*Inspired by Shirley MacLaine's assertion that the best parts for actresses fall into one of the above categories.
Guess what, kids? The writers' strike is almost really and truly over! Now you can look forward to more of the same romantic comedy tripe they've been feeding us. I hear How To Lose 27 Dresses In 10 Days In Paris just signed Debra Messing to star! But seriously, since screenwriters are actually writing for a living again, there's a slew of casting news about Hollywood women and there's gonna be a lot of hookers strutting the silver screen in the coming months. Oscar winner Marisa Tomei is slated to play an '80s-era stripper in the Wrestler (fingers crossed for an homage to Flashdance!), Gina Gershon plays a resident hooker at a Nevada brothel owned by Helen Mirren in Love Ranch, and Penelope Cruz stars in an adaptation of a Philip Roth novel, The Dying Animal, called Elegy. Check out the rest of the Hollywood shuffle, with some victims and doormats thrown in for good measure, after the jump.
- Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler: Tomei plays the stripper-girlfriend of a washed-up wrestler played by Mickey Rourke in this drama set in the 1980s. Stripper? Not the same as a hooker for sure, but close enough for our purposes. Also, something tells me that living with a pro-wrestler might lead to some domestic abuse. Just guessing! Verdict: Hooker, with possible undertones of victim.
- Gina Gershon, Love Ranch: Oh, my, GOD this is a must see! Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci are the husband and wife owners of a Nevada brothel (wait, it gets better). They fall into a love triangle with a South American boxer, and according to the Hollywood Reporter, a state senator also becomes entangled in their "sordid affairs." Gershon plays one of the hookers in the love ranch stable. Though I'm dying to see it, the Verdict is still: Hooker.
- Renee Zellweger, My One And Only: In this biopic of actor George Hamilton's life, Zellweger plays his mother, a fancy dame named Anne Deveraux, who is on an East Coast quest to find a rich husband. Verdict: looking for a man to bankroll your lifestyle? That's Hooker behavior through and through.
- Penelope Cruz, Elegy: Cruz plays the student to Ben Kingsley's horny old English professor. Reuters describes Kingsley's character as "charismatic and selfish," and for gods sakes, this movie is based on a Philip Roth novel! Verdict: Victim. Exploiting the power dynamic between professor and student is one of the oldest and grossest tricks in the book.
- Emma Thompson , An Education: Thompson plays the headmistress of a school in this story of a 17-year-old girl who starts dating a 35-year-old sports car driving playboy (Peter Sarsgaard). Thompson's character gets pissed because the girl is putting her chances of admission to Oxford in jeopardy by focusing on her new beau. Verdict: Thompson is OK! 35-year-old dating a teenager? Majorly sketchy.
- Michelle Pfeiffer,Cheri: Pfeiffer is in talks to play the title role in this adaptation of a Collette novel by the same name. She plays a woman who dates the wealthy son of one of her friends. According to Variety, " When he is forced to give up the six-year relationship after marrying someone else, the young man can't forget her and retreats into a fantasy world." Verdict: a woman so alluring that she causes her young honey to go nuts? This broad sounds OK!
- Kristen Bell, When In Rome: Kristen plays a "love-starved" New York City curator who steals magical coins from a fountain in Rome. The magical pocket change causes dudes to aggressively court her like they never have before. Not only does this sound like a blatant rip-off of Love Potion Number 9, but Bell's "love-starved" character sounds like your run-of-the mill romantic comedy heroine Doormat.
Tomei Joins Aronofsky's 'Wrestler' [Variety]
'Ranch' Wrangles Three [Hollywood Reporter]
Zellweger To Star In 'One And Only' [Variety]
Cruz, Kingsley Play Lovers In New Film "Elegy" [Reuters]
'Education' Gets Four Stars [Hollywood Reporter]
Miramax, Pathe Work Out 'Cheri' [Variety]
Bell In 'Rome' At Disney [Hollywood Reporter]