So Lara Croft turns out to be a no-longer-closeted neocon. Now will Brad's red-state mom acknowledge her at the Thanksgiving dinner table? Will Scarlett Johansson compose a dis track for her next album on the perils defining victory downward? And now that terror has struck one of the four Las Vegas ExtendedStay Suites locations, is it safe to assume the Breezewood, Pennsylvania La Quinta Inn is next? How high-profile must the targets of the evildoers get to convince such haters (of America) as Michelle Obama that, hey, maybe it's not just a fear bomb John McCain is hanging over your head but FUTURE OF THE FREE WORLD???? Does any of this make sense? Try the REST of the compelling exchange between me and Megan Carpentier of the blogGlamocracy, after the jump.
MOE: Hahahaha your status message
It's like you're READING MY SOUL.
MEGAN: I might've gotten drunk and listened to depressing music last night....
MOE: What if we spent the entire crappy hour talking about the real tragedy of the universe that is our love lives, lack thereof department
MEGAN: 'Tis the reason for the season, or THE CRAP
MOE: And then everyone who has hurt us would SEE it and KNOW.
MEGAN: If they read, not that they do, because they DON'T CARE ABOUT US
MOE: It is the ultimate tragedy that JENNIFER ANISTON IS TOTALLY READING ANGELINA NEOCON'S COLUMN RIGHT NOW and realizing that yes, tis true, those who take a dark and cynical view of human nature are the ones that get ahead in this world.
MEGAN: And being like, goddamn Brad, marrying a bitch whose mission on earth is apparently to show me up in every way.
It's so hard to choose, would you rather a dude end up with someone prettier and more accomplished or someone uglier and hateful and stupid. Because you're jealous of the first and then like, oh, dude, really? about the second.
Also, this is the song from whence the status message comes. [Warning: I'm a little bit country]
MOE: Ah yes...I think you exposed this to me while drunk.
MEGAN: ahem. I have a pattern.
MOE: Oh my god, and this guy just came online who I, like, kind of somewhat fucked over a few months back. Thank you, karma deities. We had this very amorous one-night stand wherein the amorousness made me uncomfortable and I basically froze him out. I remember seeing the movie Ocean's Thirteen with him. Which is, of course, why I mention it, because it brings the conversation back to BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE AND DAVID PETRAEUS AND THE WAR AND THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE AND THE BALANCE OF POWER AND THE FUTURE OF AMERICAN HEGEMONY ETC. ETC. ETC.
MEGAN: Which YOU could totally talk to him about because he didn't block your chats and/or signs in occasionally and totally isn't avoiding you or ignoring you or not speaking to you even if you did freeze him out, which is better than, say, letting someone in who says that he has serious feelings for you and then falls off the face of the earth because you having feelings back makes him feel insecure so it's of course, all your fault BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE ONE PERCENT OF THE COUNTRY IS IN A PRISON NOT OF THEIR OWN MAKING.
MOE: Well the interesting part about this guy is that I did this post on this thing Esquire was touting called "radical honesty." And he sent me an email subject headed "Radical Honesty" with like ?????? in the body text.
So I emailed him back and was like "False intimacy creeps me out," which, to be radically honest, was a line I cribbed from Don. Wait, am I actually going to post this IM? It is so Summer of '07 Gawker. But with fewer exclamation points.
MEGAN: Too late to stop now!
MOE: Hey, guess what? There's no time not to. Okay, so ...should we talk about the troop surge?
MEGAN: Well, if you're going to admit your embarrassing Jezebel secrets, let me admit mine. This rap email? It was sent to me. And then I told someone who told someone and it got back to the aforementioned guy who I dated for 4 years and first he wanted to kill the dude and then he asked me why I would sleep with a douchebag like this instead of him and I might've cried a bunch because I was like... that guy hurt me but you broke my heart and then he felt worse and now I think he might not be speaking to me either.
MOE: Good grief. Can we discuss why this month had to have an EXTRA day in it??????
MEGAN: Like things will get better in March? But, actually, I know the reason for that! It's sort of half the Romans' fault and half the Catholic Church's!
Fucking Catholic Church.
Did you know the Pope is coming here?
MOE: Did you know McCain just endorsed some guy who calls the Catholic Church an "apostate church," and "a false cult system" — and also "the Great Whore" but I think that's a compliment. I guess with Angelina Jolie's tacit endorsement he doesn't need the Catholic League anymore.
MEGAN: Ha! Bill Donohue can suck it! Suck it Bill Donohue! Who you gonna vote for now? Hillary?
MOE: She's got Ann Coulter and Bill Cunningham! did you ever dream Hillary would get so many, like, protest votes from Republicans? It's really awesome. And yesterday even Bush warned Obama about Hillary. Did you see that? Again, weird.
MEGAN: I think they're all just fucking with us (oh, wait, right, we were moving on to a different theme). Although, really, I haven't met a real Republican who isn't salivating at the thought of running against Hillary. I don't get it, but there it is.
MOE: Nothing makes sense! It is all inexplicable! Angelina is a neocon. I wonder if Scarlett Johansson will come out and write a counterpoint piece now.
MEGAN: It would be good publicity for that inescapable movie.
MOE: Okay we have to talk about something. Did you get that I am totally worthless today? It is Friday. And it is a Friday that shouldn't have existed but for this idiotic "Leap Year" thing.
MEGAN: No, I'm worthless too
MOE: Look, consumer spending accelerated last month! That's positive news. Keep it pumping!
MEGAN: Yay spending! Also, the cops found ricin in Vegas.
MOE: oh god that's RIGHT. THE POISON. was it terrorism??? Because that would be an amazing target, an Extendedstay suite near the Vegas Airport. Who would have pegged it, you know? Didn't we find ricin a few years back in Japan? Yes right? On a subway? Where's my head at? Oh yes, in another chat window. Busted again!
MEGAN: I'm calling home grown wackos, but I'm usually wrong on these things.
Also, gay pron twins arrested in burglaries! I guess it doesn't pay that well after all!
MOE: Oh look and John McCain must have read Crappy Hour yesterday!
MEGAN: Dammit! Which one of the commenters is a McCain plant! Witch hunt!
MOE: Do you get Renzi mixed up with Rezko too or is that just me???
MEGAN: No, but only because I used to be a lobbyist and I heard of Renzi first, but it's not surprising