Jezebel
Confession: writing cover lines is tough. This month there was plenty to love in Marie Claire, but like all magazines, it's what's on the outside that counts. How do you summarize a story about Russian sex classes wherein women hump stuffed animals in hopes of achieving the ability to shoot "fountains of water" from their vaginas? (Besides using the word "awesome" of course.) And it's hard to do justice to the pointlessness of "Could You Pull Off Runway Makeup," wherein an "intrepid beauty reporter" — and I think we can all agree that magazine editors who try overpriced beauty regimens for stories are always sooo "intrepid" — gets her face did by professional makeup artists! But you know, we did our best. After the jump, editorial assistant Maria and I rewrite the cover lines to reflect what's really inside.
Comments
The ads for the True Match or whatever makeup she pitches make me laugh, because she says, "This shade is mine. Get your own."
And I know it's supposed to be cutesy- "Get your own, girls!" But coming from Alba, it just reads like the bitchiest copy of all time.
Jessica Alba is more than a pretty face.
She's also Latino.
Alright so I'm going to V to the 10th down in New Orleans and apparently this douchenozzle is going to be there. JESSICA ALBA IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.
Is anyone in "Baby Panic" mode really reading Marie Fucking Claire?
Just looking at Jessica Alba I can see the two flies knocking into each other inside her head.
@braak: doooooooooont
Totally OT, but whoever mentioned Fiona Apple and Elvis Costello's version of 'I Want You' deserves a hug. I downloaded it and have listened to it approximately 5,000 times since Feb. 14.
On topic: My New Year's Resolution of 2006 was to stop buying women's magazine. Best resolution ever.
@meaghan2k: Seriously. Ground Control to Major Bitch. That's all I get when I see her.
Considering how Jessica Alba's face isn't pretty, I don't think any mottos have been violated here.
Ooh ooh, I wanna look like a beat-up kabuki go-go dancer, preferably the morning after please. Since I barely wear makeup to work, I think this would really enliven staff meetings.
Cunty McBitchface rides again...
@braak: Dude! You better hope she didn't hear you say that....
i'm going to need a visual on the "puke-colored boho sandals."
also, go away jessica alba.
Have the photos of Jessica Alba doing Hitchcock poses in Latina Magazine shown up here yet? Because they are HILARIOUS.
Can I also ask what the hell Alba is wearing there? In a full length shot, she must look like a parade float. "Poofy" doesn't even come close.
@braak: Oy, I know, enough, we get it, she's Latina. Move on please.
You guys have to do this month's Elle (did you already?) I had it on the airplane yesterday and noticed they use the phrase "How To" in 4 of their 6 headlines. It made me feel batty.
Also, I am so mad at Marie Claire because they had that amazing reassignment of EIC story where the woman jumped into someone's cab and was like "I will transform Marie Claire into the next Jane magazine and it will be so hip and blah blah blah!" and they had one semi-readable issue with Maggie Gyllenhaal on the cover and then immediately reverted back into complete in-cohesive nonsense about mascara application and the "world fashions" of skinny people.
@Trashtastic: oh, now she wants fucking brown babies. what a fucking piece of shit. get out of my face.
I love this feature. I read the Cosmo one to my bf the other day and it made him LOL.
Way to master the snooty vacant look, Miss Latina. You fukin' rawk! pfft.
@meaghan2k: ok "douchenozzle" is so hilarious and right on. i will so be using this term very soon.
@Furious George: Are you kidding? I mean yeah, hate her if that makes you happy but if that face ain't pretty then there's no such thing as a pretty girl. And BAngieB will set you straight on that score.
Confession: I like Marie-Claire's double-dog dare bits on wearing runway make-up to work or red carpet dresses to clubs. At least they're somewhat novel, a ray of light in a sea of diet and blow job how-tos.
@tellmeagain: link please!
@tellmeagain: LOVED THEM! CDAN did a side by side comparison with the original photos.
[www.crazydaysandnights.net]
Does anyone know who this chick blew in Hollywood to get her career? She must be amazing.....
@hortense: I laugh every time I see that commercial. It's so ridiculous.
The Alba article was going along pretty well... she's talking womanhood and self-esteem with these young, underprivileged youths... and then BAM: she gives them a gift bag full o' make-up, Juicy Couture and Coach. Because a mentoring relationship would be nothing without luxury items, I guess.
@braak: Can you stop saying that about her? It's a sensitive area for her.
@Skinny Bone Jones: like a vagina!
@braak: I know, right? And this matters how? This is only done so someone can congratulate someone else on providing role models for Latina girls. And it's a total crock of shit.
I didn't have much of an opinion about Alba until I saw those recent photos for Tatler magazine.
The girl from Socialite's Life READ MY MIND!
I'm loving the concept and the art direction, there's just something about Jessica's portrayal of terror that isn't quite nailing it. I feel like it's a challenge on "America's Next Top Model" that has me feeling like I'm sitting on panel wishing she'd stop being "pretty girl scared" and just really go for it.
@SouthernComfort: The Rosemary's baby one is hilarious! And so wrong...
I couldn't even tell you what Jessica's first movie was. The ONLY movie I've ever seen her in is Sin City. That, I'll say, was a good movie. Damn...
I am fearful of her raising a baby. What with her lack of brain cells/cuntitude + her boyfriend's serious douche factor that child is going to be a helpless victim the moment it emerges from the womb.
This magazine is sitting at home on my coffee table and I cannot bring myself to open it because of Alba's face on the cover. But now I kind of want to read about "Russian sex classes wherein women hump stuffed animals in hopes of achieving the ability to shoot "fountains of water" from their vaginas." What kind of stuffed animals? I need to know.
@Sukie in the Graveyard: Don't forget her Oscar worthy performance in "Never Been Kissed". She played against type as a stuck-up and dumb mean girl.
@SouthernComfort: Oops, didn't see your comment. Love that!
She blew her way to the middle.
Printing the words, "Meet the Smartest Woman in America" on the cover when Alba is on the cover is just reckless and irresponsible journalism.
It took me like 5 tries to get " do svidanya," and I don't even speak Russian.
@Archetype: Ha! She would totally lose a ANTM challenge!
@Cookie Guggleman: Seriously though, if I went to Hollywood as a teen and tried to do that I would have blown my way to maybe head hostess at Sizzler. I mean there has to be a million girls out there with there mouths open. Takes true talent to make baby!
Most. Boring. Magazine. Ever.
@Pinkosaurus: way to make fun of her preggo fat!
I am still unclear as to why Jessica Alba is famous?
Is the phrase "Latina girls" redundant?
@SouthernComfort: *it
This girl lost me when she lamented on how there was nothing to do but hang at Wal-Mart and eat at Chili's in my hometown. Yeah, the Latino majority was sensitive to that indeed.
Every time I see her I just want to know why she's more famous than Eliza Dushku...because Dark Angel was on right around the time Faith was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Marie Claire: WE'RE more than just a pretty face. YOU just aren't pretty enough.
This woman has a regular face with a foul attitude an