Jezebel
It's time again for Cover Lies, wherein Cheryl and Maria rewrite the cover lines of major mass-market women's magazines to better reflect the content within. Not that you were considering actually buying "Cosmo"!
Back in high school, when our sexual experience was (um) limited, Cosmo was about the naughtiest thing one could read. It was a portal to urbane twenty-something maturity: sexual positions that no one understood, shots of men sans T-shirts, and secrets that "Guys Really Want You To Know!" Now, when we read Cosmo, it reminds us more of awkward teenage girls with hysterically low self-esteem. Guess the college education wasn't a total waste! Anyway, it's a good thing we weren't ever "fearless" or "fun" enough to actually try anything Cosmo recommends, because what they recommend this month is: running your tongue along the roof of your boyfriend's mouth while kissing! Bringing a "bucket of ice" out during sex! (And also: dry shampoo.) There's also a stab at humor with the "If Men Edited Cosmo" section. It reads surprisingly similar to what happens when women edit Cosmo! Have fearless fun, ladies!
Image created by Cheryl Campbell
Comments
"That's really on the cover" - too funny!
God, I really do love this feature.
and the "that's really on the cover" is killing me.
I'm so sick of these " X number of things guys/girls wish you knew". Does nobody talk?
But more importantly, how's the picture on the spine lookin' now?
assshanking can be quite rewarding if done right.
Again with the missing neck. What is up with that??
Have sex in front of a window, huh? My boyfriend I were caught having sex in the car once. We had pulled up a private road while in Napa and the family arrived home. With kids.
I saw the guy approaching in the rear-view mirror and nearly did a backflip I was so surprised. Totally traumatized me.
M-M, I'm so glad you're a full-timer now. You're high-larious.
Also, it's way to hard to get my own Adderall Rx.
Please put Cheryl on the masthead already! She is great!
NO MORE DRY SHAMPOO! I am begging you here.
why oh why, Hayden? She's too young for Cosmo. And her boyfriend. Oh never mind.
What's bad is I'm not sure if "Stab him in the ass with your heels" is really in the magazine or not.
Either way, another fine job. Except for the "have you head" thing which I think to think of as a Cosmo Freudian slip.
Mariah is going to be pissed when she sees that Hayden stole her dress.
Oh my god, don't shove your high heel up a guy's ass. You can never wear thoses shoes again.
I am trying to think of one of my friends that reads Cosmo?
Things Guys Wish You Knew:
#27: Don't take sex advice from stupid magazines. We don't want you to stick your tongue on the roof our mouths.
@mllej: Likewise, the "if men edited cosmo" feature promises the same thing: All right, outdated battle of the sexes tropes that make both genders look bad!
Um, what are friends for if not med swapping?
Hayden Panetierre looks unbelievably uncomfortable here. It's like she's a 13 year old on a family vacation to Disney World and her dad's taking a picture of her in front of the Magic Kingdom only he's taking too long with the camera and Hayden's just gritting her teeth while smiling and going "Just take the picture dad, this is REALLY embarrassing."
"You'll laugh your butt off!"
Who the fuck talks like that??! Ever?!? Even my 58 year old mother would look at that and say "Lame."
"logistically impossible sex."
that about sums up 90% of cosmo's sex tips. the other 10% are some combination of "do it doggy style" and "do it some place unexpected."
I kind of love how her pose kind of matches the one in the Photoshop of Horrors yesterday, in which a number of readers theorized that she has ONE GIGANTIC LEG and one really skinny one.
Poor Hayden. She looks so cute and fresh and realistic on Heroes. But here she looks like she has little tiny T-rex arms. Why must she be photoshopped so?
@mllej: Seriously. How many things can you not know that they tell you before they run out of things to tell you that they don't know?
It's late.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love the adderall reference. I take it and I love that shit.
Is it weird that i think the roof-mouth kissing thing is kind of hot? i'm a horndog i guess
@Archetype: I got caught by the cops when I was 17 and my boyfriend was 18. I cannot even explain to you how horrid the cops were to me. They LOVED him, and treated me like a dirty whore. Assholes.
haha rich bitch!!
"We Attempt Humor. We Fail"
BWHAHAHAHHAHA!
@hatepaperdoll: Hahaha! What a waste of a perfectly good pair of shoes!
@Archetype: I feel your pain! I was caught on the beach by kids & parents looking for turtles.
"Humor" and "Cosmopolitan" are two things that are not synonomous.
@onthecornerofparkerandwoolf: This reminds me why I love Tina Fey/Liz Lemon. During the episode where he's using her to make Bianca jealous, Lemon asks, "Sex standing up? How does that even work?" And Jack says, "You're kidding, right?" and she says, "Of course!" When she clearly isn't.
