Jezebel
Why It's OK To Settle For Mr. Good Enough. Sounds like the sorta assertion that might get the readers talking/chatting/generating the old ad revenue, eh? Well that's a story in the latest issue of the Atlantic Monthly by a single mom (Lori Gottlieb, pictured) who dares to advance the iconoclastic argument that Rachel would have been better if she'd just married the orthodontist. I'm not kidding! She ACTUALLY POSES THE QUESTION: "Do we feel confident that she'll be happier with Ross than she would have been had she settled down with Barry, the orthodontist, 10 years earlier? She and Ross have passion but have never had long-term stability, and the fireworks she experiences with him but not with Barry might actually turn out to be a liability, given how many times their relationship has already gone up in flames." Oh, and forget searching for Mr. Big; as Gottleib points out, "Some time after the breakup, when Carrie ran into Aidan on the street, he was carrying his infant in a Baby Björn. Can anyone imagine Mr. Big walking around with a Björn?)
Okay, so far be it from us to dispute a self-help manifesto constructed on the basis of possible alternate conclusions to popular television series, but what's author Lori Gottlieb smoking? Well, she had a kid with an anonymous sperm donor and is 40 and really fucking lonely. Her looks have faded and the men she broke up with in her thirties because they were short/boring/rude to waiters/physically unattractive are looking real good around now. It's sort of refreshing how honest she is, even though hers are thoughts any 28-year-old has already probably had in advance. But then you hit a sentiment like this:
After all, wouldn't it have been wiser to settle for a higher caliber of "not Mr. Right" while my marital value was at its peak?And think, wait a minute, something's not right with his lady.
At which point you google her, learn that she not only wrote a memoir about how she's a recovering anorexic but now has an author bio page on her website on which all the photos of herself feature her in super "skinny" poses.
See? She's ana. A perfectionist, a number-cruncher, a quantitatively-minded overachiever obsessed with stats. Of course she never managed to find someone to "settle" on before! She's incapable of settling! It's like giving up. Like eating carbs.
Anyway, apologies to Lori, but it was kind of a relief to learn that, at the very least, her problems are different from mine, and probably yours, too. Now leave the office and go get drunkenly knocked up by some stranger before you end up like her!
Marry Him [Atlantic Monthly]
Comments
Sorry, I don't take advice from people who reference TV SHOWS as case studies. Jesus.
Ew.
40 year old mothers who think they're hip with the youngins by watching sex and the city and friends? oh honey. you need a babysitter and a good bar.
Barry wasn't even that cute. But I don't think thats really the point.
MOE! YOU AND I ARE FIGHTING! I JUST WENT AND READ THAT ARTICLE AND NOW I AM SANS G&T AND FEELING VERY, VERY STABBY. NOT GOOD FOR A FRIDAY NIGHT! And I don't want to settle. This woman is a see you next tuesday, and it's just a case of the grass is greener on the other side. UGH!!! STAB STAB STAB!!!
@Archetype: Indeed. I... really don't care who Rachel ended up with. Mostly because she was fictional.
I am seriously attracted to that milkshake.
My God! I'm 25! Let me break out Excel and start working out some formulas to determine exactly how close to my "marital peak" I am!
How do I access my marital value? Is there a barcode somewhere I'm missing?
Is she eating ice cream with celery in that picture?
@westvillagegirl: I think it's in your cervix?
@Archetype: I'm surprised she didn't try to bring Seinfeld into it somehow.
@NefariousNewt: That photo makes me think "I drink your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP!!!!"
@westvillagegirl: Usually found on the small of the back or the nape of the neck, depending on when you were born.
i feel a little sorry for this chick. she's so miserable she'd rather settle for some blah dude and have his stupid babies than be alone.
@distractedbyshinyobjects: I so want to see that movie.
@westvillagegirl: I think someone over on Gawker needs to make a chat about it. Or a Jezebel intern. Please? Some one make a chart about it? I'll try tomorrow!
@olivia2.0: ummm, that should have been "chart" in both places there. Dur. I told you, I have no G&T and I am MAD ABOUT IT!!!
i feel it necessary to invoke Valley Girl: gag me with a spoon.
and shame on the atlantic monthly for trying to boost their sales by featuring such a backwards, anti-feminist story. i feel sorry for this writer who projects her life onto rachel and carrie. yikes!
I simply just don't care. I don't. I've long refused to build my identity solely around job, marital status, income bracket, or anything like that.
i feel like the opposite of this lady.
@RodetheTrolleywithStanwyck: it's much more gratifying to base my identity on say, how many beers i can chug a night.
ugh, i hate rexies with fake posed food they're not eating.
@AAES: Yes. Though I'm all about the root beer today.
@Archetype: indeed.
i think my barcode is in my tits. when they start to sag, you know you've hit your peak!
God, isn't there something between "just OK" and a soulmate? She makes it sound like anything other than a man so perfect that his existence would cause a tear in the universe is somehow a letdown. When human beings are involved, that's just impossible. And I strongly suspect that her Mr. Right married someone who likes to eat a meal every few hours. That probably never occurred to her.
