Jezebel
Every Wednesday we do Midweek Madness, a delicious look at the latest artery-clogging celebrity tabloids; this week, newly-pregnant Angelina Jolie wins 3 of 5 covers, with the other two devoted to the late Heath Ledger — and his relationship with Mary-Kate Olsen. (Last week, Life & Style and Star had frighteningly similar covers; this week it's Life & Style and OK!.) Anyway, the news that knocked-up Angie has been craving crap like Oreos and Doritos made us hungry for junky snack foods, so join us (and the amazing Intern Sharon) as we look for sugary crumbs of gossip inside Star, In Touch, Us, OK! and Life & Style.. all after the jump.
OK!
"Yes, Angie's Pregnant!" At the SAG awards ceremony, Angelina had morning sickness in the evening, says someone working the event. "I thought she was going to lose it right there at the table." She had her food taken away and Brad had his taken away too. As for other pregnancies, Cash Warren says fiancee Jessica Alba "gets cranky when she's hungry." Who doesn't? In other news, Mary-Kate was seen out dancing to a band two days after Heath Ledger was found dead. A friend says in 2006, Heath was hanging out in a hotel and "drank everything in the mini bar" and was looking for cocaine. But when he was high Heath talked about how much he loved Matilda and said he loved Michelle but couldn't see himself marrying her. Plus, some think Nicole Richie is a little blue after having her baby, but will turn to work: She's going to put out an album, a jewelry line and a style book.
Grade: F (Sno Balls)
Us
"Heath Ledger's Secret Struggles." Sources say Heath Ledger would drink to get drunk and that Michelle Williams wanted him to get drug-tested before she'd let him spend time with Matilda. Also, she drove him to Promises rehab in Malibu and he wouldn't get out of the car — he swore he'd clean up on his own. In Britney news, she may be finally getting help: Sam Lutfi told Barbara Walters that she's been to a psychiatrist and is maybe starting some kind of treatment. (But Britney had an attitude about it and wasn't taking it seriously.) Monday, Britney's mother tried to get her to go to an in-patient psychiatric facility and Britney refused, sneaked away and asked Adnan Ghalib to come pick her up. Also inside: Kate Moss is planning legal action against UK tabloid News Of The Word because the paper reported that she celebrated her birthday with an orgy.
Grade: D- (Honey Bun)
Life & Style
"Angelina's Dangerous Pregnancy." The magazine has some random ob/gyn named Randy Fink say things like Angelina could go into pre-term labor, suffer from high blood pressure or have "extra stretching of abdominal skin." Isn't that stuff applicable to any pregnant woman? The mag also notes that Angie was "alarmingly skinny" just a few months ago. What else? Britney Spears went to see 27 Dresses and left the theater in tears! Her mom, Lynne Spears, is trying to juggle Jamie Lynn and Britney's demands: Britney says she feels like she can't get her boys back without her mom's help, but Lynne says "Jamie Lynn's my baby and I will always be there for her." Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn bought her baby daddy a used truck: Her dad wasn't happy with the old truck her boyfriend was driving his daughter around in, so they went to get something nicer. In Heath news: Matilda Ledger is "The Baby Heath Left Behind" : A L.A. neighbor says "he was such a good dad, he taught Matilda to swim in our pool." Another source says that after Michelle kicked Heath out, his drug use got worse than ever. As for Mary-Kate, she's been spotted at several NYC bars and nightspots and insiders says he partly blames herself for Heath's death because she partied with him. Lastly, Nicole Richie is so thin "looks like she was never pregnant" ; Tori Spelling is pregnant again, and motherhood is changing Nicole Kidman; an insider says "It's as if Nicole's face is suddenly thawing." Sweet.
