Jezebel
Another Wednesday, another Midweek Madness! This week, Angelina and J. Lo share one cover, while Suri Cruise gets her own. The rest are dominated by the Spears clan: Britney, Jamie Lynn, Sean and Jayden. Our own amazing Intern Sharon helps us play the tabloid board game, where you win by finding good gossip. How do OK, Life & Style, Star, In Touch and Us score? Find out, after the jump.
Us
"The Littlest Victims." When Britney taught a dance class recently, the kids thought she was nice and would make a great mom. Meanwhile, K-Fed won't let her talk to her sons. Some random doctor says the situation is detrimental to the kids because they're gonna think that their mother is dead. But Brit is motivated to get her kids back now because she's surrounded by the love and support of her parents. She's cooking, cleaning and Adnan is allowed to visit. Also: A source says she may be ready to admit to the judge that she has a mental health problem. Also inside: Sources think Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson may get married. Lastly, news from The Hills: Lo will live with Lauren and Audrina; Jason Wahler is banned from his fiancée's apartment building because he called one of the security guys the N-word. Ass.
Grade: D- (Checkers)
In Touch
"Secret Double Life." Jamie Lynn: Not that innocent! Four guys could be the father of her child: Casey, some unnamed Nickelodeon exec, a friend of Lil' Romeo's, or Lil Romeo. Casey apparently cheated on her, so she turned to some other dude; now he's scared he might be the daddy. Drama! Also inside: Lindsay spent $315,000 on rehab, but she's still partying! She's been sneaking sips of wine under the table and went to a party at the Beverly Hills Hotel where "people were smoking pot and doing coke all night." While on tour, Posh was slim at 98 lbs., but lost even more and would slump on the bed due to exhaustion after shows. Also: Vanessa Minnillo has a job! She's going to start filming a movie called Redefining Love, yawn; Johnny Depp will narrate the journals of a paralyzed brain-injured 22-year-old on an episode of This American Life. And Colin Farrell, reformed? "I'd rather be home with my boy than out on the town," he says. His son, James, has Angleman Syndrome. Plus: Can Britney's hair be saved? She's got like 5 inches of her own tresses now. While promoting her stoopid film, Eva Longoria wore 8 outfits in one day. Lastly: "The List" this week is "Hollywood's Most Stylish Kids." Included: Lourdes Ciccone, Brooklyn Beckham, Ming and Aoki Lee Simmons; Kingston Rossdale is number one.
Grade: D (Sorry)
OK!
"Finally Her Mom & Dad Lock Her Up!" Britney's parents have prevented her from drinking alcohol, seeing Alli Sims and Sam Lutfi, and Brit must pray in her pajamas before going to bed every night at 11 p.m. Her dad Jamie picks out her clothes and brushes her hair. Brit tried to text Alli to meet her at Fred Segal but Jamie nixed that: "Few people know it, but it was Alli who introduced Sam into Britney's life," says a source. Also inside: When the Spice Girls were in New York, while the other ladies were "huggy and lovey" with each other, Posh was in her own world. Nicole Richie's post-pregnancy slim-down secret? Spanx, sometimes two at a time. Stars heart pricey hairdos: Jenny McCarthy spent $800 on highlights; Christina Ricci's cut cost $950; Eva Longoria paid $4,500 for styling by Ken Paves. There's six pages about how looking good is the best revenge so Jennifer Aniston is getting gorge for the benefit she's co-hosting with Brad and Angelina. Also: Jen's recent red carpet look cost about $2,685 while Angelina's was $31. Matthew McConaughey is getting pressure to pop the question from his baby mama, her mama and his mama. Ack! There's a two-page photo spread of all the ways Michelle Obama is the new Jackie O. Pearls! Preppy dresses! Hair flip! (Wonder where they got that idea??) Lastly: Celeb shoe sizes: Mary-Kate is a 5, Jessica Alba is an 8, Kate Winslet is a 10, Tyra wears 11. [Me too! Ugh. -Ed.]
