No Really, What Do You Have Against The Condoms, Luv Guv?S

There's the fact Silda is hot. The fact that she showed up. The fact it all went down at the fucking Mayflower. There's the fact this makes Jack Grubman's little Blackberry preschool tryst look sweet and sincere, and the fact this has to put Eliot Spitzer one degree of sexaration from some of the Wall Street greedmongers he so loved to loathe. Which brings us to the inevitable. While he was fucking Dick Grasso, was he also fucking Dick Grasso? Because, you know, the governor doesn't like using condoms. And that is pretty much what Glamocracy Megan and I have been discussing all morning. What, did he just need his jizz to land someplace it shouldn't? Or the old small penis problem? That and Spitzer's blind, marathon-running potential replacement after the jump.

MOE: Good morning sunshine! We get to talk about whores again today bc that's all that's happening!

MEGAN: You mean, that's all anyone cares about... I'm pretty sure there's still, like, nukes in North Korea and people dying in the Sudan and Iran being all dramatic and a Democratic primary today. But, yes, let us discuss the whoremongering presumably-soon-to-be-ex Governor of my home state of New York. The first Democratic Governor in 12 years!

MOE: Well, we could talk about how the Cuban psychologist who interviewed John McCain after a few years in the Hanoi HIlton is "leaning towards Obama"...but yeah, I'm thinking whores. And I'm thinking "things you may think are unsafe." What the fuck is a fucking prostitute supposed to think is unsafe?

MEGAN: I dunno, the kind of creepy fucking dude that insists on fucking you without condoms, disease be damned?

Because, God knows, you wouldn't want to mitigate your marital transgressions/risk to your spouse/crimes against womanity by having safe sex or anything so that you don't, you know, give your wife HIV without her knowledge and thus eventually kill her.

MOE: So what. Was he trying to self-destruct? What with the cell phone, the cash flow problems, the Mayflower Hotel? This was all I kept hearing last night on the shows. Like: this is too weird. Too crazy. He didn't try hard enough not to get caught. He's making his enemies too happy. Oh, and speaking of, last night TUCKER said something along the lines of, "It's always these secular moralists that turn out to be the biggest hypocrites" — um yeah, Tucker, go on speaking those sorts of inconvenient truths on national TV and you'll find yourself bumped off the ... oh wait! Anyway. So...personally I think, tough job, pressure, self-righteous prick, I'm going to put my jizz somewhere it's not supposed to go. NOT into a condom.



MEGAN: I mean, but, he's the Governor of New York, it's not like he actually had to, you know, pay for sex, even condomless sex. And given that the only lengths he went to not to get caught (as you said) only involved hiding the financials of it, which is what kicked off the investigation, it's not like a mistress (or several) would've been less discreet.

I'm going with something more deep-seated than simply stress and being a dirty whoremonger.

But, I'm biased. Guys that patronize whores wig me out. The rating system at the agency he used is even ookier. Like, hello Johns of the world, please rate the sexual services of the whores you use. Ew.

MOE: How creepy is that New York Magazine totally blogged about the way "Kristen" dealt with Client #9 a few days before this story broke???


Kristen, the prostitute, has just serviced a john. Rachelle, her boss, has asked her if he was "difficult," because, she says, this guy has asked for strange things in the past.

Kristen: "I don't think he's difficult. I mean it's just kind of like, whatever, I'm here for a purpose. I know what my purpose is. I am not a ... moron, you know what I mean. So maybe that's why girls think they're difficult. That's what it is, because you're here for a purpose. Let's not get it twisted. I know what I do, you know.

Rachelle: "You look at it uniquely, because no one ever sees it that way."

Kristen: "I have a way of dealing with that. I'd be like, listen dude, you really want the sex? You know what I mean?"



God though. HOW MANY WALL STREET ASSHOLES does this put Spitzer one degree of sexaration from?



MEGAN: I'm going with zero.

MOE: It's almost worth it for that.



MEGAN: Also, WHY WOULD YOU PAY A HOOKER EXTRA FOR SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM



MOE: For Clients 1-8 or whatever to be DICK GRASSO AND HENRY BLODGET AND JEFF SKILLING



MEGAN: It's like, omg, seriously? Seriously? Teenage daughters? Wife? Mistress? Your own health? Nothing?

MOE: Yeah I dunno. If you want sex without a condom, don't you just go to your wife?



MEGAN: Like, seriously, the Governor of New York is one of those dudes that thinks he can't come with a condom on?

You know what I say to those dudes?

I DON'T CARE IF YOU COME.