Grade: D (pork rinds)
In Touch
"What Mary-Kate Knows" Lots more here about MK calling her bodyguard instead of 911. Also, apparently Heath had a bit of a late night before he died; his last phone call was made at 2:20 A.M. and his blood alcohol level was high. In other news: Madonna has mysterious bruises under her eyes and it could be from a filler called Sculptra, which causes more bruising than Botox or Resytlane. Or it could be lower eyelid surgery! Madge turns 50 in August, maybe she wants to look ageless? Plus,Angelina will have three more babies this year: Angie is pregnant with twins — twins run in the Pitt family; Brad's sister has twins — and also the couple still plans to adopt an Ethiopian girl they had their eye before Angie got knocked up. And Matthew McConaughey says of his unborn spawn: "He or she will hang out at the beach and go on hikes wearing wild bandanas." Lastly, The List this week is "They Hooked Up With The Help" — Usher fell in love with a stylist; Ethan Hawke is dating the nanny; Patrick Dempsey married his hair stylist.
Grade: D (quarter water; aka sugary "juice" in a plastic barrel)
Star
"Yes, It's True!" Angelina's having twins! During the Critics' Choice awards, she ordered Oreos and Doritos, even though they weren't on the menu. The mag says Angie and Brad tried to conceive a few times before the in vitro took. Also: Portia de Rossi has been ignoring Ellen DeGeneres because she's addicted to Guitar Hero III and Halle Berry is anxious about being knocked up and doesn't want to appear matronly so she's looking for designer ensembles she can wear instead of maternity clothes. In other news, John Mayer has had a thing for Paula Abdul for years but is weird and shy about it and Tom Cruise saved a hawk! He heard the bird was struck by a car in Arizona and had his private jet pick it up and fly it to a hawk sanctuary in Colorado for treatment. More: Nine out of ten nurses at Cedars-Sinai preferred Nicole Richie to Christina Aguilera because Nicole bought other mothers "push presents" and had people in "stitches" with her humor. (They were happy to see Christina go.) Heath news: Mary Kate Olsen was obsessed with Heath Ledger; she thought he was a great mix of deep thinking sexuality; they would hook up in L.A. hotels or Heath's apartment in New York. The New York Post's Cindy Adams admits that she knows nothing about the circumstances around Heath's death — but knows that some stars have private security show up at a scene before the cops to get rid of illegal substances. Sigh. Lastly, Miley Cyrus, 15, is having trouble with her high-stress lifestyle! Sometimes she can't even eat and almost passes out on stage. She thinks she looks fat in fan pictures and that her legs and face are "all jiggly" to fans in the first row at concerts.
Grade: C (Twinkies)
Comments
Re: Portia ignoring Ellen in favor of Guitar Hero-- it's really true! Stars are just like us!
What the heck is wrong with Sno Balls?
Also, the stories this week seem exponentially more tame than usual.
My favorite headline - from Star "The night she told Brad - We Did It!"...makes me think of him passed out drunk and her taking advantage of him. Guess what honey? We had sex again!
Anyway, I doubt she's super excited after her "blob" comments about Shiloh.
I was grooving to Ben Harper songs last night on YouTube, and then I stumbled on one that had been directed by Heath. Sad face.
Am I the only one who hopes Matthew McConaughey's kid is going to be Alex P. Keaton? What hijinks will ensue when the kid goes to the beach in a suit?
quarter water; aka sugary "juice" in a plastic barrel. Oh my shit. Are those things still around??
Also, Oh Miley. You're cute. Your fanbase is not judging you.
The line "The Baby He Left Behind" makes me never want to read L&S again. Effing leave Matilda alone!
Nicoles face is thawing because she can no longer freeze it with botox.
"Angelina could go into pre-term labor, suffer from high blood pressure or have 'extra stretching of abdominal skin.'"
A pregnant woman, usually quite thin, may have extra stretching of her abdominal skin? EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!!
the item about Tom Cruise saving a hawk made me laugh out loud. That guy....what CAN'T he do!?!? (besides act and be sane)
umm, in-vitro? when the fuck would she have time? and also, don't the fertility drugs make you chunky and cranky? clearly, i seek logic where none may be found.
leave Matilda alone!!
I hope we never hear about Nicole R. every again now that she has a baby.
@debbieglibson: That blob thing was taken way out of proportion. Babies are blobs, cute balls of fat and dimples. It's not like she said she was retarded. Don't get me wrong though I hate the woman.
Why would Angelina need in vitro? She's only 32, and I assume Shiloh was naturally conceived since she's Brad's spitting image.