Grade: C (Battleship)
Life & Style
"Baby Crisis: Kidnap Threats/Angelina Collapses." Apparently at North Shore Hospital on Long Island, where J. Lo will be/is giving birth, all newborn babies are given tracking devices "that work exactly like a car LoJack." Kidnappers will be foiled! Meanwhile, on a flight from London to L.A., Angelina had swollen feet, a nosebleed and leg cramps before fainting in her seat. A random doc says she must have low blood pressure. A source says Angie refuses to let fatigue dictate her schedule. "She reminds herself that there are pregnant women who work in the fields for 10 hours a day, and then she feels guilty for even thinking about complaining." Also inside: Britney is acting normal now because her meds have kicked in. She's taking Risperdal, an anti-psychotic; Correctol, to combat the constipation from Risperdal; Rozarem, a sleep aid; and Seroquel, another anti-psychotic. Brit's one-year-old son Jayden "is always crying" and everyone thinks it's because of the instability in his life, but it could also be because he is A BABY. As for Jamie Lynn Spears, her mom forbade her to be seen in public with baby-daddy Casey Aldridge, but JLS did it anyway! And was drinking a Sonic milkshake! Plus: Justin Timberlake and Kate Hudson were seen having lunch at Whole Foods in NYC's Union Square, scandal! Lindsay Lohan's recording a new song called "I Miss You." (Is it about drugs and alcohol? Kidding!) There are two pages of Hollywood Cradlerobbers: Milo Ventimiglia, 30, is with Hayden Panettiere, 18; Brian Austin Green, 33, is boyfriend to Megan Fox, 21; Elle Macpherson, 44 is dating Vito Schabel, 21. Lastly, it seems that Lindsay Price and Brooke Hogan have had nose jobs.*
Grade: C+ (Trouble)
Star
"Suri's Strange World!" Little Suri is being raised using 100% church methods, meaning lots of vitamins, never telling her no, and keeping her surrounded by fellow believers. Scientologists believe that babies are Thetans, who have lived for millions of years and already know everything. Tom and Katie don't raise their voices in front of her for fear that it will "break her spirit." Suri drinks barley juice, never watches TV, never has sugar and eats only organic, natural foods prepared by a chef. Her nannies are Scientologists too. Moving on! Ashton Kutcher told Rumer, Scout and Tallulah he'd be disappointed in them if he found out that they had fake IDs. Tobey Maguire is such a die-hard vegan he'll make make you leave your leather at the door. Spencer Pratt wants calf implants: He works out daily but can't bulk up his skinny legs, poor thing. Halle Berry makes everyone involved in her childbirth process (her baby daddy, mom and doctor) to carry a walkie-talkie. Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves didn't want to know the sex of their unborn child but the ultrasound technician accidentally spilled that the lil' bugger is a he. It's a boy! Matt often runs out to get Camilla's fave craving: Coconut cupcakes. While Jamie Lynn Spears was on the phone with her mom in L.A., she screamed, "I'm not pregnant!" Lynne Spears came home to find JLS wrapping Ace bandages around her belly to hide the bump. She's still partying and eating junk food, and when one friend said her new curves look good, JLS snapped, "Shut up." She also told another friend "I hate my body." Brit's dad Jamie doesn't think she is mentally ill, he just thinks she's been doing drugs. He also thinks all shrinks are quacks. Lastly: Will Brad and Angie have a $200 million prenup?
Grade: C+ (Clue)
*As seen here.
Comments
If that Angelina bit is true, I give her props for at least trying to find some perspective.
I'm just happy that Brit Brit is starting to get a little more normal. And, Scientologists are crazy whack. That's all.
Kids can survive without TV and junk food. Really, they can. It's sad that that is considered a big deal.
I love my life.
Of course "Posh is in her own world". HER BRAIN IS EATING ITSELF.
Awww, I didn't know Colin Ferrel's son had Angelman Syndrome. :(
Also, coconut cupcakes: yum. Barley juice: barf.
Honestly, Elle McPherson wins grossest of the gross award. She can't find anyone else? 21? 21???? EW EW EW
also, that photo montage at the end is fucking priceless. is that that hogan chick? I cant wait to be refined like her! (also, i thought it was about bronzer at first)
Seems like Angie is always collapsing somewhere. Like she's made of rubber, and boneless.
@LoveNoelG: but never being told "no"? that's just bad news bears all around. bad parenting. kids need boundaries.
the kids thought she was nice and would make a great mom.
They also each think they will marry a prince, have seven kids, live in a brownie palace, and be lawyer/veterinarians when not trying on frilly dresses.
Has to 'pray in her pajamas' every night?
Hahaha good ol' evangelical Christianity would send me straight to drugs, too.
The biggest scandal here is giving Battleship a C! Come on!!
Now THIS is the kind of stuff I've been waiting for since my disappointing dirt bag this morning. I'm very scared about the whole Jamie Lynne thing.... it is hard to be a teen mom but.... denial?
Word is that Brangelina are not pregnant, just trying very, very, very hard to give that impression.
Is it possible? A douche bag bigger than Spencer Pratt? See also: Jason Wahler
@TruculentandUnreliable: Someday she's going to discover sugar, and it will allllll be over. My brother and sister-in-law used to feed my little nephew only organic, no-sugar food, and then one day someone slipped him a french fry.
Guess who'll no longer eat a meal without french fries?
@JessicaLovejoy: I literally cried when I read a story last week and the little girl who was in the class said when she got home from Brittney's class she laid down on her bed and cried she was so happy.
