Last night's debate was pretty boring, as the two remaining mainstream candidates (remember Mike Gravel? He's still running but they didn't let him into this debate either) were both supernice and very wonky, which is probably why most of America — Barry included — started to doze off until the cameramen started cutting away to show all the celebrities in the audience! Who were, naturally, all dressed to the nines because debates are the new awards shows since there aren't any awards shows and Hollywood needs its collective circle jerks to sleep at night. So, there are pictures to entertain you and Moe and I — yeah, it's Megan writing this intro because Moe had some coffee bean explosion she had to tend to, we don't call it "crappy" for nothing, kids — present a special late night (see: drunken) version of Crappy Hour.
MOE: I've really been thinking hard about how losing weight could stave off a foot amputation
MOE:Maybe this is a big problem in the other America I've been hearing about. People get so fat, they lose their immune system, but only in their feet, and they can't feel it when the flesh eating bacteria start eating away at them because they are so sedentary and so lazy on top of being sedentary that they never peel off their socks to see what's down there. I am that lazy.
Also, i worked on a conference at APEC. there's no really good evidence that preventative care saves money. the theory is that it staves off morbidity, which it does, and reduced the amount of end-of-life car. but in a society that lets you retire at 65, it ends up costing the economy, actually
so, barack's argument that it's a moral responsibility is better
and what he just said it correct about electronic medical records
MOE:That's a really good point. New York City supposedly has a higher lifespan than the rest of the country, which I attribute almost wholly to the fact that no one except me seems to have a sedentary lifestyle here because it's definitely not the higher rates of smoking, drinking and the contagious diseases they ought to be exposed to, but the insurance premiums here have got to be the highest in the country...anyway, that's gotta be what Brandy's talking about right now, yeah?
MEGAN: they are. also, there are some crazy reasons for that. like, that the state government requires that every person in a state-regulated insurance plan must be covered for tubal ligation reversal
MOE:But over the long run preventative care will be a cost saver, because people are, realistically, going to stop retiring at 65. I actually think the tremendous amount of paranoia our generation has about aging — how to age smart, how to keep your brain from deteriorating, the importance of exercise etc. etc. — will make us better, thriftier agers. I could be wrong though.
My own parents, after dealing with their parents, have mercifully promised to shoot themselves the minute they show symptoms of dementia.
MEGAN: Ha. Well, that's one way.
I mean, there's a real question of whether eliminating preventable disease actually reduced health care costs. like, it obviously reduces early death (function of government?) but, if you live longer, are you, in the ender, sicker less? i mean, we used to think that smokers weren't a drain on the system because they died earlier/faster, but that's untrue. so, don't sell me on preventative care because it "saves" money. sell me on it because it's why i pay fucking taxes.
MOE:Obama just did something kind of genius there
MOE:Where he was like "Look, the only reason I am bringing up the fact that you've talked out of both sides of your mouth there is to point out that it's a difficult issue politically..."
MEGAN: is every fucking actor in hollywood in that audience?
HAHAHA, the democratic debates are brought to you by the coal companies!!
MOE:Subtext: that is not something that Miss Points Scorer here would acknowledge to y'all....
MEGAN: she got a little of her own, but she needs to watch herself be smug on camera and then not do it anymore. she needs tyra
MOE:oooh commercial break! fun fact: I have three of those environmentally friendly lightbulbs they're advertising at use in my house. I got them for free at a taping of Martha Stewart featuring BILL CLINTON. I went with Jennie. Jennie went crazy.
MEGAN: i bought one at ikea. it gave me a headache
MOE:I think I would like HIllary a lot more if she looked like she was actually listening to him as opposed to smirking contemptuously. He's very good with the writing down notes while she's talking thing.
MEGAN: Whoa, great start to the answer on that dynasty thing... but then she was like, no one has an advantage? Please.
MEGAN: like, i was really impressed when i started typing
AND NOW SHE'S CITING HER HUSBAND'S ACHIEVEMENTS. and i really wanted to like that answer
MOE: I'm surprised she knocked GHWB. For one thing, they didn't...uh...really "clean up." I mean, Bill didn't even have to change Fed chairmen! But it was also funny after Bill promised to send GHWB out as a goodwill ambassador the day she gets elected or whatever.
MEGAN: ha, yes, that was bad
MOE:But anyway, she just sort of conflicted herself. You know what she should have done?
