Gossip Girl Writer Turns Fertility Paranoia Porn Into An Art Form

I never really understood what women's magazines were for until a story in the April Glamour made it all clear: they are fertility pity porn for single ambitious women who find themselves suddenly seized with the paranoia that they'll be forever unable to bear children. Duh! Okay, but this month's motherhood memoirist, Gossip Girl writer Jessica Queller, is a special case: aside from deciding to be a single mom after years and years of careerism and dating, she tests positive for the BRCA mutation, which makes people more likely to get breast and cervical cancer, and opts to get a preventative double mastectomy first. (And if you were wondering, which you probably weren't because it always happens like this in preventative double mastectomy stories — she takes the opportunity to make her breasts smaller. "I opted for silicone implants and traded in my pinup-girl, size 32D breasts (which always felt too big on me) for a B cup," she writes.) And then...

She finds out her removed breasts had a soon-to-be malignant tumor! She's shocked. And she's still got to worry about ovarian cancer. She can only safely have a baby until she is 40. She's 37. She just broke up with someone! She decides to "have a baby on my own and worry about love later." (This is before that Lori Gottlieb essay made it clear that was a bad idea, remember. But now there's something else to worry about. Should she use this new test whereby she can make sure her embryo lacks the BRCA mutation? "Who wouldn't want to spare their child the horrors of the breast cancer gene? On the other hand, if PGD had existed in 1969, I would have been tossed in the trash," she writes. (Hey, Jessica, ever had a friend who was the result of an unplanned pregnancy? Don't use that logic next time you take her to the abortion clinic, mmkay?)

So she rules out the special BRCA testing. Now to find a sperm donor. She finds the perfect one. "half Hungarian, half East Indian, tall, athletic, a grad student with a spotless medical history."

His sperm was all sold out!

So more drama. She found another "stellar candidate" and "took him off the market immediately."

And then she got pregnant. She didn't know she was pregnant. "Are your nipples sore?" a friend asks.

"My nipples have no feeling," she says. "They're skin grafts." Oh right. Anyway, so the point is...having a baby is the most challenging thing you will ever do in your entire life and as a result you should turn the page and not feel guilty flipping through page after page of hair care stories because you had better figure out some way of attracting a man RIGHT THE FUCK NOW OR ELSE CUT OFF YOUR TITS AND DO IT BY YOURSELF? Yeah, I'm assuming that's the message.