Confession: writing cover lines is tough. This month there was plenty to love in Marie Claire, but like all magazines, it's what's on the outside that counts. How do you summarize a story about Russian sex classes wherein women hump stuffed animals in hopes of achieving the ability to shoot "fountains of water" from their vaginas? (Besides using the word "awesome" of course.) And it's hard to do justice to the pointlessness of "Could You Pull Off Runway Makeup," wherein an "intrepid beauty reporter" — and I think we can all agree that magazine editors who try overpriced beauty regimens for stories are always sooo "intrepid" — gets her face did by professional makeup artists! But you know, we did our best. After the jump, editorial assistant Maria and I rewrite the cover lines to reflect what's really inside.