MEGAN: she should've stuck the the spirit of her first 30 seconds?
and not gone for the easy applause line?
MOE:She should have said, "It is a shame, but George W. Bush was nothing like his father, and I think history will agree that he fell drastically short of him. I, on the other hand, intend to be an even better president than my husband."
MEGAN: that would've been awesome
MOE:Yeah, it really would have. And I'd sit up, and I'd fucking believe it, too, because she doesn't get carried away. Reading that story today about his little jaunt to Kazakhstan was like...whooooah dude. You really do not think beyond the moment.
Did you read that story?
MEGAN: no, i was a little occupied.
"Senator Clinton, that was a swipe at you." "Really?"
MEGAN: Maxine Waters is the Congresswoman for a good part of actual Hollywood, btw
MOE:Right i think I voted for her once
MEGAN: i applied for a job with her, and she never returned my call
MOE: Topher Grace
God imagine the AFTERPARTIES
MOE:oh my GOD Obama tells the girls they'll get a dog if he wins
HOW COULD YOU VOTE AGAINST HIM TUESEDAY
MEGAN: Those little girls do need a puppy
MOE:THE GIRLS NEED THEIR DOG
it would be stinky and snore-y just like daddy!
MEGAN: i wanna puppy. if barack promises me a puppy, i'll vote for him
dude, barry looks like he's falling asleep right now i felt the same way
MOE:Oh man. He really does.
I should send them some adderall. Can't one of his kids get a prescription?
MEGAN: look at the blinking!! he's a bored as the rest of us!!
MOE:This is a reeeeeeally civil debate. And civil = boring. GOP debates are sooooo much funner.
wolf just called hills naive though
MOE:One thing I appreciate about the debates is new commercials. I can't decide which regular CNN commercials are more annoying. There's the Macbook Air commercial, the New York Times weekender commercial, this commercial for... an insurance company or something that has this whiney song that sounds like it's by Sarah MacLachlan... oh yeah, and the fucking JUNO commercial that never ceases. Are the old folks who watch CNN all day really interested in seeing Juno like seven times? Bc otherwise I don't geti t.
MEGAN: fuck, watched fox news all week. every commercial break has an "invest in gold" commercial
MOE:Aaaah the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
"if you can't control your husband now, what about when you're in office" HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
MEGAN: her laugh isn't so bad
MOE:It's just still really forced and GRATUITOUS.
MEGAN: hillary is proud of her spouse?
wait, Josh from the West Wing? Fran Drescher?
MOE:Oooooh, Fran Drescher? There's no picture of her. But I'm saving a pic of West Wing dude who is married to Jane Kazmarek from Malcolm In The Middle and naming it westwingdude.jpg.
Anyway, dear Hillary, this is the part where you say: "Look, my husband. I've been with him eighty years or whatever. He goes off sometimes. He's a man. I tend to be more careful when I speak. We're different people. But we've made each other better over time and that will only continue."
She could use a little Michelle coaching.
MEGAN: Please, Hillary doesn't want any more Yes-people in the White House? Is she not going to hire everyone in her Senate office or on her campaign staff?
MOE:Hahaha I just went to Perez Hilton to see if he had any JUICY CELEB DEBATE pix up. And he has a post that says "Are you watching the debate? Click for a recap here" And I was sooooo hoping to click for the Perez liveblog, but it was just a boring CNN story.
ooh, ooh, chelsea's dress!! so cute!
MOE:SHIT. I missed it.
MEGAN: it was a navy blue shirt dress, probs cotton, with big buttons, a-line skirt
MOE:there's a pic on the AP
MEGAN: it's cute, right? also, i love her colorist. props to her colorist
MOE:i need an appointment with her colorist. I have $400 from the stimulus package!
MOE:So Bill Bennett declared victory for Hillary. I didn't see that? Is it my mulatto-colored glasses??
MEGAN: Or it's Bill Bennett?
MOE:Aaaaaaah sick premature infant what is this???? Turning off the CNN.
MOE:Obviously I am just using my racism as an excuse for my misogyny, but is it working?
MEGAN: oh, i dunno. i've had a bottle of wine i know that you're kidding
MOE:Good, that's good you know that I'm kidding. I have to stop watching this sickly infant program.
MEGAN: STOP! the daily show is on!