Jezebel
OMG scummmmmm. Really, you don't need to know more. But okay, Marlie and Paul work together. At a law firm, natch. She got this email yesterday afternoon after saying that she wouldn't be averse to going on a date with Paul, if that was what he was hinting around about — because that was obviously what he was hinting around about. Sounds like harmless workplace flirting, no? Watch Paul till the situation into his personal breeding ground for the ultimate neg! Oh Paul, any girl who gives credence to your wild delusions of studliness is only doing so because you make it impossible for any of them to actually care about you to a sufficient degree that they'd have enough interest in your long-term emotional strength to set you right. And I have a feeling that includes Jennifer.
—-—-—-- Forwarded message —-—-—-- From: "Paul" Date: Feb 5, 2008 5:25 PM Subject: To: "Marlie"Hey I'm trying to do this professionally, but because I'm a huge pussy, as you know, I have to write an email. I was flattered that you asked me out on a date. You do indeed have big balls and that's why we call you Big Balls Marlie. But the bottom line is that we can't date because we crossed into the friendship zone. This is a frequent occurrence, and before you start getting all pissy-poo about this, I would say the exact same thing to Erin, Lydia, Stephanie, Caroline or any other girl in your class or mine (say, Meghan, Katie, Sandrine, Beth, Julie N., Julie B.) who asked me on a date. I consider myself friends with all of the above, including you, but don't really think of them as datable, which is why I was partly shocked when you asked me out. I mean we can joke around about sex-dreams and masturbation, but I didn't think you would actually ask me out on a date.
That's not to say I'm not impressed, and even a bit envious of the size of your balls. But it won't work because it would be awkward. Here's another reason it won't work. On some day, a while ago, you said something that caused me to want to make a blowjob joke. I withheld making it because I didn't want to send any mixed-signals to you that I was somehow interested in obtaining a blowjob. The problem is that I DON'T WANT to hold back making that joke—especially around you—because we should be able to joke about that kind of stuff as friends.
This afternoon was another good example. I am in a pissy mood because I didn't get much sleep last night, I'm behind in my classes, and I had just received a snarky email from someone. I was pissed at everyone in the world, but I saw a look on your face like, "oh no, he doesn't like me" or something like that. That wasn't it at all. I do like you, but I should be able to get pissed off and not feel guilty about it around you. You know what I mean?
I do hope so, because it has been a shit-ton of fun getting to know you and I like feeling comfortable, as opposed to uncomfortable, around you.
As for Jennifer, that's an entirely different story. We are not dating. I don't really know what we're doing, but its not exactly boning either.
-DPVdelaMIV
Comments
Poor, Poor Jennifer
What a dumbfuck.
ahhhhhh!!!!!! i am in law school, and emails and men like this are the reason i spend most of every day wishing i were dead.
I veto the phrase "shit-ton." Gentlemen, take note. Never again.
I don't know what I'd do if I ever heard such fuckwittage and douchebaggery in person.
the sheer amount of douchebaggery in this email alone has almost blinded me.
Jennifer needs to run the other direction. quickly.
PS: It is emails like this that make me wish you could post the dude's real name. And circulate the email amongst everyone he knows.
This man will NEVER "obtain a blowjob" from anyone. Ever.
Gross. Gross. I don't even know where to start.
I LOVE CEFAD.
I just never (rarely) get the feeling that the "background" is at all... how shall we say... forthcoming.
Indeed, this man is crap, but is it reeeeallly necessary to blame asking him out on him and his "obvious hints"?
Take it like a man, Marlie. You asked out a douche, and you got a douche response.
*sigh*
Such is the world.
Oh yeah, great job being professional. I always use words like pussy, balls, masturbation, blow-job and boning in my work emails. Douche.
Reply back:
UNSUBSCRIBE
Well, we've seen worse Crap Emails. But he does sound like a wang.
Good lord. "It's been a shit-ton (wtf?) of fun getting to know you?" "Pissy-poo?" Girlfriend, this is called dodging a MAJOR bullet, this guy not wanting to date you. Thank your lucky stars.
if a guy claims THAT many girls are into him, then i think a picture is definitely in order.
Also, "not exactly boning?" Why does this bring to my mind images of sex acts with inanimate objects? Like, if they each have sex with a wedge of cheese while the other watches, that's notexactly boning.
Reminds me of a text I once received: "Sorry, I didn't mean to be cavalier." But I was moreso pissed that he wanted to use fancy language when all we were doing was drunk texting.
Translation of email: "Me me me, me me me me, me me me me me me me. Other woman."
Douche.
@Trillian: Hee, you said "wang". I love that word.
@Trillian: at least this one wasn't 9 pages long.
and he LISTS all of the girls who have asked him on a date! What a twatwaffle!
