Pregnant Women Are "Fat Bitches" With "More Chins Than A Chinese Phone Book"

Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, the misogynists are on about stretched-out vadges, pregnancy neck and 15-year-old bungholes. Not cool, people. Plus: A special racist post! The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!

The Charge: Calling a pregnant woman a "fat bitch."
The Accused: The dude behind What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Evidence: "Jennifer Lopez and her sexy husband went to some UNICEF charity thing sponsored by Madonna and Gucci in New York City last night, and let me be the first to say, HAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHA YOU FAT BITCH! That baby is gonna weigh more than Marc Anthony. Hell, JLos giant underwear probably weighs more than Marc Anthony."
Points For Good Behavior: None
The Sentence: Perhaps someone can insert an 8 lb. tapeworm into this young man's stomach, so that he may see (sort of) what it is like to carry around some extra weight and be hungry all the time? (Not that fetuses are parasites!)

The Charge: Speculating about vaginal integrity.
The Accused: Someone at The Superficial.
The Evidence: "Christina Aguilera made her first post-pregnancy appearance at a West Hollywood Best Buy yesterday. Wow, lactation is awesome. Even better she had a C-section. You know what means, fellas. Huh? Yeah?"
Points For Good Behavior: None
The Sentence: Copious amounts of steroids, specifically designed to shrink the penis. Find something tight now.

The Charge: The usual misogyny with a heaping side of racism.
The Accused: Our "friend" the Drunken Stepfather.
The Evidence: "I don't really know what I am talking about, but it is nice to see a half naked black girl with her real hair. Every time I come across a black girl, which is often because I am well liked in the community, the bitch has a wig or a weave on and that shit is way to [sic] Halloween for me. If I wanted to get busy with a clown, everyone knows I'd be at McDonalds and not KFC, everyone knows that so get it together."
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Tyra and the girls of Lezebel together hating men. I guess that's what happens when a man breaks your heart or cheats on you or touches you inappropriately leaving you to fend for yourself in this cold scary man's world until meeting other girls who were also fucked over by men to create a community with and change the way the world works."
Points For Good Behavior: It's so cute how he thinks about us all the time. Maybe when Tracie ran into him in Vegas she made a lasting impression?
The Sentence: Since he's "well-liked" in the "community," how about we drop the Drunken Stepfather off in black hair salon and let the ladies know what he said?

The Charge: Confusing us with a weird breast-related comment.
The Accused: Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: "Max Is One Lucky Boy! Christina Aguilera's son gets to suck on those all day!"
Points For Good Behavior: It's supposed to be kind of a compliment? Though it's coming from a gay man? And like, breasts are actually designed for breastfeeding, anyway? So Max is not "lucky," he's just a normal infant like thousands born every day?
The Sentence: Eh, consider this a warning.

But wait!



The Charge:
Sexualizing a 15-year-old's anus.

The Accused: Perez Hilton.

The Evidence: (For a picture of Rachel Zoe) "Her Face Is Tighter Than Hannah Montana's Anus!"

Points For Good Behavior: Mocking Rachel Zoe is OK, but leave Miley Cyrus' teenage backdoor alone!

The Sentence: Perhaps we should let Billy Ray Cyrus decide?



The Charge: More pregnant woman-mocking.

The Accused: Whomever cobbles together Yeeeah.

The Evidence: "Jennifer Lopez and all three of her chins lumbered down the black carpet last night at the "Night To Benefit Raising Malawi & Unicef" charity gala hosted by Madonna and Gucci at the U.N. headquarters in New York. To be fair, she's pregnant with twins, but it's not like she's supposed to be carrying them in her neck fat."

The Sentence: Again, something involving tapeworms or pinworms seems appropriate.