There are no clear winners tonight but ha ha ha that's a lie McCain is the next president of the United States and Hillary Clinton is the next president of the only states that matter i.e. California and New York. Mike Huckabee also came back from the dead to tell everyone how Jesus told him he, too, hates Mitt Romney, but if you want to talk real miracles, maybe you'll tell me why John Edwards seems to be winning 10% of California's Democratic primary votes. Not that I will be around to listen bc I am GOING TO SLEEP.
1:32 a.m. Hey guys. Pretty Hillary Chelsea photo, yes? Thanks to reader George who emailed in to tell me why he voted for Obama even though I never emailed him with a convincing argument as to why he ought to. I was very convincingly on death's doorstep George, but I sent ESP through the ghost of John Kenneth Galbraith via Jesus via Mike Huckabee. Surely you saw him on the TV tonight telling everyone how much he respects John McCain? That was code!
12:25 a.m. Wolf is projecting victory for Hillary in California.
12:20 a.m. Um, so did California not get the memo that John Edwards dropped out? Or is that 11% of the thus-counted California vote just a testament to the state's long-term commitment to good hair?
12:18 a.m. Ohhhhhhh... Lunesta commercial...........................
12:15 a.m. Missouri goes back to Barry! Or maybe!?!
12:13 a.m. California results are watchable here and here for your realtime freakout pleasure. Clinton is leading in the first 5% of ballots cast in every single county. I don't know what this means but I think we all heard the candidates talk tonight about the moms working late and pulling that second shift. This race is all about the procrastinator vote.
12:04 a.m. Oh wow, you really are reading! Eh, I maybe passed out for a minute. Barry has such a nice voice...
11:52 p.m. Obama just said something about how it's "not about who's up and who's down..." It's about who's crying now, Barry?? Hillary is still leading in California.
11:36 p.m. It's weird to be doing this when I know fucking no one is reading it. SinisterRouge for America's Next Top Jezebel editor...
11:30 p.m. Doh! Georgia goes to Huckabee. And apparently the cities of Missouri are still streaming in so it's too close to call for HIl bc only white people (who are not "cool") like her etc. etc.
11:27 p.m. So Missouri — I thought we called Missouri awhile ago, but whatev — looks like it's going to Clinton, despite the appearance of Paul Rudd at a recent Obama rally there. Sigh. Utah looks like a maybe for Obama. And no one can figure out which Republican gets Georgia.
11:20 p.m. Ok, switched to CNN, ironically on account of that Liberty Mutual commercial with the awful Sarah McLachlanesque awful song that plays like 397 times an hour on CNN. They're talking about how the Latins hate Obama again. This is every pundit's favorite demographic trend. But personally, I loved how a Spanish radio pundit went on MSNBC this morning and said: "We Latins couldn't be happier! None of the leading candidates want to deport all of us to Guantanamo or whatever!"
11:15 p.m. Hillary just won Arizona. Maybe scratch that delegate count thing?!
11:14 p.m. Obama is leading the delegate count for the evening. That is, according to the Obama campaign he is.
11:07 p.m. Chris Matthews, Mike Huckabee and Keith Olbermann are all talking and they are all agreeing with one another because what they are talking about is how much they hate Mitt Romney. We should introduce that guy to the Luos and the Kikuyus next!
11:03 p.m. McCain wins ARIZONA!!!! And Barry wins Idaho. Nice try, Idaho, I am still not forgiving you for those effing Denise Austin potato commercials.
10:57 p.m. Hillary talking. "I won't let anyone swift boat this country's future." Ha ha ha because she will crush them. Hillary sees an America where we stand up to the oil companies and the oil producing countries COUGH COUGH Dubai COUGH. Oooooooh, now she's congratulating Obama!!! Keeping the old Hill-Barry ticket fantasy alive! She looks forward to future debates — ha ha she'll CRUSH you, Barry! — okay so this is a really good speech. The polls are now closed in California. God it's about time.
10:52 p.m. Oh yay she's talking! And again, yellow...hmm. Ooooh she mentioned American Samoa. Where are the Girl Scout cookies when you just ate a pint of Half Baked and you've given up?
