Jezebel
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. This week, the misogynists are on about stretched-out vadges, pregnancy neck and 15-year-old bungholes. Not cool, people. Plus: A special racist post! The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!
The Charge: Calling a pregnant woman a "fat bitch." The Accused: The dude behind What Would Tyler Durden Do? The Evidence: "Jennifer Lopez and her sexy husband went to some UNICEF charity thing sponsored by Madonna and Gucci in New York City last night, and let me be the first to say, HAHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHA YOU FAT BITCH! That baby is gonna weigh more than Marc Anthony. Hell, JLos giant underwear probably weighs more than Marc Anthony." Points For Good Behavior: None The Sentence: Perhaps someone can insert an 8 lb. tapeworm into this young man's stomach, so that he may see (sort of) what it is like to carry around some extra weight and be hungry all the time? (Not that fetuses are parasites!)
The Charge: Speculating about vaginal integrity. The Accused: Someone at The Superficial. The Evidence: "Christina Aguilera made her first post-pregnancy appearance at a West Hollywood Best Buy yesterday. Wow, lactation is awesome. Even better she had a C-section. You know what means, fellas. Huh? Yeah?" Points For Good Behavior: None The Sentence: Copious amounts of steroids, specifically designed to shrink the penis. Find something tight now.
The Charge: The usual misogyny with a heaping side of racism. The Accused: Our "friend" the Drunken Stepfather. The Evidence: "I don't really know what I am talking about, but it is nice to see a half naked black girl with her real hair. Every time I come across a black girl, which is often because I am well liked in the community, the bitch has a wig or a weave on and that shit is way to [sic] Halloween for me. If I wanted to get busy with a clown, everyone knows I'd be at McDonalds and not KFC, everyone knows that so get it together." Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Tyra and the girls of Lezebel together hating men. I guess that's what happens when a man breaks your heart or cheats on you or touches you inappropriately leaving you to fend for yourself in this cold scary man's world until meeting other girls who were also fucked over by men to create a community with and change the way the world works." Points For Good Behavior: It's so cute how he thinks about us all the time. Maybe when Tracie ran into him in Vegas she made a lasting impression? The Sentence: Since he's "well-liked" in the "community," how about we drop the Drunken Stepfather off in black hair salon and let the ladies know what he said?
The Charge: Confusing us with a weird breast-related comment. The Accused: Perez Hilton. The Evidence: "Max Is One Lucky Boy! Christina Aguilera's son gets to suck on those all day!" Points For Good Behavior: It's supposed to be kind of a compliment? Though it's coming from a gay man? And like, breasts are actually designed for breastfeeding, anyway? So Max is not "lucky," he's just a normal infant like thousands born every day? The Sentence: Eh, consider this a warning.
But wait!
The Charge: Sexualizing a 15-year-old's anus.
The Accused: Perez Hilton.
The Evidence: (For a picture of Rachel Zoe) "Her Face Is Tighter Than Hannah Montana's Anus!"
Points For Good Behavior: Mocking Rachel Zoe is OK, but leave Miley Cyrus' teenage backdoor alone!
The Sentence: Perhaps we should let Billy Ray Cyrus decide?
The Charge: More pregnant woman-mocking.
The Accused: Whomever cobbles together Yeeeah.
The Evidence: "Jennifer Lopez and all three of her chins lumbered down the black carpet last night at the "Night To Benefit Raising Malawi & Unicef" charity gala hosted by Madonna and Gucci at the U.N. headquarters in New York. To be fair, she's pregnant with twins, but it's not like she's supposed to be carrying them in her neck fat."
The Sentence: Again, something involving tapeworms or pinworms seems appropriate.
Comments
calling pregnant women fat is just... i mean... that's beyond stupid, it's like they are actually missing half their brain if not ALL OF IT.
not that fetuses are parasites made me lol
Ugh, completely sleazy and disgusting, per usual. Well done, idiots.
I was so disgusted by all the nasty remarks about both J Lo and Halle on those shitty sites this week. I'm starting to rely only on Jezebel for my gossip.
For a bunch of lesbians, a lot of us do seem to talk about d in the v a lot. Though the girls who ARE lesbians are awesome too. And I suspect being a lesbian has less to do with men and more to do with women.
"Find something tight now."
HAHAHAHAHA. Exhibit Number Three Million (roughly) that Dodai is awesome. Love it.
fetuses are totally parasites.
Did he really mention Hannah Montanna's 3rd hole? WTF? Weirdo.
I don't think we let Billy Ray Cyrus decide anything. He's already decided to whore his daughter out, right? And even though he has a bastard child, she's waiting till marriage, totally.
Sorry that bugs me. The comment was totally weird. I don't know which is worse, him talking about Christina's breasts or HM's anus. Eww. That poor kid Max. When he grows up it'll be like when someone told me "Your brother has a nice ass" except a million times worse forever and ever.
The Superficial, Perez, DrunkenStepShitSandwich, I Don't Like You in That Way - the commentary is trash.
perez is the scum of the earth.
