Jezebel
So, Eliot Spitzer, huh? As most know by now, the muckraking, ethically-superior New York Governor is said to have been "involved" in a prostitution ring. There were federal wiretaps at play, and the sexual congress took place at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington on the day before Valentines'. In light of Spitzer's transgressions, today's Since You Asked advice column in Salon seems oddly prophetic! A distraught reader asks Cary Tennis, "Have I ruined my karma by sleeping with prostitutes?" The reader feels his life has been destroyed by years of whoring, and wonders if he's a horrible person for cheating on his wife with hookers. Tennis gives some drawn out, hippy-dippy response as per usual, but ultimately decides "It is not about abstract forces and balance sheets. It's about conduct and relationships." This dude should probably forgive himself, but it begs the question — if you knew your guy had frequented prostitutes, would it be a deal breaker?
And I don't necessarily mean "frequented prostitutes" while the two of you were together. I think for most people, being cheated on with a prostitute would be serious cause for relationship reevaluation. I dated one dude who admitted to frequenting hookers when he lived in Ecuador, and I must admit, it made me think twice about getting in a serious relationship with him. But that was just me; have your say in the poll below and/or in the comments.
Comments
What. The. Fuck? This is up there with Clinton in regards to the fact you know your enemies are out to get you. All they do is plot how to take you down. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS!?!
Moron. I personally don't care, but any man dumb enough to do this deserves to lose his job.
Qualify please - does it matter if he saw a male or a female hooker?
Yeah, that's a deal breaker right there...
I wouldn't care about the past (meaning before we hooked up), cause I've done some wild shit in my time. But NOW would bug me, more because we're supposed to be exclusive than anything else. But that doesn't hold just for hookers either.
Just once, I want to see the wife be a no-show at the Public Shaming Press Conference. Stand by your man, my sweet Irish ass.
Can't take the poll...
For me, it's a *gulp* grey area. I could forgive once or twice years ago when single/young/experimental, (as long as he'd been thoroughly and properly tested afterwards). Can't say it would be worse than finding out he'd had 100 previous sexual partners.
While we were together or if there was ever cheating involved? Not forgivable.
His face in that picture, with the big ears... priceless.
@Macloserboy: Agreed with you on the stupidity angle, definitely.
Serious STD/Ick heebie-jeebies before it would even occur to me to have any qualms about exploitation.
Isn't there an option between the two? Maybe you would feel weird about it, but would have to judge the quality of the person, how you felt about them otherwise, and the circumstances?
cool a poll! anyway if my man needed a hooker then his ass can meet my boot.
You don't have an option for C, undecided.
I did indeed go out with someone who was an inveterate "John". Still is, when he goes abroad. I think it depends on the sex worker.
No to:
Sex tourism in countries where your wage = the cost of a house; sex with people who are on the streets and in danger because they are addicts; the effective rape of women who have been trafficked.
Maybe to:
Those who frequent happy hookers and are courteous clients.
I don't know if it's so much the prostitution or the cheating that would bother me. It might make me feel somewhat worse (no offense to prostitutes) that my partner felt that he needed sex from someone else so badly he was willing to pay someone for it. Also, I think I'd have issues with the possibility of disease(s).
Nope, sorry. I'm extremely sexually liberal, but I couldn't even date someone who had seen a prostitute in the past unless a) it was somewhere where prostitution were legal and somewhat non-exploitive, and b) it was a one-time thing.
That's just how I roll.
I'm such a prude, y'all. DEAL. BREAKER. No doubt.
@ThaKadinskyPapers: Doesn't matter! Male or female -- just has to be a pro.
Only if doing so is against the law, which, coincidentally, it is. Deal. Broken.
@nodoubt9203 (BAngieB Teamster #69-666-42): i of course meant whilst we were together, if it was before me then that's not a prob.
Seriously, the morality of it is one thing (and even then, it's only because it's really, really objectifying for women, explotative and dangerous), but the sheer "oh my god, I'm sorry, but I just could not, in a million years, be with some guy who paid for it" factor is too high to ignore.
Seriously, eww.
I can't choose either. It depends on the circumstances and the person. It's surprising, the things a woman can get past if she really digs a guy.
That being said, I want to say that it would turn me off. It probably really would, and I would have an issue with it.
But, I'm prissy. And insecure. So, yeah.
well, an ex-boyfriend of mine used to see prostitutes for a sexual problem before we got together and I didn't mind, but later he got cancer and died so while it was okay with me, perhaps it was not with the universe.
The guy needed to write Cary Tennis to find out if cheating on your wife with prostitutes is bad?
As my BF said to me moments ago, re. plain-old cheating vs. cheating with a prostitute: One is demeaning to your lover. The other is demeaning to all women, and illegal.
He heard this elsewhere, and (thank you Jesus) agrees.
Totally doesn't phase me. I mean, I've got the standard questions: condoms? was it fun? and you know, no disrespecting anyone you sleep with, por favor, paid or unpaid, but I really don't see it as being too much different than me toting a half-suitcase of sex toys around Europe for use when I was away from my guy.
Yeah there's no way I would stay with a dude if he cheated on me with a hooker. Also, I highly doubt I would be with a guy who saw a hooker (by saw I mean fucked, not happened to pass one on the street) before me. I don't like sorority sisters or frat brothers because they pay for friends; so why the fuck would I like someone who pays for sex?
