Jezebel

You are killing me with this shit.

Hahahahaha... Dolly Dimple... hahahaha.

Er, I don't think Dear Husband needs to be extending too many acts of courtesy to any of my girlfriends, regardless of their charms.

Also printed as "How to be your own wing man: a guide for adulterous husbands." Which chapter is "Top Hats and Hitler Mustaches: Ladies Love a Dictatorial Dandy"?

Mmmmm that Miss Dolly Dimple sure knows how to get my steam engine running.

Ms. Prudence Dowdy! Why would even invite her over? She sounds like a drag.

I'm only talking to the friends hot enough to cheat with!

That way, your wife won't be able to figure out which of her friends you're having the affair with. Smart!

Miss Dolly Dimple! Oh, I might have to change my user name... Miss Prudence Dowdy is hilarious, too. But Dolly Dimple! That's like a porn actressey name.

It should be entitled "How to make everyone think you're a gay man 75 years from now."

I hear Dolly Dimple is a royal bitch and Prudence Howdy plays a mean game of Boggle. I think I'll take my chances on Pru.

Then again, I am Hortense, the librarian. So what the hell do I know.

@collegecallgirl: Sounds like a role Katherine Hepburn might have played in some B-movie.

@AbbyNormal: Miss Prudence Dowdy is a great screen name.

This reminds me of the time my Dad wrote a novel and the main characters were named "Mace Manley" and "Honey Hunnicut."

@hortense:
Are you really Hortense the librarian? That is beyond charming. Edward Gorey would be thrilled.

@collegecallgirl: HA! Excerpts, please!

@beckyiva: Exactly! It may as well say: "Dear Husbands, flirt shamelessly with all of your wife's friends. Even ugly chicks deserve to get hit on."

@BringBackTheBustle: I am really the librarian. Sadly, I am not really the Hortense. Being born in the early 80's takes the odds of "Hortense" down a few levels.

Miss Dowdy, madam. *tips top hat* I say, you are looking positively scrumdumptious in that new petticoat. *twiddles big, bushy moustache and extends arm* Shall I escort you back to your parlor for a game of Tiddlywinks? *winks*

@hortense: But Hortense is a fab chosen name. Love it very much.

@hortense: If i could be anything, I'd be a librarian. But I don't think its an easy job to find...

I used to have a copy of Emily Post's etiquette (published around the same time) and there were a lot of silly, hilarious names about this. "Mrs. Grundy," as I recall, was a sort of killjoy just waiting for an innocent young girl or bewildered new married to make some hideous and life-destroying mistake.

@cupcakesofdeath: Oh me, sir, you are the living end! The very end! Might I respond by saying you do look dashing in your fine hat and dandy slacks. You know every which way to charm a woman. But won't your wife, my dear friend Abigail Ignoramus, be twice a mite suspicious?
O woe me, my helpless heart is captive to your brawny arms! Your tiddlywinks are legendary; I beg of you sir, tiddle my winks! Tiddle them hard! But sayeth nothing to our dearest Abby!

I like how wives in the old days were cool with you just cavorting around with Miss Molly Dimple at any old time of night.

30s girls rocked.

@mbprice: @cupcakesofdeath:
Please collaborate and perform this as a one act at Boston Jezzie Cocktail hour.

@mbprice: My lady, this evening dear Abby shall be at her weekly church group, crocheting a chastity quilt for the town strumpet. she is so devoted to sealing that poor woman's loins. no, our parlor games shall not be discovered. now, come climb into my carriage.

@mbprice: You, good sir, are quite the cunning linguist! Care to accompany me to the haberdashery where we can make much mirth and merry and dissect the pretentiousness of Decemberists lyrics?

@collegecallgirl: That sounds so awesome!

@mbprice: I have a bottle of the finest hootch in my trousers.

I have a feeling I'm more of a Prudence Dowdy than a Dolly Dimple. =(

And what of Miss Polly Pimple? Bless her heart.

This just reminds me of that joke on the Family Guy. Peter has to watch a movie about women in the workforce from the 50s with advice such as...

"Compliment her appearance, even if she's homely and unkempt. *calling to worker* That's great Mabel, and you're prettier than Mamie VanDoren. And remember, nothing says 'job well done' like a firm, open palmed slap on the behind."

@cupcakesofdeath: @BringBackTheBustle: Strange how our lovely Ms. Cupcakes plays this role of Male Cad so well, and I slip so easily into Prudence Dowdy the Secret Whore. Freud could write a book.
@BiscuitDoughJones: Those fine boys with their harpsichords and whistles and stringed contraptions? Why I've never heard such a ruckus in my life! And to have such din accompanied by preposterous vocal ejaculations intended to evoke a distant era? Those blunderbusses have not one drop of shame! Yes, let's to the haberdashery! Forthwith!

@mbprice: I would pay to see this movie. It would be like "Shop Around the Corner" but in color.

@mbprice: Victorian porn gives me the vapors.

@notaclevername: Oh, how I love that movie! I really hate You've Got Mail as a result. Meg Ryan is no Margaret Sullivan.

@cupcakesofdeath: @mbprice: You guys are killing me! HAH!

@bigleggedwoman: She'll marry Wally Wimple, and all will be lovely and prim.

Oh my. You bitches are so awesome.

@mbprice: can't...stop...laughing...

@MsDirector: It's even better if you imagine my avatar Mr. Darwin saying it. Trust me.

God, it's like this book has looked into my very soul.

@mbprice: I have a *little* bit of a tendency to imagine everyone on Jezebel as their avatars. So, you know, I think of Hortense as the skull figure standing with the Gashleycrumb Tinies (did I spell that right? I'm a Gorey fan so I hope so), and you as Mr. Darwin, and BiscuitDoughJones as a cartoon panda...

As for myself, I'm actually a muppet.

@MsDirector: hey, me too!

Does that make me Patsy from AbFab? I hope so!

@MissCricket: Yay! Muppets unite!

Since I get to play Maria Callas, I'm all for it. Make it so, Msdirector, make it so.

@MsDirector: So I get to be the Renaissance Queen of France accused of murdering all the Hugonauts? Awesome.

@bigleggedwoman: Let's hope that Miss Pimple hooks up with Mr. Gawky McLargeorgan. That will teach those whom created her from an anthropomorphized physical flaw!

@BringBackTheBustle: Hahaha. Oh my God. You made me laugh so hard. "How to be a dictatorial dandy." Classic!

I do have a question though: why the hell is anyone reprinting this? It better be coffee table book sized or I'm not buying it.
Seems like a waste of paper - although the quote is very funny.

@MsDirector: That's 'cuz the muppets rock. I'd rather have Animal in my band than the drummers I have to find, sometimes.