oh! Blind item! "Which fair-haired actor, who has been battling personal demons, was seen stumbling out of a swank Miami hot spot last weekend?" Jennifer Lopez is a Momzilla! She hired a color consultant, who told her to decorate the babies' rooms in aquamarine, because it's soothing and intellectually stimulating. Also, the twins' cribs are studded with diamonds, rubies and sapphires. Baby bling! Miley Cyrus' family tree has some scandalous branches: Her mom, Tish, was a groupie and got knocked up by a drummer when she was 19; Miley's half-sister Brandi, 20, plays guitar in Miley's backing band. As for Billy Ray, he got a waitress pregnant in 1991. Nicole and Joel have purchased a NYC apartment on Bowery and Spring. Also, Nicole is hoping Paris' relationship with Joel's brother Benji goes down the toilet; "she wants to get on with her life without Paris," a source spills. George Clooney will marry girlfriend Sarah Larson at his villa on Lake Como in Italy this summer. Lisa Marie Presley says: "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant." And it's twins! And she's five foot three, so she's huge right now. Plus: Ashlee Simpson is out of control. She's what we call a drunkorexic: Wasted all the time and not eating much. People say Pete Wentz is a bad influence. Side by side pix of her in 2004 and now show she used to be much cuter (Fig. 2).
Grade: C+ (Ashlee Simpson in a photograph from 2004)
Fig. 1:
Fig. 2:
Comments
Ashlee Simpson in general gets a grade F (The Ashlee Simpson Show).
"Autobiography", "Pieces of Me", "I am Me"....the girl spends a fuckload of time considering herself.
I'm not going to say that Simpson looks better post-nose job. She certainly looks WAY different. It would be bizarre to look in the mirror and see a totally different person.
Also, I wish people would stop saying they "battled" an eating disorder within a year. Highly unlikely. That's more likely disordered eating and/or body dysmorphic disorder, NOT an eating disorder.
I hope that doesn't come off as insensitive, but eating disorders are serious, long term illnesses.
Don't kill me for saying this but 2004 Ashlee looks a little like SlutMachine.
Can't. Comment. Blown away by the 2004 pic of Ashley. She looked good! Stop hating on ourselves, women.
Fig 2 makes me so sad. Oh Ashlee, you didn't need a new nose. (Though it was your choice, and if it makes you feel beautiful, yeah, yeah, whatever.)
Also.. the stars without makeup? Still pretty. Big surprise.
I wanna be a Jezebel intern! *pouts*
@princessxenu: OMG! I spelled her name incorrectly.
Ugh, US Magazine needs to give up all their "Lose weight like the stars" and "How makeup and plastic surgery can make you feel soooooo much better about yourself" stories. Go back to trashy gossip please! it's more fun that hearing about Asslee Simpsons food diary (1 vodka, 1 Johnny Walker, 1 vodka)
@JessicaLovejoy: Backstairsly: Yeah. Except everything she does is clearly ripped off of someone else. I think she found her last video in Gwen's reject bin.
I dragged my hungover ass out of bed this morning for Midweek Madness and ANTM. This life? It is so sad.
Also, sounds like Posh is picking up what I'm putting down.
Kevin Federline as hunky anything = gag.
oh, ashlee, ashlee, ashlee. the only thing good that came out of your career was the gogo cover of "pieces of me." and before the nose/dye job, you were kind of a babe. bummer.
I actually liked Old Ashlee better.
I read Brian Bouma at Brian Boitano both times and cracked the hell up.
Can I please go to the Richie/Madden wedding? I want their wedding song be "Dancing on the Ceiling". Or "Hello"!!!!
That Christina picuture with "no make-up" is actually Christina with normal human amounts of make-up.
WHAT No way is that what Miley Cyrus looks like without makeup. SHE'S LIKE 16.
Photoshop of horrors - Does the OK! cover look that bad when it's all expanded? Britney's face looks like a creepy mask and the lighting on the shoulder looks all wrong, like an untrained touchup artist went crazy with the Gaussian blur filter.
