Barry, seriously. You know we love you, would marry you, have your illegitimate left-handed black Luo children, attend your Cheney family reunion etc. etc. But dude, "if Al Qaeda is forming a base in Iraq"? (P.S.: Seriously, why do all your freaking fans always cheer so rabidly every time you point out things like the fact that Al Qaeda wouldn't be in Iraq if we hadn't gone and declared a State of Nature over there? I know they think you're the second coming of the Panchen Lama or something but do they also believe in time travel? Britney Spears isn't even sure she believes in time travel.) Okay, and issue two: Medvedvhatevs. He's the new president of Russia! What, you thought Vladimir Putin was president for life? He is! But now he's got a body double. No literally! Putin even put him on a low-carb diet to suck away at the manboobs. All that and Bill Clinton drunk dialing Tina Fey, with me and Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier, after the jump.
MEGAN: Soooo, you thought yesterday was a slow news day?
MOE: Haha yeah, today all the news is about Medved-EVER. Like it even matters. Okay, so he's just basically like the same thing as Putin only, another physical person right? Like a body double. I hate it when a dictatorship gets a new leadership and you're supposed to try and figure out how they'll do things differently. It's like.... Kremlinology, you know?
MEGAN: He's more like a puppet than a body double, and a fairly atractive puppet at that.
[Insert joke here about where Putin inserts his hand to make Medved's mouth move]
MOE: I guess they met in college, where Putin was a KGB "student", working for a beloved anticommunist law professor named Anatoly Sobchak. But Putin was 13 years older and had old-man taste in music so Medvedev must have known he was a narc. Anyway Medvedev used to have his own views but now he is too powerful for that and anyway, Hillary Clinton almost remembered his name at the debate. Should we bring this back to American politics at this point?
MEGAN: Are you going to correct our misspellings of his name, too?
MOE: Oh also I think it's fair to say that as the chairman of the national gas company Gazprom he's been like the best CEO ever.
American shareholders only WISH they could get someone like him in charge. If you thought Dick Cheney was awesome at Halliburtion...
MEGAN: OMG, totally. There's just something about having the government help you create a monopoly that totally drives up stock prices.
MOE: Ooooh and he has recently lost weight, which the Russian media has speculated is in deference to Putin. Imagine a media so repressed that the weight fluctuations of luminaries was some of the only subject matter up for critical analysis! I know it's hard, Megan, but TRY.
MEGAN: Can you imagine, Putin being all like, um, Meddy, seriously? You don't need that second piece of Chicken Kiev. Do you know how long you'll have to job to work it off?
MOE: I actually think the communication was less verbal than that
MEGAN: Also, fully knowing that I'll never be able to go to Russia after writing this, I'm going to do it anyway. Putin uses steroids.
MOE: If Putin felt he needed his deputy to lose weight I think he would have sent the communique via other channels
Anyway so while we are talking about other countries we should probably mention that Obama, IMHO, left it wiiiiiide open for John McCain to make him look like an idiot re the Iraq when he said he reserved the right to send troops back in "IF Al Qaeda is forming a base in Iraq." One word, Barry. One very unfortunate word. Not that I saw this on the news yesterday so maybe no one's paying attention...
MEGAN: Well, like, maybe he totally meant, like, an actual military base. Like, totally.
MOE: Hahahaha it's ON TV RIGHT NOW.
Also, I actually really hate his response
MEGAN: It's been on a loop since 7:30, and I'm not even watching Fox News.
MOE: and I love Barry.
Oh shit that means I've just revealed myself as someone who's been watching Live with Regis and Kelly.
MEGAN: OMG, SOMEONE PLEASE FEED DANA BASH
Sorry, seeing her in the morning makes me want to binge on chocolate croissants
Luckily, doing so would require I get dressed and leave the house, so I don't.
MOE: But "There was no such thing as Al Qaeda in Iraq until George Bush and John McCain decided to invade Iraq" is an annoying response. It goes back to the whole "let's get inside a time machine and go back" aspect to the Obama message that, you know, if that was really what I wanted wouldn't I vote back the couple that ruled America throughout the eight years prior to all this?
MEGAN: It's sorta like... soooo, if we get rid of George Bush, al Qaeda will leave Iraq? Ok, suh-weet!
MOE: Do you think some people think that if we elected Obama, the evildoers would wave the white flags and trade in their guns for. ... laptops or whatever? Because I sometimes think some people think that.
MEGAN: Only for Macs, though. PCs are for imperialist pigs.
MOE: Well, actually, the most non-imperialist computers are the Linux hand crank-powered $100 laptops being peddled by .... .one of the Negropontes and neither Steve Jobs nor Bill Gates has been particularly supportive of the program, but in the long run I'd say Jobs is the imperialist because Gates actually just made all that money so he could give it away. Anyway, back to Obama-McCain: I'm really psyched about this. Because both Obama AND McCain, amazingly, are backing down from their base-energizing extremist positions on the war. And the interesting thing about an ill-conceived war that is going badly but responding somewhat to increased funding where the primary challenges on all counts are about morale and infrastructure and hearts and minds and civil society and, you know, FUNDING... there is a right answer to ending this, and it is not an ideological answer.
Also how did it become 9:30 oh fuck.
guess if Obama gets too rattled by McCain he can always pull out the he's not eligible to be president because he's not a natural born US American card. Or anyway, that could make for a funny SNL skit maybe.
MEGAN: Were you getting the emails from that crazy woman the last month?
MOE: Hahaha no.... lemme guess ? A Paultard?
MEGAN: I can't believe she sparked a real story. She must be so pissed everyone waited until after the primary.
She is from Texas. Paultardism is a significant possibility.
MOE: Well now it's kind of cool bc it's like, yeah, Obama looks like Mr. Universe but which candidate has actually spent more years of his life outside US America?
hahaha did you see this shit about Bill Clinton phoning Tina Fey to thank her? Another great SNL skit!
MEGAN: I did not? Bitch is the new black, though!
Oh, Bill Clinton's bitter? That's sad. I don't want him to be bitter!