Jezebel
After two days of relentless focus and attention on the now-resigned New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, the news agencies have set their sights on the problem of prostitution, and, of course, on his now-suffering wife, Silda. Her "charmed life slips away," reads an AP headline. "Brainy, beautiful, betrayed," reports CBS News. "Many wonder, 'why does she stay with him?'" writes a reporter for the L.A. Times. (The NY Post's Cindy Adams is all "so what?"). By all accounts, Silda Wall Spitzer was one of those smart, over-achieving women who awe and inspire. She had a strong maternal figure (her mom insisted she list her profession as "home administrator" rather than "housewife", on her college applications), a successful and lucrative law career (she out-earned her husband as a mergers and acquisitions specialist at a top New York firm) and, in addition to raising three daughters, she founded a philanthropic community service organization. And then the news broke about her husband.
Standing by her husband's side during his press conference was her decision to make, and probably a tough one. But was it the right one? How would you deal with a life-shattering betrayal — when everyone is watching?
Silda (named after a Teutonic goddess) grew up in Concord, NC, attended Meredith, women's college in Raleigh, and went from there to Harvard Law. She met — and married — a fellow Harvard student named Peter Stamos; the marriage lasted 29 days. Later she joined prestigious NYC law firm Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, billing 3,300 hours a year — more than nine hours a day, including weekends. She married Spitzer in 1987 and put her career on hold in 1994. They had two children by then (they currently have three daughters, 17, 15 and 13), which impacted her decision: "I felt very conflicted and emotional about leaving my job," she told Vogue last year. "It was not something I wanted to do, but I have never once doubted that it was the right decision for us. You don't want to give up your dreams, but you also have to confront the reality of your life. Ultimately, it was more important for me to have my family work."
Somewhere along the way, her focus shifted from career achievement to domestic accomplishment. Add that to standing next to her husband as he admits a breach of trust and you've got a recipe that leaves a bad taste in the mouths of many women. Writers from the L.A. Times interviewed females from different cities, and of different ages and walks of life. The reaction is the same: Women are ashamed of Silda. "I find it nauseating . . . phony and awful," Leah Schanzer, 38, tells the paper. Her friend Leslie Heller, 47, agrees. "It makes it seem like she's Susie Homemaker. She shouldn't be standing there, next to him." Says Linda Walters, 61: "She should've said, 'This is your fight. This is your battle. You stand there and get yourself out of it.'" "I'd have paraded in front of the microphone with a knife," says Cassandra Horton, 43.
Should a woman who has given up her career for her family stand by that family — including her husband — no matter what? It might make Silda look bad to face the press while holding her husband's hand, but would it look worse if she didn't? Is there bravery in standing by your man, as it were? Or, should Silda, as Dina Matos McGreevy — whose husband announced he was a "Gay American" — writes in today's New York Times, have made the decision to stand by herself and let the man in question face the cameras on his own?
NY First Lady's Charmed Life Slips Away [Breitbart]
Silda Spitzer, The Wife Who Gave Up Career To Back Politics And Ambition [Times]
Stand By Yourself [New York Times]
Gov.'s Wife: Brainy, Beautiful, Betrayed [CBS News]
Wife Puts Troubling Face On The Spitzer Scandal [L.A. Times]
Stay With Shpritzer, Smart Lady [NY Post]
Related: Poll: Would You Have Approved If Silda Spitzer Had Punched Eliot When They Were On That Stage? [Say Anything]
Comments
Oh Silda, I know it's of little consolation, but the Hermes scarf was just lovely.
It's her decision. I don't presume to know the inner workings of their relationship.
Women are strong and resilient.
Dina Matos said that she found out an hour before the press conference, and was there in a state of shock. She also noted that she was not standing there as his wife, but because he was her "daughter's father".
I think the children have a lot to do with this. One of the girls is only 13. That's 7th grade, guys.
@hortense: I mean Spitzer's children. I think Silda might have stood there for the same reasons Dina Matos did.
Also, to all of those women, shut the fuck up. Jesus, postulate all you want, but calling the woman "pathetic" is pretty sad. Amazing.
Maybe she stood there as a symbol that she's forgiven him. She is not the spokesperson for wives who've been cheated on. People who said "this is what she should have done" need to STFU. If it's her body, it's her emotions too. Who would take away from her her choice of how to behave?
It's unfair of anyone else to judge her for standing by her husband. I think it's an EXTREMELY personal choice whether she stands by her husband or not. Some people really do go for the "'til death do us part," and if that's what she wants for her life, then she should do what she can to make that so. Her 29-day marriage aside, she's been with this guy for 20 years, and that seems to mean something to her. She doesn't seem like a stupid pushover--I'm sure she thought it through and it seems she decided to stick by him for now. Whether I would do the same, I honestly can't say.