I think the only explanation for someone like Drunken Stepfather is that he had an abusive grandmother who swung a mean hairbrush and forced him to sit down to pee, or something.
When my parasite grows up, I hope he beats the living shit out of these douchelasers.
"Not that fetuses are parasites!"
I have an ex-gf who violently disagrees.
Uhhh well, Drunken Stepfather claimed that someone went to AVN posing as him! This was not posted as a direct response to Tracie's post about sighting him, but it was posted after...hmmm.
The only thing more depressing than reading these posts is reading the comments on their sites afterward. When did people become so stupid and hateful?
Mentioning Jezebel all the time is weird on Drunken Stepfather's part, it's like he thinks it's a romantic comedy where he and Jezebel hate each other and then we will eventually be won over by his charms(?) and fall madly in love with him.
also @SharonTaint: LOL! douchelasers!
I am pregnant and feel the need to stick up for my breeding sisters -- FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!!!
That's all I can muster now. I have much more vitriolic things I'm sure I could say, but there is a 3-pound succubus currently siphoning off valuable nutrients and blood from my brain at the moment... because yes, fetuses are parasites -- cute, adorable parasites.
I don't think the first Perez one was offensive at all - just the kind of thing I imagine a lot of (straight) men were thinking on viewing the pic. And if anything is simply a cliche. The comment about Montana's asshole however was totally uncalled for a more than a little creepy
@foree: @gluecake: @Dr. Spaceman: Ha! I had a bio teacher who slowly and sincerely explained to you that fetuses (feti?) are totally parasites. The kicker? This was 7th grade at a Catholic school.
I think it's about time SM posted Drunken Stepfather's pic so Jezzie's Canadian readers can hunt him for sport.
Maybe bc I am a huge fag hag but I am never offended by what Perez says. BC my gays say the same shit.
And weren't we all hating on J. Lo yesterday?
Menz: Love you guys, but you seriously need to stop talking about pregnancy. You clearly don't get it.
My boyfriend couldn't stop commenting about how big his cousin's pregnant wife was. Not in an insulting way, but as if it had never occurred to him that that's sort of what happens when you are carrying another human being inside of you.
Another time, he and his frat buddies were talking about how their third buddy should hurry up and impregnate his wife with his second child. "That's the best way to do it," one of them said. "If you're going to have three kids, you should have them one right after the other."
As if their friend's wife was some kind of incubating vessal for their friend's progeny who could endure three pregnancies in quick succession.
until milly rae is 18, comments like that make me wonder about pedopillia, and if it is alive and well inside the jackass who said that.
I am so proud to have reached one year of Perez sobriety. It's one day at a time, I know, but I feel like I've finally learned how to quit him.
This was a great one, but let's face it -- fetuses ARE parasites!
My best friend is knocked up and she's always calling teh behbeh a parasite.
I doubt Drunken Stepfather is "well liked" in any community, let alone the black one.
@fallenbelle: i love kids, and i am totally going to call my kids that when i am preggers with them. parasites....
Holy shit. That Perez comment about Hannah Montana...I don't even know what to say. That is so, so wrong, and anyone who would write that...motherfucker, it's not even vaguely funny. GOD.
Yuck on the Miley Cyrus stuff.
You know what is weird? Miley's real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus but ole Billy Ray called her Smiley as a kid, which ended up being shortened to Miley.
All so cute, right? This month she legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. Good brand management huh.
@Trixie from Toronto: I agree! And I love my little blood suckers.
And they are cuter than any of yours, ppl
@Trashtastic: My parasites went from cute to hot. Now that's disturbing.
This, is the best punishment I've seen: "Since he's 'well-liked' in the 'community,' how about we drop the Drunken Stepfather off in black hair salon and let the ladies know what he said?"
What. A. Douche.
@ZippyTortoise: Hahaha! Yeah. But, no.
Ugh.
Linking to these sites at all is a patriarchy survival strategy, right?
'Cause otherwise I'm really not seein' it.
Mi madre gets REALLY offended if I even suggest that a pregnant woman is 'getting bigger' .... I am informed each and every time - "She's not getting fat, she's having.a.healthy.baby ."
So keep that in mind next time you (meaning anyone on the face of this or any other planet) comment that poor J.Lo really has started looking like a beached whale. She's HAVING.HEALTHY.BABIES. But the poor woman really does just look large, I do not envy her that size right now.
That guy's ugly
[www.i-guide.ro]
What a creepy thing to say about Miley Cyrus. Creepy! I totally need a shower just from reading that comment.
Isn't Drunken Stepfather in renal failure yet?
Yeah, I know that was tasteless, but I figure he'll have less time to devote to his hate speech if he doesn't have kidneys.
@SharonTaint: Douchelaser? I can't tell if that would be handy or, uh, burny.
I want to marry the guys who write for The Onion:
Woman Overjoyed by Giant Uterine Parasite
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