Kim Kardashian Is A "Fat Bitch" Who "Thinks It's OK To Wear A Bikini"

It's time for Missdemeanors, in which we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. What is wrong with these gossip bloggers, anyway? Were they all abused as children? Do they talk about their mothers and sisters this way? How can they nonchalantly pick on women, and their bodies, day after day and still have souls? [Or readers? The majority of their pageviews come from young women! -Ed.] So many questions, not a lot of answers. And tomorrow is International Women's Day. Females have been fighting for justice and equality for decades; yet oppression and denigration still exists. This week in the blogs, pregnant still=fat. A person "wishes" an eating disorder on another person. And Lindsay Lohan's belly is under the microscope. The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!




The Accused: Rian of The Skinny. Sigh.

The Crime: Scrutinizing the midsection of beleaguered, 21-year-old freshly sober Lindsay Lohan. The Evidence: "Lindsay Lohan Has A Tummy Bump. Food? Baby bump? Bloat? Weight gain?" Muses Rian. Do people really not have any idea what a woman's body is supposed to look like? Ever seen the Venus of Willendorf, a painting by Rubens, or like, the birth of Venus? Or Venus and the Lute player? It's not natural for a woman's abdomen to be totally flat. She can sculpt it into submission with crunches, and it can still stick out a little. There are vital organs in there. This is the way we are made. Learn to love it and quit nitpicking. I feel like crying. The Sentence: Rian needs to write a detailed letter to LL, apologizing, even if she never mails it. And then: Forgive herself. Plus: Sessions with a therapist specializing in body dysmorphia.

The Accused: The dude behind What Would Tyler Durden Do?

The Crime: Belittling a woman because she's not, in his opinion, physically or aesthetically pleasing. The Evidence: "I looked it up, and if you masturbate to a picture of [Cynthia Nixon's partner] Christine Marinoni, it counts as Sexual Misconduct in 41 states. In fact In Texas, they'll shoot you. And rightfully so. Pervert." Hey, guy, listen. A female's worth cannot be judged by her face or body. Cynthia loves this woman. Does someone love you? Do you love yourself?

Additional Crime: Mocking of Nicky Hilton's legs, weight, wishing harm upon her. The Evidence: "I'm glad to see she's supper skinny. Hopefully she has an eating disorder." The Sentence: This gentleman ought to be forced to spend a few nights in a male sexual offender's prison cell; then spend the day in the intensive care unit of a hospital cleaning the bedpans and monitoring the IVs of anorexic patients.

The Accused: A Socialite's Life

The Crime: Believing that good looks triumph over all. The Evidence: "She explained why she was experiencing trepidation about bringing a girl into this world, 'I think women suffer more a bit more than boys, and there is always conflict between mother and daughters.' However, Salma went on to say that couldn't happier that her daughter is in her life adding, "And I can't imagine there ever being conflict between us, because I'm in a state of innocence where I love everything she does.' Also, if her daughter ends up looking anything like her mother, I have a feeling she'll be able to bypass at least some of that suffering." Because if you are a pretty woman than there are no obstacles! Being beautiful is the ultimate aspiration for women. So twisted. The Sentence: A month without vision, learning to judge people by their words and actions, not their faces.



The Accused: Perez Hilton

The Crime: Assuming, as many of these bloggers are wont to do, that pregnant and fat are the same. The Evidence: "Wow...Jamie Lynn [Spears] is looking so....mature. Or maybe it's just her bloated face!" Gestating a human requires adding more than a few pounds, people. Educate yourselves. The Sentence: Some sort of intestinal parasite that causes discomfort and weight gain.

The Accused: The demented little boy known as Drunken Stepfather.

The Crime: Insulting, misogynous remarks about Kim Kardashian, and, of course, her posterior. The Evidence: "She doesn't have cellulite because her fat is so compacted that the skin looks smooth, when really it's just tryin' to hold it all in there without exploding all over the place. Most fat chicks swim in their t-shirts, but this bitch seems to think it's ok to wear a bikini. She also thinks it's ok to pose for Playboy. What bitch needs to do is spend some time with her boyfriend's personal pro-athlete trainer, not more time thinkin' her body is good enough to flaunt, even though I'm still checkin' it out, but I am a easy to please." Well. We all know that Kim Kardashian is not fat. We all know that DS is trying to incite controversy, or outrage, or attention, or all of the above. But it's still not right to type these words about any woman. The Sentence: I don't even know anymore. Suggestions?