Honestly, I wouldn't have shown up. There is NOTHING my husband could say or do that would convince me showing up would be the 'right' or 'best' thing to do. SCREW THAT. I would be at home (b/c I've already tossed his shit out on the street), lying in bed with a bottle of wine, crying and watching shitty daytime tv. And hoping public opinion forces him to escape to Amish country, where they may forgive him.
And maybe she did it for the kids. Who knows. But my mom stuck by my dad after his multiple affairs and it actually made me dislike her (the first time, I felt bad, but after that, christ). Maybe if anything the kids won't tolerate that shit in their relationships b/c they don't want to feel like their mom does.
Ugh. I've never understood how these women are convinced to stand up for these idiots. They say Spitzer has been doing this for over a decade. I think its possible that Silda had an idea about what he was up to and maybe, since she's sort been "complicit" for all these years, she felt like standing up for him at the press conference was the right thing to do. I don't know. I DO know that it wouldn't be me.
I'm glad to see today people are a little more understanding of why she might have reasons to stand there. And before anyone starts in, this is not the same as approving.
I think it's so easy to judge women in this situation, but it's just so hard to know what is really going on there.
Most people say "cheating is a deal-breaker, I'd kick that louse to the curb", but the truth is that isn't usually the case. Plenty of relationships make it through infidelity. This is just on a massive public scale.
I'd like to think I'd have the self-respect and dignity to dump a cheater, but love is powerful. I don't know.
I'm not angry at her. I feel bad for her. She just finds out her husband has been spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on hookers, is under investigation from the FBI, and the role that she's been playing for the last 14 years (after giving up a job she obviously loved) turns out to be a sham.
I honestly don't know what I would do in public, but I would cut his balls off in private.
I have nothing but contempt for housewives. Sorry.
I wouldn't have stood there, personally, but guess what. I'm not in her shoes, so I can't judge harshly.
I just feel bad for his girls - they are old enough to know precisely what is going on right now.
I like to think I would tell my husband to fuck off and leave him to clean up his mess himself, but I just can't judge her relationship.
The NY Times article about her today made me want to punch Spitzer in his ugly caveman face. She gave up her career to support him and raise his children (again, tough decision, no judgment - what kind of choice does a political wife with children really have?) , and he repays her by publicly humiliating her, wasting $80k of the family's money on hookers and potentially exposed her to STDs? Fuck him.
My heart goes out to Silda and I just refuse to participate in tearing down another woman who is faced with the shittiest situation imaginable.
I would have screamed I AM NAMED AFTER A TEUTONIC WAR GODDESS and beaten him thusly with a breastplate.
@Macloserboy: God damn straight it's not. At least as far as I'm concerned, just because someone does something you don't approve of doesn't mean you abandon them, even if they've already kind of abandoned you.
I think it's each woman's personal choice. Marriage is complicated and divorce is worse, especially with children. I do think that it is condoning his behavior though to stand beside him publicly. She could stay with him AND stay home.
@hortense: It's heartbreaking when you think of those kids.
I really hope they go to the kind of school that would rally around and support them. Not the kind where they need to take the semester off. Poor girls. :(
@sumac: I have nothing but contempt for you, and I'm not even a housewife.
If I were Silda I would have taken the kids and high-tailed it for some relaxing location with very little access to media. I don't know, some island in the Mediterranean or something. I honestly would have just had all us females in the family disappear for a few weeks. But as someone else said, I can't pretend to understand the inner workings of their relationship. She has a hell of a lot more resilience than me, and I am usually pretty tough.
@summerwheatley: yeah, once I knew that my dad was cheating on my mom and was NEVER going to stop, I wanted my mom to get angry, to leave him, to say "I deserve better than this."
Maybe Silda is choosing to handle her affairs in private, with discretion. It's her decision and it's no one's right to be outraged about it but her.
I wanted to hug that woman. She looked as if she'd lost 10 pounds and hadn't slept since Monday. I don't care what people say about political wives and husbands having "arrangements," or maybe they agreed not to have sex and he would see hookers, or all the rest of it. Girlfriend looked MISERABLE.
I can see how it would look like she was either pouting or distraught or weak if she didn't/couldn't stand there. I do believe it is a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situation.
Which is most situations women find themselves in, non? Married/single. Career/stay home with kids. And so on.
I don't judge her, but I would have to ask myself, in her position, whether I wanted to model for my daughters a code of behaviour in which women appear to support men for screwing them over. To be blunt about it. Now, in her brain, that calculus came out as, "I need to support my husband/father of my children/love of my life." I'm not sure it would in mine, but I'm sure as hell not going to condemn her for it. And, IMHO, and obviously I don't know, but her demeanour indicated to me that at least in her heart, it was not a cynical or calculating move. Which does sometimes appear to be the case, whatever-I-admire-her-anyway Ms. Clinton...