@Jerseylicious: Also, she's wearing a bath towel.
@hammerimissu: @rocknrollunicorn: I was like 19, doing it in a car with my BF at the time in Griffith Park. Park ranger snuck up on us, and fucker would NOT take his flashlight off of me while I was trying to dress. I'm just glad he didn't find our pot.
I wanna read the "50 Things That Will Make You Lesbian". That's my kind of feature.
I love how this is done. Also the that's really on the cover cracked me up.
at least she's not spray tanned into oompa loompa land?
@Sabrina Duncan Kicks Ass: 1) Looking a lesbian in the eye.
amazing. this.made.my.week.
Logistically Impossible HAHAHAAH
@angryblackgurl: Ugh, a few of my friends and I still get it. This is because in college we signed up for a 5 year subscription at a low low rate. Gross. I'm embarassed everytime it comes in the mail. I would cancel, but then I don't get my money back OR get a magazine to mock.
J@Archetype: Someone call Miss J - she's a noneckmonster!
My boyfriend LOVES it when I wear heels and proceed to bruise him 6 times by accident and then puncture him in the ankle so we have to stop right in the middle and fix his bleeding stab wound.
@angelheadedhipster:
Oh my, yes, is she ever. The sassy pose threw me. She's working it like the rent's due.
You know, I used to think Cosmo covers were dumb, but after seeing what the interns do to them, I can't even take the magazine seriously in the grocery store line. I've silently started mocking them in my head while waiting to check out. But for real? " You'll laugh your butt off!!" Oh.Come.On.
My mum reads cosmo.
@Hamsterpants: Explain this "dry shampoo" thing to me. I haven't ever heard of it
@PopCultureSavant: It tickles the everloving hell out of my mouth, and not in a good way. Someone tried that once, and we literally had to stop kissing for a couple minutes so I could take care of my painfully-tingling mouth. We resumed with strict instructions that the roof of my mouth is a no-go zone.
I keep trying to pick the BEST edition of Cover Lies to share with my friend who isn't cool enough to read Jezebel, but they're ALL SO FUNNY. It's HARD.
maybe i'm missing something, but i don't understand just how it's possible (or at least easy) for you to run your tongue along the roof of someone else's mouth? making out with the bf is one of my absolute fave things.. but i just don't know how one would even do this. now i feel stupid.
@Archetype: Seriously? It took me 3 minutes to get one.
I think the most ridiculous "tip" I ever read in Cosmo (before I stopped reading it - long story) was to put a glazed donut on your man...you can guess where...and eat it off. Oh, the insanity....
@lalaland13: What's bad is I'm not sure if "Stab him in the ass with your heels" is really in the magazine or not."
Indeed, its an old favorite. (I am ashamed to say I read Cosmo during high school, if I didn't actually buy that shit--same articles every other fucking month.) They phrase it, "wear heels to bed" (how original!) But "wearing" becomes (accidental) "stabbing" if you're fucking right and actually moving around.
and this cover is more photoshop weirdness... hayden's head looks disproportionately huge compared to her body (i know she's tiny in real life, but not that tiny)
@anniehall: Ha, they tackled it better in a Seinfeld episode, where they were shopping the pilot for Jerry's show and giving actor's auditions...one of the actresses wanted to know how to "kiss" like Elaine
I think that's the one where one Mariska Hargitay guest starred--walked into the room, and said, "Geeze, it's like a bald convention in here."
@DorothyZbornak: I am imagining this scenario happening, me putting my tongue on the roof of anyone's mouth, and it ends with the dude laughing his ass off at me.
And then I think of their "scrunchie" advice. My God.
@i dream of gene shalit:
Gross. Why would you do that to a man? Or a donut for that matter? They go with coffee, damnit, not peen.
I love this feature, but I always leave it thinking, 'man, I wish someone would publish a magazine that actually had that shit on the cover.' Beyond the rich bitch feature, obvi.
The head does not match the body.
Again.
Is her head detachable?
In all seriousness, these sorts of magazines do nothing for inter-gender relations. If women bought half the crap they read, they'd be neurotic messes with low self-esteem and very few sex partners (because what guy REALLY wants a girl to eat a fuckin donut of his dick? REALLY?!)
Egads.
@Archetype: No you need to lie honey! LIE! That is what I'm currently doing to get my adderrall!
This is really on the cover! hahahahaha.
Does anyone remember that "Sassy" article back in the day where they actually went out and tried the things that supposedly "Drive Men Wild" according to Cosmo? I remember one of those things was to rub your legs together when you're wearing pantyhose! And like, Andrea or Mary-Ann or someone actually did it and and of course her man-friend was like, "What is that scratching sound? And do you have to pee?"