Jezebel
Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue virtual wrist-slaps to popular gossip bloggers for Crimes Against Womanity. Not much is going on this week, besides the misadventures of the ailing Britney Spears. Still: Bad decisions were made. The offenders and their sentences, after the jump. Let the Jezebel justice system begin!
The Charge: Calling pregnant women nauseating. They may be nauseated, but that's not the same thing!
The Accused: Michael K at DListed
The Evidence: Re: Christina Aguilera's Marie Claire cover. "That didn't sell, because people were too busy throwing up. It's kind of difficult to throw up and pay for something at the same time."
Points For Good Behavior: It's possible that it's merely Xtina's blissful expression and generous makeup that are making Mike feel ill. Surely a woman with child in itself is not gross — some poor woman gave birth to him, after all.
The Sentence: 24 hours as a nurse's assistant in a maternity ward, getting up close and personal with the miracle of life.
The Charge: Obsessively analyzing the skin texture of the backs of women's thighs; writing the headline: "Guess The Celebrity Who Doesn't Have Cellulite"
The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, of course!
The Evidence: Aforementioned headline, picture of Kristen Bell's legs. Turning fat-spotting into a game.
Points For Good Behavior: None.
The Sentence: We just want Rian (who e-mailed us recently to ask us to stop writing about her, then turned around and apologized and said "never mind") to learn to love healthy bodies of all shapes and sizes, including her own. There is nothing wrong with your legs if you can walk on them! Rian is hereby sentenced to 40 hours of volunteering with paraplegics, polio-sufferers and amputees.
The Charge: Making fun of mammary glands
The Accused: Someone at CelebNewsWire
The Evidence: Calling Avril Lavigne's breasts T8r Tots and "surprisingly globular and impressively sizeable blammos."
Points For Good Behavior: None. Even if this person were, as we suspect, six years old, this would be bad behavior.
The Sentence: A med-school-level course in human anatomy, including cadaver dissection: the "blammos" will lose their mystique, surely.
The Charge: Period jokes
The Accused: Repeat offender Drunken Stepfather, who actually acknowledges us in his post!
The Evidence: "I was going to go off about how period's aren't natural again, because it seemed to be a hit with the feminist lesibians [sic] ... even though the average guy secretly fucking loves periods because it means we didn't knock our bitch up this month and it's a time for celebration, a celebration that only lasts about a minute until we realize that our bitches are going to be pains in the ass, not put out and expect us to be sensitive to their needs for the next 5 days."
The Sentence: Hmm, maybe a sex therapist? Since, in his own words, he "only lasts about a minute." Poor thing.
The Charge: General misogyny and mean-spiritedness; likening a woman to a piece of meat.
The Accused: Whomever is cobbling crap together at Yeeeah.
The Evidence: Re: Jane Krakowski at the SAG awards: Jane Krakowski "Ugly Cake Taker" for this year's SAGs. "And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I've ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole."
The Sentence: Trichinosis, the disease you get from eating uncooked pork. Roundworms living in your intestines and cause fever, diarrhea, abdominal pain and vomiting. "Me want food" indeed!
Comments
Christina Aguilera's cover was gross though. But not because she was pregnant, I just think Marie Claire likes having shitty covers.
There is nothing wrong with your legs if you can walk on them!
Brilliant. A little shot of perspective can go a long way.
I'm with Micheal K, though. Aguilera's pretty gross. Sorry!
Okay, T8r Tots on its own is pretty funny for some reason. But not as a synonym for breasts.
I'm totally a six yr old cuz T8r Tots made me laugh.
T8tr Tots? 4 Reels? I h8chu.
@solangel: I kinda thought it was funny too....but only 'cause I hate Avril.
P.S. The commenters on The Skinny Website are complete idiots.
But it could also be that i h8 Avril. (hehe)
I've always wanted to be a feminist lesbian ya'll. Cuz if periods ain't natural, neither is sucking cock.
Pregnant or not Aguilera grosses me out with that disgusting mask she always wears. I read she even wore that hooker makeup into the delivery room.
Jane will personally punish the last dude by tying him down and performing "Muffin Top" for 24 hours straight.
@knitsandwich: Agreed. Talking about the "food?" Ok. Some silly product for kids? Fine. But dude. Who over the age of 12 calls breasts tater tots?
Also, I feel like Rian needs a hug and some healthy girl time over a pint of ice cream.
t8tr tots... i actually think that's kinda funny. sorry.
@ineffable.me: I found it derivative and stupid, not gross really. It's like those super skinny women who get pregnant and get a plaster cast made of their baby bump and nail it up on their living room wall. It's as if they are announcing to the world ...
"Tee Hee! Can you believe I was actually fat once? Oh, how I suffered!"
Blammos? That's a new one for me.
Rian WOULD ask y'all to quit writing about her. Because she is A) A spineless fucking pussy-ass and B) too stupid and amateurish to know that any publicity is good publicity.
@langtry: I thought it was gross because it sexualized her in a really trashy, gross way. I'm not saying that pregnant woman can't be sexual, but the way she looked in that cover was just ew ew ew. I would probably object to it if she wasnt pregnant too.
oh and i thought the xtina cover was kinda gross, but mostly because i think the whole "i'm naked and pregnant" thing is kinda icky. pregnant women can be and often are beautiful, but it still just kinda icks me out when celebrities think i'm interested in seeing their naked pregnant bodies. like not even in pregnancy can some women avoid objectifying themselves.
