Jezebel
Okay, so that Atlantic piece by Lori Gottlieb on "why you should settle": We wrote about it. Everyone wrote about it. On Saturday, novelist Megan Daum wrote about it. You keep asking us to write about it again. Maybe I didn't quite nail what happened to be my problem with the story before, so here goes: this is a story for women whose standards are too high. Women with "checklists." Women with those faces that freeze or scowl or go blank when they sense the approach of a Dude Who Is Beneath Them. Don't pretend they don't exist! You know they exist. They are our secret shame, because at some point in the past we have all been those women. Maybe it was back in high school, back when you looked at the type of dude you were capable of attracting as some visible verdict on how attractive you were, maybe because you didn't actually know how attractive you were, because you had body dysmorphic disorder or something. But whatever, at some point along the line we all learn the old saw: "Your milkshake might bring all the boys to the yard, but your yeast infection still stinks."
Well, except for Lori. She just feels like she should have "settled" when she was younger and prettier, before her eggs shriveled etc. etc. But then what would have happened? At best she would have had a kid with one of those perfectly agreeable guys who is beloved by everyone except his wife, spent three years alternating between barely disguising her contempt for him and cooing unconvincingly over how great he is to all her friends, only to cheat on him the moment she'd lost the baby weight. But no sooner!
Anyway, I'm sorry, but if you're like this, you're NOT THAT GREAT. In fact, that's a good rule of thumb, if you constantly find yourself dating dudes for whom you think you are too good, that is probably the personality flaw that is keeping you from the perfect Mr. Right type characters you think you deserve. And you can either think about that for awhile and work it out in therapy and maybe find some interests and pastimes other than the constant obsessive superficial life evaluation engaged in by all too many thirtysomething women you know, or commence dating fat guys.
Finding Mr. Good Enough [LA Times]
Earlier: Settle For Mr. "Just OK" — While Your "Marital Value Is Still At Its Peak!"
Marry Him! [The Atlantic]
Comments
"date someone you find annoying because they have $$$"
umm, no, thankyouverymuch.
ps-- lori, eat something, love. might cheer you up a bit.
All the talk about milkshakes lately- drinking them up, bringing boys to the yard- has got my CRAVING a delicious Jack in the Box chocolate shake.
What?! But I am that great, I refused to settle, and now I have it all.
Come the fuck on.
Hey! Some people like fat guys, hater.
Yep, "Lower your standards, Bitch." sums it up nicely.
@Scoithniamh: I had a Johnny Rockets milkshake on Saturday and I've been thinking about it ever since.
DING! vanilla malt craving.
Everybody knows at least one too-picky singleton but I feel this is just fuel for all the women dating losers who won't leave them because, "Maybe I'm just too picky". Damn.
I have not lowered my standards and it's keeping me single.
Apparently I'm one of those weird only children who's perfectly content being single and never really thought about whether or not I'd have to "settle" anyway. People always used to tell me my standards were too high, but shit, eff that. I have been in the same awesome relationship for 3.5 years after being single, like, forever, and I don't regret anything I did on the dating front.
(Goddamn I sound self-satisfied! I swear I don't mean it that way. I just mean I think women could benefit more from learning to appreciate singledom rather than being told to "settle" or whatever.)
@Scoithniamh: Mmmm. There is this place in my building that makes the MOST.AMAZING.SHAKES.EVER. They are thick and rich... but you can still suck it through the straw!
I might have to go get one now to cheer myself up after such a poopy day.
Are standards supposed to be open to compromise? I know that I have my "standards" but there are a few I will not compromise for shit.
sure, i cant think of that many women who would hope for a george clooney dreamboat to love our size 10 rumps. and our personality. etc.
but outside of that dream world, yes... just date who you love. is it that hard?
so, if I date guys who I think are too good for me it isn't a sign that the dating pool here in Chicago sucks balls?
@blondegrlz: Ahhh, last Friday night, I dove into a Red Robin chocolate malt and it made my bad week all bettah.
So, when is EHarmony gonna drop that "perfect family-next-door" front and call it like we see it (sing along, you know the jingle): 'Lowered Expectations'?
I recently started dating a fat guy. It's not all it's cracked up to be, but it's way more fun than dating a skinny dude.
@BiscuitDoughJones: oh I miss Lowered Expectations - that's some reality dating right there.
@TeenageGangDeb: I tell you what, man. Looking back on my earliest of twenties, I really WISH I'd have taken a leaf out of your book. But if I did that, we couldn't get together and laugh about all the colossal D-bags I used to date. C'est la vie.
PS: Peytron is the bomb, yo.
You know what. I agree with this to an extent. I think a lot of people, both men AND women, have super unrealistic expectations and hollywood further reinforces them. And us ladies are inevitably disappointed when the rich knight on white horseback doesn't ever show up to rescue you. Mr. Perfect Right might exist but if he's really that perfect he's probably alread dating Ms. Perfect Right.
At the same time, I have dated guys who are not on par with me in terms of life experience, education, background, income, and it usually don't turn out well. I couldn't relate to what life is like for someone who works as little as possible and isn't focused on career goals, even if he was nice. Like draws like.
I hate blanket statements.
That is all.
Some of my standards I can bend on, but others....hell no. I have before and found that if I bend those standards then it stinks and will never work out. I mean standards like - be gainfully employed and showers on a regular basis.
I stay as far away from that type of women as possible. Bad vibes are not welcome.
Maybe women should be encouraged not to lower, but to change their standards. Chicks who feel they have to snag a rich guy should probably be encouraged to snag a guy who, you know, can make them laugh or something instead.
All I know is: I'd rather be single than stuck in an unfulfilling commitment to a guy I don't really dig.
