NUMBERSSSS! Why all the GIGANTIC MEANINGLESS NUMBERS, women's magazines of the world? A theory: it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The readers love the big numbers! And so the magazine editors fill the magazine with lots and lots of THINGS! But after awhile they have so many THINGS they can't count them all! And that's when they're just like, "570+." ELLE wants you to know they have more than five hundred seventy new things to buy in its March issue. Just in case you are autistic or something! Because otherwise, why the fuck would you care?! They didn't name the most boring book of the Bible "Numbers" for nothing, you know! (Okay, that could be a lie, like we have read the Bible. We can barely get through ELLE!) After the jump, Editorial Assistant Maria and I rewrite the cover lines of the March ELLE to more accurately reflect the qualitative — not just quantitative — truth about what's inside.

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