I don't think Lindsay Price has had a nosejob. It's just weird photos. Brook Hogan, however, looks like a digital mashup of Farrah Fawcett and LeeAnn Rimes.
Those new noses suck and I really didn't need to know that Britney is constipated. thanks though!
@kataroo_kangaroo: Well, shit yeah. They are totally misguided in a lot of ways.
But to act like no TV or crappy foods is a big deal shows how misguided the whole country is.
As a word on the kiddos-
I don't think the Scientology methods sounds that wacked out-She isn't even two-Is it that weird that she doesn't watch TV or eat sugar? Sounds like most of the Park Slope Parents to me...
Also, why is Shiloh only just starting walking?
I am unreasonably excited about Lo moving into The Hills house. I cannot wait for that show to return.
Relatedly, there is nothing funnier than watching your newly moved-in boyfriend watch in horror as you update the TiVo to record ANTM, Oprah and The Hills. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.
One more thing...remember the guy on True Life who got calf implants? He was a Pratt level douche and SO Jersey.
Poor Suri. No Happy Meals. I guess they chain her to a ring in the floor too, eh?
The kids do not think Brit Brit is dead. What about kids with parents in the military? There have been longer seperation, and as long as K-Fed doesn't bash their mom to them - they will be fine.
Man, those two girls got two BAD nose jobs.
Both those nose jobs look like crap. Brooke Hogan's is particularly Michael Jackson-ish.
@BiscuitDoughJones: with a bit of the drag queen bartender in Shrek.
Maybe if Juno had showed more abortion consideration, Ol' Jamie Lynn wouldn't be in that terrible predicament...
@LoveNoelG: I know. I mean, Tom and Katie are weird, weird, weird, but I don't think I'd want my kids watching TV or eating junk food either. Then again, I don't really watch much tv or eat any junk food, so I think it's normal.
All the other crap they do is totally bizarre, though.
I kind of can't the believe the rags are already tearing into Nicole and the baby weight. Becuase she looked so "unhealthy" Pffft! Anyone else see Janice Minn on TODAY. Hearing her talk about celeb babies made me feel like such an ass for cooing about Shiloh&Co.
@katastic: french fries are sugar free!
@BeAgrestic: "the" is a typo. I need a nap!
Ashton would be disappointed in them if he found out that they had fake IDs. Because he will happily buy them all the alcohol they want. Dude where's my hard liquor?
@BeAgrestic: I missed it. What did she say?
@katastic: I know. It's called teaching your kid moderation, not insanity.
@Rhody: I remember him! That guy made sad though, Spencer is just a moron.
@katastic: It'll be the best when that poor kid discovers "dippin." My kid is a dipper now. French fry, into ketchup, suck off ketchup. Repeat.
This is coming from the mother of a toddler who had been raised with homemade baby food, Kashi oatmeal/waffles, multigrain pasta, etc. etc. We still eat it, but it's unrealistic to completely forbid the occasional treat from a child's diet. Everything in moderation, or the things you forbid will become obsessions and you end up with a kid like me who snuck out after school to procure contraband candy.
And the whole "no" thing? Depends on the context. Kids need boundaries, but not necessarily an overabundance of the word "no." I read some goofy article about using the phrase, "let's do...." instead of "no." So, the kid learns boundaries but they don't feel oppressed.
Whatever, I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. As long as he doesn't turn into an axe murderer, I guess I'm doing ok.
@katastic: Note to the Spears camp: y'all might want to be careful about putting strict rules on Britney in fragile state. I hear Lizzie Borden's only wanted her to be in bed by midnight.
Lindsay Price, although I have no idea who you are, your real nose was SO much better. Oy.
Can you imagine what worst-mother-of-the-year candidate Lynn Spears will say if Jamie Lynn's kid comes out black? So much for it being Casey's love child.
I thought Thetans were what Scientologists wanted to get rid of? Or are those tribbles?
One, Brooke Hogan is DEFINITELY from the 80's in that picture.
Two, I totally just realized that Jamie-Lynn was given both of her parents' first names. Bless her heart, no wonder she's pregnant at 16.
@LoveNoelG: I was allergic to the world for years, so I was on a strict strict strict organic healthy diet growing up. My dad was the first one to crack and ended it with a big old jar of JIF peanut butter. Glorious.
Still, I get so mad at my work parents when they let their 8 year old eat sugar and food dye and crap after school then wonder why he can't focus to do his homework...
@Muffyn: it's not what she said that pissed me off, it's the whole practice of stalking celeb babies. The business end of it is interesting, but it seems shameless to take pap pics of an infant.
Except for Keri and River. nom nom nom
@WhateverCraig: I was just amused that they believe kids already know everything. My son ate a fistful of Greek seasoning this morning. Some days I'm not sure he knows anything.