'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds

I do not have children. I do not have nieces, nephews or little cousins. I only see kids when they cut in front of me at McDonald's. And yet, for some reason, I received a copy of The Wooden Soldier, a catalog the likes of which I have never known. Have you ever seen perfect, blond families in which the daughters are dressed like the mother, the sons are dressed like the father and everyone is dressed in the same colors and patterns? These people, apparently, are the niche market for The Wooden Soldier. Sailor suits, frothy pink dresses and Victorian boots, after the jump.

'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic DudsS

Pink is for girls, blue is for boys, and tiny embroidered bunnies are for everyone.

'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic DudsS

Little Emily and Little Emerson simply cawn't attend the regatta without proper attire.

'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic DudsS

The ivory and dusty rose dress is $178-$198; the Victorian boots are $108-$132; the natural linen suits are $68-$194. None of this appears to be a joke.

'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic DudsS

It goes on like this for about 47 pages. I don't even know how they got my address.

'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic DudsS

One-shouldered? Really? Seems positively smutty among all the lace, petticoats and crisp white gowns.

'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic DudsS

This is their idea of "casual." I spent my summers in an unraveling Wonder Woman bathing suit and rollerskates, how about you?