Couldn't We All Benefit From A Week At Dominatrix School?

Wounded? Beaten-down? Wallowing in the sad acceptance of the irreversibility of your own vulnerability? Sick of those Socratic shower-time inner dialogues wherein you once again talk yourself into coming to terms with the fact that he is a cowardly scum who is, you know, why not just say it, not that into you?? Well! This month's Bizarre magazine — not to be confused with Bazaar! We wish though! — has a lucrative solution: Dominatrix Academy. The magazine sends a submissive writer to learn the basics of dominance at a dungeon called Rapture, and as someone who always sucked at dominance, I read it with interest. The writer learns basic icebreakers like: "The only way you can worship my ass is by eating my shit." There are eight basic courses necessary to pass — psychology, safety, bondage, piercings, corporal punishment, "electricity", cock and ball torture (this is called CBT) and anal play - plus loads of helpful electives like "How To Hold A Believable Military Interrogation." (Ooooooh, I bet I know!) Her instructor got into the business to get back at an ex. Did it work?

Oh well, let's be honest, probably not. The problem with dudes who are into domination is that they almost always seem to be as fat and cowardly and emotionally-childlike and generally pathetic as they want you to treat them. And the problem with dominatrixes is that they all sound like they're wayyyyy into video games. And the problem with me and you are that we are too lazy to be dominatrixes. But, um, "the only way you can worship my ass is by eating my shit" is a pretty good line.

Learn To Be A Dom (With awesome NSFW photo gallery) [Bizarre]