God, y'all, Jewel is SO 1995.

I saw this ad in a magazine the other day and stared at it for like 5 minutes trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
Plus why is she wearing a Tankini top with her jeans? Did she just come from the beach?
What's going on with those hips?

That is one horrible bag.

@BiscuitDoughJones: who will save her soul when it comes to the flowers nah?

She needs to start working out better contracts so she can actually approve this shit before it gets published. Her Candies ad was no better, just slightly more awkward and porn-y.

must be her new Heroes ability, to blind you with tacky bling.

They made her eyes look in the same direction, but still cross-eyed. That takes talent.

@BiscuitDoughJones: that's now Jewel's second career: HP stand-in. No one will notice.

She looks like the love child of Kristen Bell and "Kyle XY". Do not want.

That's not her body. It's a head strip.

The insanity of her physical form is designed to distract us from the horror of that hideous bag.

The pants just don't add up to her waist...I'm so confused. It makes it seem like she's got a vagina that goes to the left to the left.

@BiscuitDoughJones: Seriously!

This is the gold bag
I bought
when I lived
in a van
a van
I lived in a van

She looks kind of greased up too. Nasty.

Oh, and I sort of don't have a belly button.

And when I see "HP", I can only think Hewlett Packard.

i like how her hips jut out at a 45 degree angle from her mini-waist.

@nadarine: Unless she cracks a smile. Jewel's crooked teeth are her Achilles Heel.

@ineffable.me: tankini...! Still laughing!

@littlebluebug: The only thing "Kristen Bell" about it is the hair. Otherwise, you're right -- she is looking a little "Kyle XY" in the face. Creepy. She's a pretty girl normally so I don't understand what's going on here.

@hortense: her poetry truly truly changed my life.

Tyra and the rest of the panel would have a field day with this one!

Fuck you, Jezebel. I've been trying to study for my test for like two hours, but you just WONT STOP posting funny/thought provoking things. Think about others for once, will ya? Jeeze.

Her neck is um, lacking.

@blackbirdfly: not the steak sauce?

This girl, she is fucked. SHE JUST TURNED 18!

Is it just me or does her skin tone match the color of the bag? ick

@hortense: Oh god, this is reminding me of Beau Sia's 'Night Without Armor II', and it's cracking my shit up hard.
[www.amazon.com]

Maybe the jutting is actually her ass? Like she's turned awkwardly at the torso?

I think I see a hint of the bottom part of her belly button right below the bag's strap. Now I feel sort of dirty for having spent so much time staring at her navel.

@Calraigh: Yes, fug bag - but even scarier still is the thought that tacky luggage tags like that on handbags could become a trend. In this pic it's kinda funny though because I don't give a shit about Hayden Pantyterror and immediately wondered why her bag was endorsing HP printers.

I don't even really get the pose. She's leaning, supporting herself with her elbow even though her arm doesn't look long enough to connect to a surface, and also lifting the bag up to... what? Throw it? Use it as a tinfoil hat against the rest of the alien Photoshop invaders?

Is it just me or does her skin tone match the bag?
ick

The size/direction of the head doesn't even match with the body. Not that anything could. One of the worst photoshop massacres I've seen...

AAAAAAAAAH (runs away from the monitor)

but seriously -- are belly buttons out of fashion or something? I mean, a few years back you did all you could to attract attention to it: hip-slung jeans, navel piercings (still have mine) but now it's like "hide your belly buttons"

why? is it cause people are afraid of the lint?

Oops didnt mean to post that twice!

I think her bellybutton is being covered by the corner of the bag. You can JUST make out the shadow. Not that this isn't a photoshop clusterfuck.

Daisy from Rock of love?

@Sophie: Thank you for hating on the tankini. I hate them with a passion. As someone with a long torso, I have found that tankinis are the most hideous swimwear ever invented.

@hortense:
I don't have a bellybutton
A bellybutton I do not have
but I can yodel
yodel in a van
yodels in my freezer
because they're better that way

When pretty girls go ugly- thanks photoshop.

Why do they even bother using real humans anymore? They might as well just make composite drawings of generic looking, attractive human-like models and use that instead. Cheaper, faster....at least then the unattainable industry "standards" of beauty would be just that - unattainable because it wouldn't even pretend to be real.