10:47 p.m. Browser crashed. I was in the middle of some screed re that Brooks column I brought up before everything went haywire. Look, dudes. Anyone — anyone, under any circumstances, but especially to a potential ally — who says "I will crush you" or "I will destroy you" or whatever, is lame. Period. I don't care I don't care I don't care. Not giving Hillary a pass bc she doesn't have an overabundance of testosterone to credit. But the more important part is, if I am supposed to give her credit for anything she did from 1992 to 2000 aside from needlessly alienating everyone on Capitol Hill with a health-care plan that a more diplomatic personality might have salvaged and, oh yeah, hiring Dick Morris back to win the 96 election, why won't the Clintons release the papers that might elucidate what exactly the fuck that was? That's all.
10:27 p.m. Obama won Connecticut, spoiling the whole "Tri-state trifecta" plan everyone as of an hour ago thought was going to take it home for HIllary. Connecticut, you see, is where all the hedge fund managers live, and...well that's the "audacity" part...aw shit maybe we should just give this one up to the success of evil misogynist propaganda? Whatev, that's like two more delegates...
10:26 p.m. SHOCKER: Romney wins Utah.
10:13 p.m. Kansas just went for Obama 72-27! Suck it, Hillary, that's like a palindrome or something!?! Anyway I just got another email from one of those people who sent me some link full of reasons to vote for Hillary if you have ever in your life endured sexism that I did not find very convincing, and now she says "I hate that you act like I have to vote for Obama bc that's what all the cool kids are doing!!!" Seriously, do you expect me to also explain why Garden State sucked? Maybe because I am not in college I do not get this line of reasoning. I had a friend who claimed I liked Obama bc I like hip-hop culture, and I was like "I suppose that would make sense, if it were 1989 and the apotheosis of hip-hop culture was like, The Low-End Theory, but have you ever heard of 50 Cent?" And that made me wonder: is that the kind of college crowd Obama is attracting? The a cappella singing, jazz history minoring, hackeysack douche whose only redeeming quality is that he owns the Low End Theory contingent? Did that contingent even continue to exist after 1997? And does Shepard Fairey play into this somehow? Anyway, any thoughts/enlightening statements are welcome.
10:12 p.m. Mike Huckabee is talking or something. Wait, who's that tall broad behind him who is not Chuck Norris' hot wife?
10:02 p.m. Obama is projected to win North Dakota. They must have like at least 1.3 delegates right?
9:54 p.m. Oh god, do I really have to pay attention to Mike Huckabee again? Because he won Alabama...by 2,000 votes? Fuck this. Mike Huckabee will endorse McCain, and then McCain will get all the Jesus people to vote for him and ... this Purina Fancy Feast commercial makes me want to inflict cruelty to actresses who nuzzle fluffy white cats to regurgitated jazz standards.
9:42 p.m. So...the big disappointment for McCain is that he's winning big in Blue States? So, like, the Red State Republicans are just going to stay home? Rather than vote against the Clintons for a bona fide war hero? It's just kinda hard to believe that the average Republican hates McCain as much as the average race-bating, immigrant-demonizing Jack Abramoff-BFFing secretary porking (see what I did there? pork? Hah) Capitol Hill Republican. I dunno though.
9:35 p.m. Scarbrough and Buchanan have just agreed on the evening's takeaway thus far! It's been a BIG disappointment for John McCain. Because Mitt Romney managed to win his home state.
9:32 p.m. Alabama just went to Obama and Huckabee. (Hey, just like Iowa!) And it might happen in Georgia, too; it's allegedly too close to call...
9:27 p.m. Some bottle blonde on Fox is talking about how Massachusetts must've gone for Clinton bc it's one of those blue collar hick states where they don't really like blacks.
9:26 p.m. California polls still open for another 94 minutes! God, I am soooooo energized.
9:24 p.m. Why is everyone on Fox News so stoked right now? I thought all those GOP shills, like, hated John McCain!!
9:23 p.m. Dear SinisterRouge, why.
9:15 p.m. So, catching up on Megan's, it started off a pretty positive night for Obama, but now Hillary's projected to be the winner in New Jersey, New York, Arkansas and Massachusetts, while Obama took Delaware. Those were all states that he was trying and, now apparently failing, to gain on Hillary in. McCain's also apparently taking New York.
8:40 p.m. Hey, so you'll have to give me a few minutes to get situated. I feel like shit. Did you read David Brooks today? I only did because it's number two on the Most Emailed list.