This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Ill, Mary-Kate Is Weird

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! This week, the covers of the weekly tabloids are all over the place: Britney landed two, and the rest went to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and uh, Eric Dane. Intern Sharon helps figure out if there's any worthwhile "news" in In Touch, Star, Us, Life & Style and OK!, even though she'd rather be getting her nails done. Especially after seeing hideous close-ups of Britney Spears' nails. Shudder! Join us as we soak in celeb gossip, after the jump.

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Ill, Mary-Kate Is Weird

Us
"Britney's Fight To Get Well." Before Britney went into the psych ward of Cedars Sinai, she wrote a note to "manager" Sam Lutfi, that read, "I love you, Sam. Are there people coming? Circle yes or no." Sam circled yes, and now she's in a cell. Apparently Britney's manic episodes had been increasing — when she put on her pink wig, that's when you knew it was getting bad. Also inside: Hayden Panettiere has yet to choose which Democratic candidate she'll support, but she did tell Chelsea Clinton she'll vote for whomever will help save the whales. Because there is no larger issue facing this country! There are four pages of Hillary Clinton critiquing her own outfits. Fun!
Grade: D- (fungal nail)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Ill, Mary-Kate Is Weird

In Touch
"My Mom Slept With My Husband." Britney is on lithium and Seroquel to control her severe mood swings. But her paranoia has lead her to believe that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib. Lynne was always going to Kevin's to visit the kids, and Brit thinks that's when they shagged. Also inside: Michelle Williams thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is a part of Heath's downfall and wants nothing to do with her. Halle Berry is spending $1,350 a pop on 16 oz. La Mer skin cream so that she won't get stretch marks while she's pregnant. Good luck with that! Michael Jackson's kids were having an "especially" good time at a puppet show in Vegas, maybe because they never get out? Jackson, who is trying to make a comeback, was advised to "stop acting weird" so the kids no longer wear veils.
Grade: D (split nail with hangnail)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Ill, Mary-Kate Is Weird

OK!
"My Fight Against Cancer." So Eric Dane's lips were weirdly chapped. He went to the dermatologist and found that it was malignant tissue from sun damage. He's going to be fine, but thinks everyone should wear SPF lip balm, basically. Also inside: Rihanna says, "I'm always alone on Valentine's day." Sob! John Mayer was spotted at an Equinox gym in New York where, says a source, he "did five minutes of the elliptical and then spent the next twenty minutes strutting around the gym, waiting for someone to talk to him." Kate Hudson says she can't wait to have more kids. Also, she denies ever making out with Justin Timberlake: "One, he has a girlfriend. Two: who makes out in a bar?" There's stuff about the battle over Britney: Sam Lutfi claims that as she was going into the hospital, Brit yelled, "My mom is banging my boyfriend!" Paranoia is a symptom of whatever she has, right? Jake Gyllenhaal is having trouble snapping out of the shock he's been in since hearing of Heath Ledger's death: He did not attend either of the two memorial services held in L.A.
Grade: C- (chewed-up nail)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Ill, Mary-Kate Is Weird

Life & Style
"Shiloh's Scare." Is Shiloh in danger? Someone got to the doorstep of one of Angelina and Brad's homes and left a photo of Shiloh and a note that read, "We got this close already." By the end of 2008, Angie and Brad's security bill could hit $5 million. Also: Lauren Conrad got wasted on watermelon cucumber mojitos at a bar in L.A. on her 22nd birthday. Lo had to pull her into the car to prevent her from having a wardrobe malfunction. Preggers Jessica Alba has Earth Lodge boots, which have negative heels — wearing them is like walking on a treadmill! Heidi and Spencer were turned away from eating lunch at Il Pastaio in L.A. because Angelina Jolie was there with her kids and asked that the restaurant be closed until they finished. Maybe Heidi and Spencer got mad and left that "threat" on Angie's doorstep? Not everyone is into Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia's relationship: former Heroes actor Thomas Dekker, 20, says, "It's gross. It's like me dating a 12-year-old."
Grade: C (chipped nail)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Ill, Mary-Kate Is Weird

Star
"Twisted Sisters." Unlike the other women in his life, Mary-Kate did not go to Heath's memorials. And speaking of the twin, sister Ashley hates her; her mood swings make her tough to be around. A former bodyguard says while the twins always want to go to the most popular clubs, they don't want anyone to look at them. Their bodyguards form a wall around them and follow them to the bathroom. And the girls love booze! An insider says, "MK and Ash can drink anybody under the table." Also inside: Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's home and likes to spend every moment with her. Jude Law and Sadie Frost might be back together: He seems to be around her house more now than when they were married, according to a source. Are Hayden and Milo on the rocks? Hayden, 18 wants to go clubbing; Milo, 30 likes to stay at home. Plus, now that they're not sneaking around, the thrill is gone. Michael Jackson's kids: Who's your daddy? "It would have to be a bizarre biological fluke if they had the same DNA," says a witness at the Luxor hotel. Debbie Rowe once claimed that the two kids were conceived via artificial insemination with sperm from an anonymous donor. Who could it be??? Colin Farrell's going to be the best man at his brother Eamon's gay wedding. In fact, Colin helped pick out the ring! Sweet. Mena Suvari got a huge tattoo on the back of her neck: a lion's head and the words "Word Sound Power." As for Britney: The singer is in psych-ward hell because her padded cell has no TV and she must be on her best behavior during cigarette breaks. Also, people in the ward scream at night and the food is not great. Meanwhile, her sister is Party Lynn Spears: She and Casey had some kind of sorority-girl filled Super Bowl bash. In addition, Nicole Richie is only consuming chicken broth on an extreme diet to get her post-baby body back. Except she cheats and has fatty foods, then starves herself as punishment. She wants to lose 20 lbs. in 20 days to keep her baby daddy happy. Angelina and Brad are not done having children, and Maddox loves it: He sees more kids as more playmates, soldiers for his army. The couple may adopt an African baby or black kid from New Orleans to "balance" the family. (So Zahara doesn't feel left out?) Also: They might name the twins Jesse (like Brad played Jesse James?) and Marcheline (Angie's mom.)
Grade: B- (DIY manicure)