The Oscars: They're on! With no striking writers, all of Hollywood can finally dress up in expensive shit and allow us to both champion and mock their fashion choices. Considering we haven't had an awards show in forever (uh, yesterday), we're hoping that the highs will be extra high and the lows will be extra low. The mocking begins — courtesy of the E! channel's coverage — after the jump.
7:57: Cate Blanchett: BEST PREGNANT LOOK EVER. Okay, onto the other Jezebels' liveblog!
7:56: Katherine Heigl is dressed like Marilyn Monroe. I think she could throw down Lohan in a second.
7:53: Viggo Mortensen: The Unibomber! Also: Penelope Cruz's chest has also sprouted feathers.
7:52: Katherine Heigl: Also wearing red. Is everyone wearing red tonight?!
7:51: Oh GOD Calista's HAIR?! WHAT HAPPENED?
7:50: Casey Affleck is so cute.
7:49: Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis! Ellen Page: Going for the flapper look.
The hair is all marcelled and she only looks, well, marginally uncomfortable in her dress.
7:48: Colin Farrell brought his mommy! She looksproud. Clearly, she hasn't seen his sex tape.
7:46: Kimora says "rosette details" are very fashionable, which is why Anne Hathaway's dress is good. Poor Marchesa: Their business surely just went down as a result. Women of Marchesa: I am sorry you must suffer the wrath of Kimora. You didn't ask for the anal probe. (Seacrest, however, probably did.)
7:42: My friend Joanna just called Seacrest "the Kato Kalin of low-grade entertainment TV. I agree.
7:41: Tilda is the shit. Even if she looks like a boy in a smock.
7:40: Ryan Seacrest needs to really stop harassing Cotillard about her accent. Who is he, George Bush? "Sound like an American!" Next he'll ask her if she eats Freedom Fries
7:38: Seacrest: Do not mock Cotillard's French accent. Or her dress, which is Gaultier.
7:37: Kimora thinks Cameron Diaz is under-blinged. Which, I guess, means she's just right!
7:35: Jennifer Hudson looks cute! I hope she dressed herself this year.
7:34: Jessica Alba: Seacrest asked her when she is due and I stand by her not sharing. She looks comfy in her dress. Marchesa should strike a deal with all the pregnant celebs.
7:33: I am so over Cameron Diaz. Also, her dress looks wrinkled. They need to steam that shit out.
7:32: Helen Mirren's arms are sparkly! Seacrest: "The naked man". It figures.
7:30: [Reader Heidi has just emailed us: "Rebecca Miller: No. No. No." -Ed.]
7:27: MARION COTILLARD: I LOOOOVE IT. But I know there are some who will say she looks like a fish. Speaking of water! Cameron Diaz's dress? Washes her out completely.
7:25: How are they hating on Jennifer Garner's dress?! She looks beautiful and classy. Though seriously, isn't an insult from Kimora really a compliment?
7:22: Okay, personally? I would be upset if my mom talked about how I was disrespectful and got grounded on TV.
7:21: Something is wrong with Miley's lipstick. Maybe she's like me and she has no color in the corners of her lips so when she puts lipstick on it looks freakish .
7:19: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill: Adorbs. Keri Russell looks like a ballerina. Her dress makes me happy.
7:16: What is going wrong with this supposed Jennifer Garner interview? Who is heckling Seacrest? [Looks to be Gary Busey. -Ed.]
7:15: Did anyone catch Cameron Diaz's tugging her dress up? Awkward?
7:10: Why is tonight all about Seacrest's crotch?
7:09: Amy Adams is so adorable. And her dress is GORGEOUS. It's Proenza Schouler. And, um, she's carrying a bag with nothing in it.
7:08: Jessica Alba's breasts have sprouted feathers!
7:07: Hmm, I either love or hate James McAvoy's wife's dress. I love the color. But tiers scare me. But maybe I can get behind it.
7:04: Miley Cyrus looks a little MOB. Her mom looks, well, cheap.
7:01: Patrick Dempsey looks dapper. [I think that Dempsey doll is what inspired Travolta's hair this evening. -Ed.]
7:00: Fun fact: Steve Carrell and Seacrest shop at the same grocery store. And Seacrest is a crazy stalker.
6:59:Um, Clooney's girlfriend's claim to fame is having been on Fear Factor? I am wasting my life away, clearly.
John Travolta looks...rough. [I think he has a painted-on hairline. -Ed.] But better dressed than Seacrest.
