Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week was pretty slow, but there was some smack-talk about Britney's nethers, unwaxed pubic areas, Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Marisa Miller and big feet. Plus! A nearly incomprehensible message about Alyssa Milano. The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!
The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Mocking Britney's nethers. The Evidence: "Britney Spears flashed her nasty ass crotch the same day she was released from UCLA Medical Center." Points For Good Behavior: None. Just cuz everybody does it doesn't make it right. She's touched, OK? And at least she was wearing underwear! The Sentence: "Unmentionables" detail in a women's prison laundry center.
The Accused: Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking a woman's big feet.
The Evidence: "Today's mystery celebrity boasts a size 11 1/2 shoe. And boy, what a shoe. It's the kind of shoe that ought to be flung from the foot of a post-op tranny in a fringed satin mini-dress and rhinestone eyelashes doing a high kick as he belts out the chorus to 'I Will Survive.' But mostly, it should be on the foot of someone born with balls." Points For Good Behavior: Yeah, it was Paris Hilton, but a woman should not be judged by her massive hooves. We try not to assume that men with small feet have small dicks, so lay off. And some people like a chick with giant clodhoppers. Anyway. The Sentence: Being roundhouse-kicked in the face by Paris and some big-footed babes for about six hours.
The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way. The Crime: Making fun of a woman's pubic hair. The Evidence: "'Scandal' must translate into something different in Mandarin, because the only thing that's shocking to me is the horror that's going on in between this chick's legs. She's 27, so if my calculations are right, they stopped selling razors or wax in China sometime around 1997. Either that or she's giving birth to a Panda. And although that might be good news to the Panda population in the area, I'm struggling to understand how they expect me to masturbate to this." Points for Good Behavior: None. The Sentence: This person should be force-fed a heaping bowl of pubes.
The Accused: That dude from WWTDD? who has a crush on Brad Pitt or something. The Crime: Is thinking like a 15 year old illegal? The Evidence: "And according to my calculations, Marisa Millers [sic] vagina smells like strawberries. My research prompted some drawings I made that back this up. Also they show that her vagina is serviced every day by cartoon bluebirds and there's a rainbow and a smiling sun looking down and giving a thumbs up, as if to say, 'lookin' good Marisa!'" Points For Good Behavior: Well, it is supposed to be a compliment. The Sentence: The problem here is that this guy equates thinness and beauty with food and Disney brainwashing. He needs to be sent to his room and forced to read Our Bodies, Ourselves. And grow up.
The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Confusing the hell out of us, calling Alyssa Milano hirsute. The Evidence: "Alyssa is saving marriages everywhere, allowing us to be selfish bastards but making our significant others think we're considerate - and she looks pretty f%#king hot while doing it. She's the kind of girl who understand guys, maybe it's cuz she's as hairy as one." Um, what? Points For Good Behavior: None. The Sentence: Getting your ass kicked by Tony Danza, while he repeatedly shouts, "Who's the boss??"