@hamburgerhotdog:
Agree. It sounds like the difference between "high expectations" and "unrealistic expectations". Everyone should have high expectations when it comes to friends or boyfriends but unrealistic expectations are a recipe for misery.
I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!!!
Sorry, been dying to say that...
Personally, I know Mr Right is not going to be perfect, just perfect for me. I can quite happily settle for that.
You know what, dating checklists are usually bad things. It is fine to have one that says "I won't date anyone who isn't gainfully employed, doesn't treat people with respect, or doesn't shower. But anyone who has one that goes into things like whether or not they play WoW, watch Sex in the City, or a receeding hairline is getting too caught up in the fantasy of a perfect soul mate.
Lori was one of those women, but now she feels worthless without a man in her life so she's willing to take anyone. Wifebeaters, alcoholics, the unwashed, come on over! That's her choice, but she needs to stop pretending that she knows what every other woman in the planet wants, particularly when she though a baby would make her happy, now its a husband and once she gets that husband it will be a house in the Hamptons that stops her from being happy.
Women with those faces that freeze or scowl or go blank when they sense the approach of a Dude Who Is Beneath Them.
I know a chick who does this and it annoys the shit out of me. She tells me that I'm single because I am kind to any guy who approaches me, that men like bitches and that's why she always has a boyfriend. I agree, "You are a bitch, and that's why they keep leaving your ass!"
@blondegrlz:
speaking of cravings, I'm having an affair with a Cadbury Creme egg right now. delicious. now all I need are some Doritos and to alcohol to help me lower my standards
It reminds me of that Mad Tv sketch, Lowered Expectations.
Oh, and btw Lori, I would rather die a shriveled old cat lady than settle.
@ThaKadinskyPapers:
Serially!
@ceejeemcbeegee: No kidding. I know a couple girls who think that it is leading a guy on to show basic human civility to them. If I thank a guy for opening a door for me, I doubt he thinks "Well, I've primed that pump; I bet she's ready to have my babies now!"
I know a woman who rates herself on the grade scale and then dates accordingly--will only go out with same or higher. She thinks she's an A-/B+, but don't we all evalutate our self worth and attractiveness higher than what others would grade us?
women shouldnt have to settle. just be more realistic with your expectations.
@BiscuitDoughJones: Hahaha. Seriously though, where would we be without jokes about how much some of those guys sucked? Remember when we dumped Craig's shit off at his dad's carport? Good times, good times. And it's not like I never got played by idiots I had a crush on (for reasons that completely escape me now, of course). There is defs. something to be said for the learning value of Experiences With Shitty Dudes.
I prefer a good milkshake to a mediocre man.
@BiscuitDoughJones: An American friends of mine told me that eHarmony won't allow gay people to use their services. Is that true? I am pretty sure that that would be illegal over here.
Who actually uses a "dating checklist?" I've never known anyone who does. I guess girls like that aren't usually the type I get along with. Isn't kind of about having chemistry with someone? Either you have it or don't? My rule of thumb was always that there had to be chemistry for there to be any sort of dating situation. Simple enough, and worked for me. Also, no practicing alcoholics (learned that one the hard way) or drug addicts (yup, learned that one the hard way, too).
@Scoithniamh: I'm going to Wendy's for a Frosty Right. Now.
I feel sorry for people who get settled for. nothing like being fooled and having your time wasted, time when they might've found someone who thought they were the tops.
@Jose Reyes: Yes, like date the plumber instead of the electrician. I see what you mean.
Why should I commence dating fat guys when most fat guys won't consider dating fat girls?
Anyway, I'm Quirkyalone. And I'm not going to settle. I may not have relationships but at least I don't have shitty relationships. Which I believe is the basis for much of the Quirkyalone manifesto.
That is me feeling positive. My negative feelingness goes something like "Shit I'm gonna die alone because all men are douches."
I think that Lori should try to get on that TV show "The Millionaire Matchmaker" where random women try to snag millionaire men. i mean, if Lori doesn't care about love, and just wants someone to finance her baby habit and do other mundane baby-related things with her, why not? It would solve all her problems. Someone should write to her before it's too late.
@HoneyLush: Stooooooooop it! I'm starving and the whole wheat pita I just ate is < Cadbury. I have a candy for every holiday and I already finished all my Valentine hearts. Creme eggs here I come!
@TeenageGangDeb: Yay! You are giving me hope. My roommates go on all these awful dates with these men that are kind of obviously a waste of time and I just sit home and laugh. They say I'll never find anyone, but I like my way better and now I have internets validation!
This reminds me very much of an (ex) friend.
"Well I want him, confident but not like, too cocky. And really hot and muscular and stylish but not vain. And he has to dress well but not TOO well. And he has to be nice, but not too nice cause I like when they're a little dickish."
Yeah, everyone has those "dream guy" things when they're in high school, but once you get in the real world you learn to compromise.
@esmemurphy: I will admit that I do, but it's more like "traits I want in a future mate" because I was giving some real losers a foot in the door and needed to raise my standards a few notches. None of them are set in stone, but it's mostly stuff like wanting someone who is thoughful, kind to his family, ambitious, etc...
"Your milkshake might bring all the boys to the yard, but your yeast infection still stinks."
Ha ha ha! Gyno humor!
Yeah, women like this suck. But as for dating fat men... How about we all take a walk and count the couples we see where the man is significantly heavier and/or less attractive than the woman, and vice versa. Right.
I have the simplest of checklists: Single Straight Mammal With Day Job (Who Doesn't Beat On Me). And I am willing to compromise on the mammal part (amphibians and invertebrates may apply). However I still have no luck, though that may be because I am lazy.
@Ptarmigan:
yep. thats the way to think
@Ptarmigan: oy! Both me the hubs plan on becoming old cat ppl.