And as much as I don't care about Miley Cyrus, the "OMG EXPOSE SHE'S NOT WEARING TEH MAKEUP!11" is a bit much, even for trashy tabloids. Isn't she seriously like 15? I wasn't allowed to wear makeup when I was 15.
@hamburgerhotdog: I can see that.
God, that's a lousy blind item. Owen Wilson. Pffft.
On another note, am I the only one who enjoys seeing celebs without makeup? Not because I'm like "HAHAH UGLY BITCH" like some people do. It makes me feel better about myself seeing that everybody is normal, famous or not. I think most people look better without pounds of makeup anyway.
I prefer Ashley Simpson blonde and old-nosed.
While Ashlee Simpson does annoy me, I think she looked good in 2004, black hair, pre-nose job and all.
That's all I've got, Benadryl is making my thinking fuzzy.
I love that the ratings this week were based on A. Simpson. Other than that, I cannot believe she is so popular this week.
And Jennifer Lopez makes me puke in my mouth. I can't get worked up enough to care!
This is embarrassing, but I used to watch the Ashlee Simpson show so much. In my defense I had free cable and MTV aired it like 22 hours a day, but I kind of couldn't hate her. She's not mean, or even stupid, she's just young and impressionable.
Also, breaking news, guys: Mariah is replacing Janet on SNL this weekend. Think they'll work her in to a Spitzer skit?
Man, if I didn't know she was Ashlee Simpson in that first one I woulda convinced her to go lez for me. What a difference.
@JessicaLovejoy: Backstairsly: But isn't is all about her? That's what her daddy said.
Having worked for the heinous,rank-amateur publisher of InTouch and Life & Style, nothing makes me happier today than hearing those rags' circulation numbers are down. Is schadenfreude one of the new deadly sins?
@hamburgerhotdog: I was thinking the same thing! Not as well put-together, of course.
I continue to find Posh endearing. "I'm drunk....again" is a keeper line.
@hortense: I have to admit that I watched the whole season of that. I was fascinated by how important it was to all of her family (esp. Creepy Joe Simpson) that she become a superstar like her sister.
Stars Without Makeup always made me sleepy, even when I was a kid. You mean Xtina wears concealer?? OMG ZOMG Zzzzzzzz...
hold up now...what's this business about George Clooney getting married? i mean, i'm sure it's garbage, but still. in the words of Michael Bluth, i must say, "her?" that's all.
@misssgolightly: no dude, i fucking love it. not 'cause i'm a hater, but because i know deep inside my heart that if me and my girls, or anyone else for that matter, had our own stylist/makeup artists, we could probs outshine these breezies on the daily.
@hamburgerhotdog: Haha you're right! Maybe that's why I think she's so cute there.
Jezebel has helped the downward spiral for these publications. How many of us do not have to buy these anymore because of this feature/website?
Or maybe it's just me.
Does Miley Cyrus sans-makeup look a little like Ellen Page, or do I just see Ellen Page everywhere I look because I'm in love with her?
Ashlee acting is better than her singing? Really? Tough call. Sorry but I'm definitely buying that Star magazine when I go to get my color did this weekend. I live for that shit when I'm at the salon.
@hamburgerhotdog: @Archetype: @Susan B.: I was JUST going to say that, and then I thought to myself, hmm, I'd better read the comments and see if I'm not the only one seeing the resemblance.
@ghanima: I thought she was young and cute. I was very disappointed when she decided that it was better for her to look like another Hollywood blonde.
@Miss Smith Drank Your Vodka: Not just you. I sometimes buy them pre-flight and then pass them to the attendants.
Ashlee was cuter back in the day...sadness. Although I don't know that I care to read her "US WEEKLY EXCLUSIVE!" Still, she's far less annoying than her sister.
Speaking of her sister, at least now we know that there are weapons of mass destruction in Kuwait. Irrefutable proof, right there. Invade!
Also, if K-Fed wants to shed his lazy image, Broadway might be the way to go. Those people work their asses off. Still not sure it's not just a rumor, though.
@hortense: Ohh interesting. Personally I'm praying for a Kenneth from SNL cameo. That'd be so awesome.
Ashlee was and is still very cute. Poor 14 year old Ali, who ought not be criticized for looks in the magazine, needs a new stylist, stat though.