Nobody hate on me, please, for this opposing view, but I think there is something to the idea that every man and every relationship has his/its good and bad points, and if your goal is to have babies, then "settling" for a decent man--someone who perhaps falls short of your Mr. Perfect ideals, but someone who cares for you and will be a good father and a good companion and is actually there in front of you and not just a conceptual man who may never materialize...well, I don't entirely disagree. But this specifically applies to women for whom motherhood is a non-negotiable goal.
Okay, granted her message is a bit pathetic. Most women do not look upon themselves as property that needs to be snatched up in its prime. Nevertheless, you can't completely discount that this is how she feels and there are other women who also do so.
My best friend is contemplating moving across the country to be with a guy she has been dating for like 8 weeks because she is "tired of watching them slip away", and yeah, she just had a major "milestone" birthday and has been in rare form.
I am single and (kind of) far from 40, and do not feel the pull of desperation that would lead me to believe that settling is some type of virtue, but is there no room to understand those who have walked a different path and have come to the decision that for them, settling is a necessity?
@titania1285: honey, those shows were written for people who are now in their 40s.
Signifigant Others was one of the funniest fucking shows ever.
This is just silly. Life isn't scripted, and I think this woman operates under the belief that it is.
I can't get over how pathetic and stupid this advice is. The astronomical divorce rate and even more astronomical divorce rates for 2nd marriages indicate that people are just as likely to end up dissatisfied in their marriages as single people are without them. Have we learned nothing from the endless parade of relationship experts on Oprah telling us we have to get happy with ourselves before we can even think about adding a man to the equation?
@ihateyourescalade: You know what, though, even if babies aren't your goal, there's something to this, though I think she said it in as obnoxious and condescending a way as possible. I know that I didn't get everything I thought I wanted. But I now also know--eleven years into the relationship--that what I wanted when I was 23 was really pretty stupid and unrealistic, and that what I got is fucking awesome compared to what some people I know got when they turned 33 and got desperate. My issue is that neither this woman nor the ones I know who married tools out of desperation gave what they wanted a second thought, and sometimes when you're an adult, you have to. Because there's someone else involved--and possibly more than one someone else--who wants things too, and if you both are always thinking about what you want and what you aren't getting, of course it's going to suck.
I am older than dirt, and I would like to say to all of you wonderful young women, and single women of all ages, do not do this. I did. And I regret it every day of my life.
here's the problem i have with her argument for settling. i don't want anyone to settle for me. i don't want to marry some guy who thinks i'm good enough. i want to be with a guy who thinks i'm great or else i'm just going to keep being by myself.
i can't relate. at all. i'm the right age, and also a single mom, but settling for some man just to have a husband? does not compute. i can hire someone to take out the garbage--and clean my messy house while they're at it--then they can go home and i can live my life.
i actually have a friend who tries to tell me things like this all the time, but unless i really like someone (A LOT) i would much rather be alone, or hanging out with my son, or with friends. i'm not much of a people person though, and i have bad nerves, so i don't want to spend much time with anyone unless i really like them--or i'm getting paid for it (some of my clients can get annoying).
disclaimer: i don't regret breaking up with any of the guys i've dated, and i admit that i don't know what i could be missing.
@AAES: I don't feel sorry for this chick. I feel sorry for her kid.
@TheFormerJuneBronson: Word. And very well put.
@ivanabtaken:definatly. marrying someone who makes is clear they settled by choosing you makes you a fool for marrying someone who doesn't see what a great person you are. they just compair you constantly. i don't wish that on anyone, man or woman.
"my marital value was at it's peak" - Um... is this the 18th century or something? I didn't realise I had a sell-by date (I didn't even realise that we still assess women's value on how "marriable" they are).
Because of course, my only life goal is to get married and if I don't find the right person, I'd obviously rather settle for someone I don't really love because I don't love myself enough to be on my own.
I sort of hate this Lori Gottlieb woman. She mentions the divorce rate in passing, but homegirl, check it: why do you think the divorce rate is so high? Could it possibly be because way too many people settle for the wrong person and realize too late it was a huge mistake?
@ihateyourescalade:
This is my marriage, and it ain't working. After 15 years, all the little things I thought I could overlook now drive me insane. I even hate the way he COUGHS. And I am pretty sure he feels the same way about me.
I'm 40, childless by choice, "dating around," and I can't imagine anything sadder than being bored out of my mind because I "settled," but then I guess I can afford to have standards, because I've not been driven insane by a biological imperative.
This poor woman is lonely and full of misty regrets, so she's advising younger woman to get baby-making with Mr. "Eh. He'll Do." Don't do it!!!
What happens to this family when Mr. Eh starts sleeping with his secretary because she seems to like him more than his wife does? Or Mrs. Eh meets someone with whom she's truly compatible?
There's a huge difference between seeing someone for who he really is and loving him anyway, and desperately latching onto "a good provider" and hoping he stays at the office a lot.
As one might conclude from the length of this comment, this piece made me furious.
is she wearing that hideous pink thing that lucy liu was wearing to fashion week that looks like paper plates?
SHE WILL DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE ELI!
Um..."Barry" cheated on "Rachel" with her best friend during the engagement. I do remember that much from Friends, and I'm fairly sure that wouldn't have made for a good relationship.
There's a happy medium there, between being overly concerned with the one perfect (unreachable) ideal, and just grabbing a man because he's available and fits into the plan.