Why does he think it is okay to make jokes about sex-dreams and masturbation with one of his peers? Especially one in whom he is not sexually interested? I mean, maybe if they were old pals, but someone who has just "crossed over into friend territory"? Dumb ass.
in defence of the guy (& I am not one to defend a guy) I think Jennifer seriously misread the situation & the email is as gentle but firm "no, but thanks".
I knew a guy like this once. Complete douchenozzle.
Dear Marlie,
You dodged a bullet, girl. Thanks for sharing, and for reminding us again why you should never date a lawyer.
PS. Save this Email. It will be Exhibit A when you eventually sue the lawfirm for fostering a hostile work environment, for employing Aholes like Paul. Hope you get a shit-ton of money.
@Trillian: I was just glad that I was able to read this entire email without getting bored and skimming it.
Somehow, I know that getting to know him would NOT be a shit-ton of fun.
Oh, this guy is a COLOSSAL pussy. He doesn't have the balls to ask her out, nor does he have the balls to even reject her in a coherent manner. Um, guy? Confusing the girl with your retarded logic is not gonna absolve your pussy asshole-ness.
What's more, this guy and all his sex-joke-making female friends is OBVIOUSLY one of those guys who keeps lots of chick around that he "doesn't want to bang", just because he needs the attention, but he's obvi holding out for a hotter chick to bestow upon her the privledge of dating him. A classic narcissist, really.
He really thinks he's somethin, eh?
Never date a man who uses the term "pissy-poo." Ladies, as a lawyer, lemme just say: avoid the male of our species if at all possible. The strange phenomenon of "law school hot" coupled with an inflated income seems to give them this delusion that ALL women EVERYWHERE want to date them.
This is so enjoyable! First of all: Big Balls Marlie, congratulations on your nickname.
Secondly, I weep for the world's aborted blowjob jokes. It's a CRIME that this joke did not see the light of day.
Finally, "We are not dating. I don't really know what we're doing, but it's not exactly boning either."???! What is that? Dry-humping in a darkened closet every other week? I can't picture it but I do know it is my new low-water mark. If we're not dating, we better be boning and if it's not either do not use my name in the same sentence as you say "boning". In fact, just don't ever say "boning".
That is all.
What charming venacular "shit-ton" "pissy-poo" numerous "balls" references. What a classy way to tell someone thanks but no thanks.
Dude, Marlie really dosn't care about all the reasons your not interested? God. Just say, "I'm flattered, but I'd like to stay just friends" Cliched maybe, but there's comfort in cliches. She doesn't need to hear about how dating her would ruin your chances of making witty blow-job jokes.
@LadySkittlehattington: Me, too! The craptasticness is so much more amusing when you can enjoy every craptastic line.
"This is a frequent occurrence, and before you start getting all pissy-poo about this, I would say the exact same thing to Erin, Lydia, Stephanie, Caroline or any other girl in your class or mine (say, Meghan, Katie, Sandrine, Beth, Julie N., Julie B.) who asked me on a date."
Is it just me or is there a SCOURGE of men running around who think that sentiments like this one are actually supposed to make the girl feel better? Someone needs to write a dissertation breaking why this is insulting down into bullet points. Maybe even a PowerPoint presentation.
because I'm a huge pussy, as you know...
Yes, Paul. Yes you are.
@MsDirector: At least this dude didn't try to go all Shakespearean?
@hamsterpants: It's highly useful! I also use "wing wang" whenever possible.
Um, how hard is it to say, "Hey, I think you're awesome and I'm really flattered that you asked me out, but I'm sort of seeing this girl Jennifer." That's. All. You. Have. To. Say. What a tool.
Five bucks says this delusional fool sends a mass email to all of the above-named women informing them to please, please understand that he cannot accept date invitations or blowjobs from any of them. So don't ask. Total Loser.
"comfortable, as opposed to uncomfortable"...again with the motherfucking words! Jesus Christ!
Also, "pissy-poo"? Is he four?
You know how sometimes you turn a guy down for a date and he keeps asking you for your reasons, like he's going to argue you into a relationship with the power of his G-Force logic? I always wonder where the hell these guys get the idea that a bullet-pointed list is necessary for a social exchange that should take all of about ten seconds.
Now I realise: they're all friends with this guy.
Is this dude hunch-backed?? I mean, he would have to be, right? How could any normal man possibly stand up straight with the weight of that HUGE EGO weighing him down? I assume he keeps his "shit-ton" of Ego in his balls, since he is so fascinated with them, no matter what the biology.
How does someone think that sending an email like this is better than a 'I'm not interested in you like that.'? Or 'I like you as a friend.'
HOW?! Sometimes I wish I could give people a good shaking through the internet.
@LoMorale: Yeah, that's another thing. Now I want to know who he WOULD date...
I like "shit-ton." Sorry, tis true. "Fuck-ton" is even better, though.
@leMaldeTete: Your first line made me lol : )
Wait...if a guy makes a joke about blow jobs in front of me that means I'll be like "oh I should give him a blow job!" Wow that went WAY over my head.