@BiscuitDoughJones: Oh my god, why haven't I read this yet?

I had a Gumby doll once that was rubbery and bendy. I liked stretching and pulling the body, but I did this one too many times. Gumby's body never returned to his original straight shape, so his head was sliglhtly askew and one leg was longer.

all the missing body parts are shoved into the hideous bag the size of Texas

@Calraigh: I actually like that bag...minus the HP tag. And perhaaaaps not gold, but I still think it's cute. The rest of the ad? Not cute. Hayden seems to be pretty proud of her athletic build and this is really just a smack in her face.

She DOES look like Glam Jewel. Who would approve a photo without a frigging bellybutton?

@BiscuitDoughJones: Hee!
@westvillagegirl: "a photoshop clusterfuck" just about sums it up.
It's.Just.So.Weird. Why would they do that? The missing navel freaks me out the most. And the reattached head.

Tyra would not approve!

@dashenbka: Oh yes, belly chains. They were in when I was in junior high. I remember one fashionista had a sparkly pink "Baby Phat" one. She wore it with her faded stretch jeans and sparkly tank top. And hoop earrings that were so big you could fit words like "Angel" inside. Oh, and the knockoff manolo blahnik/timberland heels from steve madden.

2001, how I miss thee.

@hortense: It's not a great book, but the fucking cover kills me. That simpering look on his face is the perfect answer to Jewel's poetry.

@Seriously, its not!: I'm not familiar with the steak sauce, no.

@fulanita: This looks like it was photoshopped by a family friend. This woman took some photography class, and decided to gift my sister with "professional" photos of her children. The result is truly horrific - my six-year-old niece's lips and cheeks are bright pink, and her head was clearly pasted on from another photo at an odd angle. My one-year-old nephew's head is also pasted on, complete with thin black line around it - even worse, the head she used is too big for his body. He looks like a spitting image of Mini-Me from Austin Powers - it's downright scary.

@meaghan2k:
This bag
has HP on it
some people will wonder
why I stole
Harry Potter's shit
and made it look
so cheap

When a perfectly lovely 18 year old girl has to be "enhanced" to be acceptable for crap handbag ads, then I officially give up.

Patricia Heaton. HEEEEEE!

@petuniacat: AHAHHA It's like when my mom took me to GlamourShotz with my best friends in eighth grade. I can't believe she PAID for those pictures we looked like baby prostitutes.

who buys dooney and burke? it seems so tacky to me. one of their bags blatantly ripped off the louis vuitton design.

Yes but what would Andy Rooney say about this?
"All the women who work at CBS have bellybuttons! I know because I've made sure of it."

Y'all are saying Jewel, but I'm picking up a Lisa-Kudrow-from-"Friends"-days vibe.

@bess marvin, girl detective: The only people I know who have them are those who are obsessed with having a bag with some recognizable brand name - even if the bag itself is completely fug.

I'd far rather pick up a decent looking bag sans fug monograms at TJ Maxx or Target.

And yeah - do people actually think that others are going to mistake their bag with interlocking DB monograms for an LV bag? Do they not realize that these particular sets of letters look nothing alike? The whole concept is stupid - as is the whole "it" bag phenomenon in general. Is there any bag that's worth $5k? Yeah, didn't think so.

Well, come on, of course they have to Photoshop her. She's so OLD and WEATHERBEATEN. Fuckin' 18-year-olds, thinking they can go out in public looking like...like...themselves!

There is actually a slight shadow of implied navel, with the navel presumably hidden just behind the corner of the bag. That spot would be a legitimate site for a navel, except for the giant flare of her left hip, which (and this is why I am liking this photo) implies that she would have a GIANT awesome left hip and ridiculously curvy left buttock, like she is trying to attract guys who like skinny women with her slim right leg, and guys who like thick women with her awesome left side.

What cracked me up about this ad was that in my latest Lucky mag, not more than four pages before the D&B ad she was in a Kohl's ad for Candies. The two pictures side by side are quite entertaining.

Way to hit the high and the low market, hayden!

@Lindsiford!: AHAHA! Andy Rooney should have his own regular post here where he gabs about fashion, that would be hysterical.

@blackbirdfly: See, I see "HP" and think "Harry Potter."