It would be a deal-breaker for me. Because, yes, it's icky, but it's more indicative of a shady, dark way of living that I don't find attractive.
I try not to be too judgemental of my partner's past, paying for sex once while in Vegas for a bachelor party....meh. But continual use of prostitutes? Yeah, our lives are different.
@Macloserboy: That's pretty much what my mother said when she emailed me about it.
Yeah, that's a double negative for me: He was desperate/pathetic enough to pay for it and he was OK with exploiting someone for his own pleasure. Cause, yeah, I think prostitution is exploitative.
I sent that link in this morning on the Salon Qs - I wasn't keen on their subheading: I've quit with the whores, but now my life is a mess. Is this my punishment? But hey Spitzer's own Karma bitch slap makes it all good.
Before we met? Probably. I don't think I could get over the ickiness factor, and I would be constantly asking about condom usage, requesting multiple STD tests, etc., and every time we had sex I'd think about it.
After we started dating/now that we are married? Absofuckinglutely.
WHEN ARE THSE PEOPLE GOING TO FIGURE OUT--YOU CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE TO KEEP SECRETS!
I really don't understand how he could be considered so ethical and crush-worthy, even before this broke out.
In any case, despite Spitzer's slick image as "the policeman of Wall Street," he did the dirty work of New York's boss class when he wrote the MTA's injunctions against Local 100 in 1999, 2002 and 2005. In court, Spitzer's representative urged the judge to ignore the union's arguments to lower fines and added that "jail" or "community service" for Toussaint was "acceptable."
The Wall Street crooks Spitzer investigated stole hundreds of millions, but didn't have to admit to wrongdoing and didn't spend a day in jail. But, for Spitzer, jailing a Black union president was just fine! Spitzer is now backing the closing of many hospitals statewide, several in poor neighborhoods.
There are a lot of ways in which men can be sexually risky and explotative outside of frequenting prostitutes, so I'm gonna have to take this on a case by case basis. It is not an immediate dealbreaker for me, especially if it was done to meet specific fetishes. Also, I have to take into consideration how much easier it is for women to get free casual sex than it is for men.
Maybe I'm cheap, but if you can afford $5,500 per shot for some arse, maybe you could just find a regular ol' mistress or something?
Well... I voted "deal-breaker" but I was sleeping with this guy, once upon a time, who had fucked a Russian hooker on a friend's dime. He was like, I'm ok with doing prostitutes, but not if *I* have to pay for it.
Now, in retrospect, the guy was a douche for much bigger reasons than that, and I wasn't dating him, just, you know, getting some action. But now that I think about it, I've been long-distance with my boyfriend for two months at this point and I'd just about pay to get some tail myself, so maybe I can't judge.
I dunno. I'd like to say I wouldn't date someone who fucks hookers, but historically I end up dating whoever I like regardless of what idiotic things he's done, so I'm not sure I can take a stand on this one.
I don't think it would be an ultimate deal breaker, but homes better have a solid reason as to why he did.
Prostitution is pretty much a deal breaker for me. I could handle "I once slept with a prostitute when I was 18, but I would never do it again," but that's about it.
I think prostitution is inherently exploitative and most of the time it is impossible to tell if the prostitute is there of her own free will- the Guardian UK recently had an article about forced prostitution in legal NV brothels. I couldn't be involved with someone who thinks it is fine and dandy to sleep with someone who may or may not be there by choice.
Attention ladies: If you have ever dated a man who has been to Europe, there's a good chance you already have.
*hangs head in disgust*
Deal.Breaker.
It's wrong. I'll say it again, and someone will have to say it after me until the end of time.
Lean to keep it in your pants or you will lose it.
@SarahMC:
I know. Disgusting.
Yes, it's icky, it's degrading to everyone involved. Tell me, what if you are with someone for years before they admit if they slept with a prostitute before you two had met?
Funny, the things life throws at us.
Where's the "Deal breaker because I don't want an STD from some dude who paid for sex" option?
@rocknrollunicorn: especially if it was done to meet specific fetishes
Good point.
Frequented? Definitely a deal breaker. As for having been with a prostitute once or twice? Still bothers me, but maybe I'd be able to get past it? I don't know. Ew.
Yuck. Paying for sex is financially stupid, in my opinion. So many people just GIVE it away.
So, yes, it's a deal breaker.
@SarahMC: Seriously, exactly what I was thinking. The prostitute factor is almost negligible compared to the mere fact he was CHEATING ON HIS WIFE. Idiot. Same goes for the Gov.
For me personally, I think it's kind of a grey area, but my first inclination is that I really wouldn't be thrilled about the fact that the guy I'm with has frequented prostitutes. I'm sure there are a few things that would help me get over it though, for the right guy.
Very high ick factor, though I did have a guy tell me that he did it once "just to see what it was like" way before we were ever together. But if someone goes all the time? They are cheating. Period.
@rsr26: Great, my boyfriend spent nearly a year traveling in Europe before I met him.
I think I will just leave that alone, though. I don't want to know.
If he didn't have enough respect for me and my health to PUT ON A FUCKING RUBBER, like Gov. Spitzer appeared not to, then yeah, it's a deal breaker.
Why pay for sex when there are ample opportunities to hook up with people for free? I don't get it, there's a whole new power dynamic that's introduced when a guy arranges for a girl to service him in exchange for money. Very problematic, very different than a random hookup or a one night stand or whatever.
@lolacat: Ditto.