Because, really, while it's nice and all, I guess, for the dude to get off that is FAR from my number one priority.

Like, really, really, really far.



MOE: And wait, is that the whole "unspoken" part of this shit here? I think it is. That, hello, Silka not only had a sort of whore-y sounding name, she was kind of cerebral-hot, if on the skinny side (obviously, at 5'5 and 105 pounds Kristen was pretty skinny herself) and definitely, you know, sexually attractive. In my straight humble opinion.



MEGAN: Yes, his wife is definitely an attractive woman.



MOE: Now I know, I know, for every devastatingly hot woman out there there's some dude who is sick of fucking her, and they had been together a long time, but ...whores?

MEGAN: It should stand her in good stead when she finally finishes divorcing his dumb whoremongering ass and gets through therapy and starts to date again.



MOE: Do you think he just used to have illicit sex with like paralegals and strippers and crap and then he moved to Albany and it got more difficult?

Well no, I mean, look, she lives in New York, she is probably fucked.

MEGAN: Ha. I doubt he spends much more time in Albany than Pataki did, which is to say, not much.

But, also, I have seen at least one of my high school classmates get popped on a solicitation charge (it was in the papers) and rumor is at least another one did. Plus, two strippers in my graduating class alone. So, fucking whores: not that hard in Albany.



(For those people who don't obsessively track every detail about me, I grew up in Scotia, NY. It's outside of Albany.)

Also, the NY Post headline is sort of priceless: Ho, No!



MOE: Yeah I'm scanning that natch. So ... it's really uplifting that Wall Street feels so very very vindicated. Here Dick Grasso was just trying to hold onto the $200 million he so rightly deserved for running the fucking stock exchange and Spitzer gets all up in his shit. America's executives may never again know a legislator as innovative at chipping away at their paychecks as they are at finding clever ways to pump them up.

MEGAN: Sigh. I mean, do you think he was thinking about how to fuck Grasso while fucking the prostitute?

MOE: I don't know. I mean, how long had he been a client of the Emperor's Club? Is that clear? Rachelle made it seem like he had a long history of making whores feel dirty. (Such class!) Seriously he probably just has a small weiner. Not that I want to get into that, but isn't that, besides the overly large weiner, generally the reason those dudes don't like condoms?

MEGAN: Nope. I, ahem, (DAD: STOP READING HERE) have fucked dudes with small penii and ones with large and there's no correlation between that and the dudes that have tried to talk me out of condom usage. The only thing the dudes that try to talk a girl out of wearing condoms are the ones with the least respect for me and my choices.

Ok, that was really poorly written. The thing I meant to say is that the thing that the dudes who beg to lose condoms have in common are a lack of respect for me and my choices.

But, yes, I do agree that Eliot Spitzer probably has an insanely small penis in addition to being a disrespectful, hypocritical piece of shit.

Like, total micropenis.

Practically a clitoris, only less attractive and with less sensation.

MOE: O, condoms. No one has ever begged me not to use them but I am also not always the most vigilant person about their use but what the fuck, I don't get laid. I actually just don't want the shit inside me ever, but that is another story. Um, so I'm really glad my parents don't read Jezebel ever.

Okay, so...moving on to brighter subjects, David Paterson of Harlem seems like a stand-up replacement, eh?

MEGAN: Paterson is a stand-up guy. So much so that, well, apparently Spitzer was the only one who wanted him to be L.G.

MOE: Also he has a 13-year-old son who supports Obama and aspires to be an investment banker.

MEGAN: And he's reportedly not loved Spitzer's other little scandals this year, like the having the State Police track Joe Bruno and shit.

MOE: Ooooh, also he has run in the NYC marathon and plays basketball. And he is BLIND.

MEGAN: And he'll be the first African-American Governor of New York. He's a big Hillary supporter, btw, even if his son supports Obama.



MOE: Also I guess we had better mention Obama's name coming up in some email blah blah blah Rezko so the bias police don't go after us. (Hey, BTW guys, we're biased! We have opinions! Okay then!)

MEGAN: Yeah, I saw that. Took 'em long enough to work his name in there somehow. The trial started last week.

MOE: Oh yeah and Chris Hitchens slamming Prince Harry if anyone cares.

MEGAN: Uh, what the fuck, Hitchens? Show of hands who would rather be a dirty cougar and fuck Prince Harry than Christopher Hitchens even after he's had his sack waxed [Caution: Link is relatively safe for work, but may result in a loss of appetite or sexual desire as well as a desire to be blind]