6:57: Oooh Amy Ryan is HOT. Amy Adams. Sorry. She is GORGEOUS James McAvoy is also HOT. Damn: Even Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson looks better than Seacrest.
6:56: Aw, Ruby Dee! Wearing a ruby shade! She is so awesome. And she looks awesome too. It's the little girl from Atonement! She's adorbs. And her dress is so appropriate.
6:55: McDreamy: Looks, well, McDreamy. Seacrest: Still worst-dressed.
6:53: Wow: Seacrest is a moron. I can't believe he couldn't understand Hathaway's boyfriend's Italian accent. Hathaway looks gorgeous: Way to go Marchesa. And Hathaway's line about "diaphanous chic" was cute. Ten bucks says Rami Kashou lifts that line.
6:46: Aw, Anne Hathaway looks so pretty in red! I prefer her dress to Heidi's. Aw, Jason Bateman. So cute. Also, better dressed than Seacrest. Shocker.
Steve Carrell: Also better dressed than Seacrest. Also, being patted down by many men?
6:45: Seriously, what is with Clooney's girlfriend? She looks dumb. That's mean, I know. And you shouldn't infer intelligence based on appearance. But she just looks so blank. Also her dress is some serious ugly. Just needed to say it again.
6:43: Um, love that the crawl has informed is that Tom Hanks will be wearing sweats and eating Chinese food after the show. And I love the Seacrest blowjob innuendo.
6:39: Ooh another brief shot of Kristen Chenoweth's dress: I think it's pretty. Honestly, I really want to hate her (and I shouldn't since I'm a Broadway dork and that's really where she made her name) — but her dress is gorgeous. It's a coppery-purple and strapless but not dumb. And belted! And appears to have a bit of a mermaid shape to it? She looks purdy.
6:37: Why are they talking about weight again? Hey, let's play a drinking game where we all drink every time they make an awkward comment having to do with weight.
6:35: Does anyone else think it's funny that the weather is "disturbed"? Ooh: They say the umbrellas are out! Let's play count the umbrella holders!
Uh oh: Kimora loves Heidi's dress? That can't be a compliment. Also, where did Heidi's bangs go?
I smell a hairpiece. I mean, she has the big fringe and the shaggy, shoulder length cut. That ain't a giant updo.
6:29: Kristen Chenoweth, thankfully, is not wearing her silver smock from the other day. I hope we get a better look at what she's wearing, because it's a little prom, but it's also potentially good. Um, why is Seacrest asking Amy Ryan to punch him? This is giving the the uh-oh feeling. I feel embarrassed for her.
Oh look: another man dressed better than Ryan Seacrest!
6:25: George Clooney's girlfriend looks cheap. The fact that Heidi's dress has a train AND the giant collar: Just too much. I think if it were strapless and with the train, it would be good. Amy Ryan's navy dress is the best so far: Classy. I like navy: the runway could use more of it.
6:20I don't know who Ken Baker is, but he's dressed better than Ryan Seacrest. [Thisis who Ken Baker is.] Whoa, Heidi Klum's red dress. Love the color, but the collar scares me. I am not sure why her dress has a giant protruding collar. They say regal. I say deflecting animals who might attack?
6:10: Giuliana is wearing this purple draped gown; Rami Kashou take note! It is bedecked with a sparkly strap. Also, her mike is all blinged out, which is idiotic. But she looks beautiful in purple — perfect with her skin tone. Ladies with olive skin: wear more lavender!
Oh shit: now Kimora is on. Why is she their other fashion guru? She looks like a kept woman, like she is wearing her dressing gown from the boudoir. She says it's J. Mendel. I say it's Concubine.
Oh Jesus, Kimora — Don't call Ellen Page a Plain Jane. That's just rude. Kimora also implied that Miley Cyrus occasionally looks trashy. Pot? Meet Kettle! OH JESUS. THEY ARE SAYING THE LOVE KATHERINE HEIGL BECAUSE SHE'S NOT A SIZE ZERO. And everywhere, women watching start starving themselves. If katherine heigl represents the "average woman" i fear for our gender. Kimora also claims she thinks celebs are getting heavier and heavier. Does she read magazines? Have access to a computer?
6:00: Okay, first Fashion Don't of the evening: Ryan Seacrest. Seriously: what the fuck is he wearing? His jacket has olive/copper lapels. And he's wearing a black tie against a black shirt. Idiot.