If you didn't get your vicarious fill of the sixties via nighttime Nickelodeon reruns, Behind the Music documentaries, the short-lived television show "Rags To Riches", your parents' LP collections, your parents' CD collections they bought in 1990 to replace said LP collections, worthless college courses you took instead of statistics and economics and other things that might have helped you find a job...well anyway, that is what Vanity Fair is for.The April issue has an excerpt of a book about Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon and Carole King, whom it decrees to be a sort of triumvirate of feminist folk singers, but of course they don't spend much time on Carole King because she was not going around having a trillion affairs like Joni Mitchell and Carly Simon were, which is the reason behind this post. How did these people get anything done while they were busy having so many affairs — affairs invariably described as "heady", too — with so many goddamn other artists?
It's not like their relationships didn't have time to become traumatic or damaging or unbelievably foul. Like when Joni Mitchell returned to her husband Chuck after having an affair with a curly blond haired musician named Michael. "According to Chuck, Joni grew so angry at his possessiveness, and he grew so angry in turn, that, he recalls, 'I turned her over my knee and spanked her.'"
AIEEEE. Okay, but no matter: she left him and proceeded onto Roy, and David Crosby and James Taylor and many others. Meanwhile, Carly Simon was "taking up with" Cat Stevens. "Carly would hardly stop at Cat; it was a time when no one stopped at anything, romantically..." But seriously, what drugs were they on? Right, so anyway, then for Carly came Kris Kristofferson, James Taylor, Warren Beatty, James Taylor... Joni wrote a poem for David Crosby in perfect iambic pentameter! Carly wrote her second Number 1 hit waiting at the airport for Cat Stevens! Where did these people get the motherfucking energy? Would I have that kind of energy if I didn't have to report on the stars of campaign ads and celebrity weight fluctuations for a living? Probably not! I would probably be one of those chicks who was like, "Um, have fun guys, I think I'll take some colossally overcompensated post in the coming economic expansion and then maybe find a husband and learn to cook for him or something. Not so much, you know, because that's the way I always heard it should be, but because I am lazy."