Welcome back to Cover Lies, where we rewrite the covers of major women's magazines to more accurately reflect what's inside, so you can spend your time in the convenience store line reading about Eliot Spitzer!

THE EXACT BEST BRA FOR YOUR BODY is not the largest line on Glamour's April cover, nor is it the most deceptive. (In what century, seriously, did the existence of sunscreen constitute a " Beauty Miracle"??) But the EXACT BEST BRA FOR YOUR BODY may be the exact worstest thing about reading these fucking magazines every month. It's not so much the pages and pages spent elevating everyday, utterly meaningless tasks to the realm of Huge Personal Challenges...that, after all, is what gave us What Not To Wear. But how, exactly, is a magazine supposed to help you try on clothes? If the women of America were actually deriving any benefit from those "Perfect Jeans For Your Body" stories, wouldn't we all have Perfect Jeans For Our Bodies already, and be on to the next Urgent Problem? Oh wait! Maybe that's why we're trying on bras now. Did you know that if you've lost/gained weight, it may be time to invest in a new one? That and other shocking conclusions Maria and I made after probing deep into the fine print of Glamour after the jump.