@katekate: I can live with that.
She did it for the kids? WTF? The message she's sending to her daughters is that it's ok for their husbands to betray on them and then compound the humiliation by asking them publicly stand next to him while he tries to salvage his professional career? Personally, I'd take my daughters with me to the divorce lawyer and give them a lesson in taking care of themselves if their douchebag husbands screw up as badly as daddy did.
For the children. Sheesh.
I think it's a mistake and it looks terrible for women. I am not judging her and have no idea what her marriage/ home life was all about. But I think it speaks a bad message to their daughters, and a bad message to women. She doesn't stand behind him during all his other press conferences, why in God's name should she have to be paraded at this one? He already made a fatal mistake, and parading her in front of the press did not help. To the contrary, it put her in even more the spotlight and under public scrutiny.
@sumac: Lame.
@Macloserboy: Agreed. I might have to check out of this.
@LoveNoelG: I think they go to the type of school featured in Gossip Girl. Hopefully its a little more supportve of an environment than the one portrayed on the tee vee.
If my husband banged $4000 prossies, he would need a pair of prosthetic balls after I was done with him.
That being said, has anyone around here ever divorced or been a child of divorce? It's not as simple as tossing her teenaged daughters in a LV suitcase and heading for the Ritz. She seems to make informed, careful decisions based on what is best for her and her girls. My mom has had more divorces than I have stretch marks, and it's only strengthened my resolve not to do that shizz unless 100% necessary.
If she divorces him, she's gonna think about it and do it right, not start throwing his personal possessions out the window like a crazy person. I'm sure many people are angry to be denied their right to watch her flip the fuck out, and I'm just as sure that, when the cameras are gone, that's exactly what she's doing.
Silda's presence at his press conference is all I've heard about the Spitzer issue in the last 24 hours. Why is she being vilified, again? As I recall, she's not the one who fucked up.
@sumac: Please fuck off with that shit.
I wonder what kind of backlash she would have gotten had she NOT stood by her husband.
You know, it's her choice. If she places a high priority on her family and "making it work," then maybe making it through this with her marriage in tact is important to her. Maybe they can do it. To me, if my husband did this to me, it would sure be hard to do. But "making it work" is important to me, and I hope that I would be able to handle it gracefully.
i don't know what other women should do. but my husband would be making that press conference with a black eye.
This isn't just a woman standing by her man - whether I agree with that or not - it's a politician's spouse standing by her politician husband. Maybe she's doing it for her kids, and maybe she's standing there until he is gone from public life and then she'll take him for all he's worth in a vicious divorce battle. These things work differently in politics than in real life.
I wouldn't stick by my husband's side if I found out he was barebacking hookers, but that's me, and it's her decision to make.
@Archetype: Back atcha.
You know, if he would have went balls to the wall with his marriage like the way he did with going after wall street, he would have had no problems.
@hortense: Yeah, I agree. I can see the children thing. Sigh, so sad. 13, 15, and 17 and having to deal with this. I really think she would have gotten grief whether she stood by him, didn't stand by him, or shot him in the nuts onstage.
I saw the press conference-two whole minutes, maybe. I guess Spitzer figured the press conference shouldn't last longer than he did with the hooker.
@JessicaLovejoy: Best. Reaction. Ever.
@Archetype: Ditto! Instead of hating on the cheater, women are hating on the wife, who made a personal choice, probably under great duress.
I don't get the hate for a personal choice that may or may not reflect what anything remotely close to what she's feeling...I don't understand the need to judge and debase someone's private suffering. Ick.
@JessicaLovejoy: yay!!!
@sumac: So if a woman is at home because she, say, is temporarily unemployed, or if she thinks it would be good to raise her children -- she sucks? What a crappy thing to say.
She's kinda damned if she did damned if she didn't. By not showing up wouldn't she be calling even more attention to herself?
Whether she supports him or not is up to her, but I think she's entitled to kick him in the balls, once, with full force and her choice of footwear.
"She should've said, 'This is your fight. This is your battle. You stand there and get yourself out of it.'"
Yeah, but that's not what marriage is. You're in it together. I don't admire her position and don't judge her for any of her actions.
anyone who is kicking this woman while she is SO WAY DOWN is a complete dickhat. JEBUS!!
@katekate: Well said. Not to mention, I doubt she knew much about this ahead of time, unless she was aware of his peccadilloes. I'm sure there's a lot of shcok, grief, anger, and just plain angst flowing through the Spitzer family now.
@sumac: Fuck you. My mom is an amazing housewife who raised 4 smart, successful, ambitious, independent children, working from the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed. Fuck you.