Michael K, oh no! I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I bet it wasn't a shot at pregnancy.
And Jane Krakowski is fucking hot.
totes having gross anatomy flashbacks right now. ew.
much rather be having period sex.
pithy! you can see dodai's celebrity rag roots.
@ineffable.me: It was also bad because it was a copy of a million other, better covers. If you're going to rip something off, at least do it well.
I bet Rian is just glad of the extra hits her shitty, shitty site gets. Blech.
@rocknrollunicorn: I'm sure the good Mr. K was more grossed out by the fact that she was so orange than as to the baby bump. He's got a long standing hate of the Xtina, so I don't think it was a pregnancy dig.
@ineffable.me: But all of those model/singer/actress types think that it's sexy 'cause Demi did it. I think it's derivative b/c it seems like every Starlet has done the nudie pregnant picture, and stupid because they have no idea they are objectifying themselves (as you said so much better than I).
@ExtensionOfBob: i didn't even know people under the age of 12 called breasts "tater tots". wtf?
So just how important is tooth retention to you?
also- in addition to her website focused around celebrity weight fluctuations, the lady runs a website focused around "chick-lit". not the gum with the delicious candy coating, but those terrible books about shoes.
Can I tie Drunken Stepfather up and force-feed him my dirty tampons?
I know he's just being "funny" and "satirical," but it is neither funny nor satirical.
Michael K is the only gay in my life, living where I do, and since we have such a personal relationship, I feel I must defend him: it was the mystictan and the 27 layers of makeup, not the pregnant. But even if it were, he hates on everyone, so it's ok.
I too must put in my word in defense of Michael K. He never specifically said that the pregnancy looked ugly, only the photos. He often makes fun of her orange skin and overly made-up face, and girlfriend has both those things going on in that photo.
I hereby appeal Michael's conviction on insufficiency of the evidence.
@TruculentandUnreliable: Ugh. Drunken Stepfather uses "funny" and "satirical" in the same way that GWB uses "patriotic": Simply as an excuse for being an aggressive assbag.
I'm going to start calling mine "blammos."
T8r Tots was kind of hilarious....and Michael K from dlisted should automatically be forgiven because as someone said--the cover DID look gross, plus he's one of the few celeb bloggers who is actually awesome.
I hope drunken stepfather gets hit by a freight train. what a douche.
Michael K can't do anything wrong even if he tried. Jezebel misunderstanding -- call off your dogs.
I thought the Christina shoot in MC was gorgeous, although I'm with y'all on her terrifying fake tan/makeup level. But the photos inside I considered hanging on my wall, until I realized how terminally weird that would be.
BACK OFF MICHAEL K.
Love ya!
@Pancakelover:
exactly..
Oh Michael K meant no harm. He loves pregnancy because of the massive tatters girls get. When Salma was pregnant, jeebus, he was all over her boobs, I almost thought he was straight for a minute! But as previously mentioned, Michael K has no love for Xtina. Too orange for his tastes.
i really thought that christina wouldn't objectify herself for at least as long as her pregnancy lasted. as soon as i saw that cover, i cringed and realized that some people can't handle not sexualizing everything to a weird and creepy degree.
pregnancy is wonderful, but it was like she used it to go to a new and gross sexual fetish stage never before seen.
As a rather accomplished practitioner of the snark, I really want to put the smack down on Rian and her twisted site. But I can't help picturing a sad, lonely, self-hating pubescent girl at her computer obsessing over celebrity BMIs and her largely blank food log of the five calories she wishes she hadn't consumed. Poor thing needs someone to do an intervention for her.
God I loved Kristen Bell's dress in that link!
There should be a sic after 'period's' as well. Apostrophes do not mean the word is a plural now! And also, it makes him look even stupider.
@Dr. Spaceman: How go the battles with the powerful bread lobby?
I really had to restrain myself from a ME WANT FOOD reference. I lost.
"Blammos?!" Hahaha! Seriously, never heard that one before but it sounds like something a confused six year old would say. Which is probably about right, given the source,
I can't quite figure out how I feel about Drunken Stepfather--he's pretty clearly a piece of performance art, as it were, but then he does sometimes say things I think are over the already-quite-far-out-there line. Plus, the fact that he's scared of Slut Machine makes me think of him as Jezebel's hopelessly dorky younger brother who just wants to get a rise out of us by saying stupid shit, so I keep reading his excerpts here and going "oh, has your voice changed yet? Back to your dungeonmaster's guide, sweetie."
We just want Rian (who e-mailed us recently to ask us to stop writing about her, then turned around and apologized and said "never mind")
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAhAHAHAHAHA! What a stupid, fucking little shit. She wants y'all to stop writing about her writing about other people!?!?!?! For serious!?!?
This Friday just got glorious. I mean, I hear angels singing and shit.
Oh, Rian, you're so dumb.
@TruculentandUnreliable: Hey, want to take up a biohazard-laden collection of used tampons for the express purpose of making the drunk stepdickwad choke on them to death?!
Seeing that SOB suffer is SO a good enough reason for public service like that, yo.
Anybody who calls them Blammos has never seen or touched em.