What's The Dumbest Thing You Ever Did To Lose Weight?

SCARY CELEB DIET TRICKS no sane woman should try! That's a story on page 348 of the March Glamour. Reverse psychology? Irresponsible? Whatever, we're reading on! And... well, turns out they abuse Dieter's Tea, do "liquid cleanses" and "stay locked in the gym...and then LIE about it." Oh, Jesus. As someone who has done all that shit and worse — well, I don't think I ever lied about going to the gym, as if going to the gym was something shameful in this society, but whatevs — I thought I'd save the jump for some even dumber diet ideas.

Not eating. "Dry" cappuccinos, chicken bullion, cabbage soup, gum, pickles, celery, kim chi, diluted cream of wheat, V8 juice, miso soup, diet soda...I have pretty much ruined all of these foods for myself by subsisting on them for years at a time. Don't do it! It sucks so much to look at a pickle and have that twinge of, "oh yeah, once I was thin."

Laxatives. These were my absurd crutch for years. Absurd because they never worked. Senokot for regular days, Correctol for really bad binges, laxative "Dieter's tea" when I felt like punishing myself for cultivating such a gross and stupid addiction by forcing myself to ingest something really disgusting to remind myself how pathetic I was. Laxatives absolutely do not work at all, which is why I wonder how someone as experienced in these things as Tyra would still seem to be abusing them. (Maybe, like a certain other Jezebel I know, she just likes the way the chocolate Ex-Lax tastes?) They just give you that "empty" feeling you remember so fondly from the days you could actually pull off anorexia. Which is why they don't work: you're so empty you need to eat.

Horse Pills I've never taken klenbuterol, but my best friend bought some in Mexico and they didn't work. Well, she claims they didn't work, but she's pretty thin lately, though she's also about to get married, and everyone manages to magically become thin for their weddings, just as everyone manages to return to their normal size afterwards. So whatevs.

Amphetamines These curb the appetite nicely for a few months until you develop a tolerance to them. In the meantime, I am pretty sure they give you gum disease and inspire all the old friends you haven't seen since you became really hermetic and focused to remark that you seem kind of "speedy and jumpy." On the plus side, it's not as bad as being a cokehead.

Steam rooms I never belonged to a nice enough gym, but my friend Tom used to spend an hour — literally, an hour — in the Raquet Club steam room before going out every night. Nothing like severely jeopardizing your health to make you feel frail and weak, almost as if you were one of those THIN people! I think you can achieve the same effect from overdosing on a heating pad during a bout of really horrible cramps. You're hot, and weak, and sick-feeling — as if you'd broken down and exercised! Nothing makes me hungrier for ground beef and beer.

Master Cleanse Tracie did this. It actually sounded like the worst ratio of absurd tactics/efficacy of the whole bunch.

Trying to Give Yourself A Tapeworm. I read a book wherein someone tried to do this before by saving a Tupperware container of salmon in his glove compartment for sixty days, then eating it. On the plus side, I think he did actually make himself sick.

Syrup of Ipecac I didn't learn till way after the eating disorder days that you had to request the pharmacist for this stuff. I have gone to the drugstore many times fully intending on finally rooting out a bottle of this shit, and pussying out because I don't want to look like that desperate of a bulimic. Usually I'd just buy a can of Skoal and try to eat it and make myself puke that way. That only worked once or twice, though.

Alli Was stupid, and expensive, and I'm pretty sure I forgot to expense it too.

Ephedra My ex-boyfriend, a former model, introduced me to this. It was like crappy Adderall, and it made me too sweaty to want to take it for any length of time to lose weight. Now it is illegal I think, but I'm sure I still have 300 pills somewhere...

In Conclusion Nothing ever worked except this time I was really diligent about getting exercise. I should get into that again! I hear it's good for your brain. I cannot say the same for dieting.