I swear to God Heath just died of an aneurysm or something and all of these tabloids are going to look like the NASTY VICIOUS SLANDERERS THEY ARE.
Argh.
Did US put a recent (like, post-Heath) picture of Michelle and Matilda on the cover?? Motherfuckers.
I want to know what the grade A and B of snack foods are.
Also, do we have actual confirmation of the Jolie-Pitt pregnancy?
Cranky when hungry? Girlfriend looks like she had her last meal in 1999 then.
Everybody is getting pregnant! Jeebus! I'm glad at least that Angie's fetus is taking some covers away from Heath and all the rumors. So this week isn't too bad, I guess.
Still waiting for an US Weekly cover on "WHY I DECIDED TO GET AN ABORTION."
Also, I hope at some point Angie and Brad stop having babies. I know, they can afford them, but the more kids you have, the less attention you can pay to each of them. I hope her statement about "we'll probably crap out around seven to nine" is right.
Although they are liberal and peace-loving and still have lotsa babies. That's cool. Better than those Duggars, who have 17 kids because "the lord" keeps "giving them" to the woman. I saw a description of them as "selfish, baby-drunk people" and I think that's pretty right. The kids raise each other in pairs because mom has to focus on the baby. And of course the daddy is named Jim Bob.
@katastic: YES!!
And I'm sick of brangelina. Ugh. I really wish they'd just go away.
@charlotte corday: Besides, Ange is only, like, 32. Bitch doesn't need in-vitro. These rags are so fucking pathetic.
seriously? these tabloids are out of control.
how horrible for heath's family and friends to have to see constant reminders of what they lost... especially with all the drug nonsense floating around..
I'm totally convinced MK's security cleared out drugs et al from Heath's apt. I find it strange that supposedly he was a huge drug addict yet nothing was found in his apt other than sleeping pills.
@BiscuitDoughJones: well she looks like she's in horrible shape for getting pregnant, really. Perhaps she couldn't get pregnant "naturally" and they fertized her with Brad's sperm?
"They hooked up with the help." Bwa ha ha ha. And add Jude Law and Robin Williams to that list. I know there's more....
(Cue 'Clean Up Woman' by Betty Wright here.)
@stacyinbean: Nope. it's all speculation based on that poop brown dress. But they needed something because this week was pretty lackluster.
Can they leave the MK/Heath Ledger crap alone. Obviously we'll never know what REALLY happened, period.
"twins run in the Pitt family; Brad's sister has twins"
So Brad is a double ovulator too?! Cool!
@BeteNoir: I thought that the security people and the EMTs got there at like exactly the same time and rode up on the elevator together. OR has that been proven wrong?
@lalaland13: I find the expression "baby-drunk" hilarious.
@eeva: no, i've seen that picture before. it's an old one. People ran a picture of Michelle leaving Sweden on their website though. I haven't seen any new pictures of her with Matilda, but I also haven't been looking for one, so who knows...
QUARTER WATERS ARE THE SHIT.
The deli around the corner from me still sells those. And yes, sometimes I buy one. Orange flavor, thanks.
@eeva: No, that picture is at least a year old.
You made Sno-Balls the "F" snack food? How DARE you. They may have the consistency of a breast implant, but they are globes of awesome rolled in marshmallow wishes and coconut dreams.
@stacyinbean: word. Speculating about it at this point just seems wrong and intrusive. The way the media has jumped on this is disgusting.
@lalaland13: I'm a total conspiracy theorist and am convinced somehow that scene got cleaned up.
@stacyinbean: seriouslt.
Thanks for summing it up for me. Now I won't sneakily buy one of those at the supermarket and hate myself.
And in future news, Miley Cyrus turns to alcohol and cocaine for friendship.
@katastic: We are totes twins on this.
@JessaFields: Almost as funny as the line from Juno, "baby-starved wingnuts."
@lalaland13: The Duggars are so hilarious and scary.
people take that blob thing a little out of context. Most newborns are blobs, they really don't do much but eat, sleep and poop. Her other babies were adopted a little older- so she could interact with them.
Thank you, Tom Cruise, because you, as a Scientologist, was the ONLY one who could help that hawk.
Twins run in Brad's family...what possible bearing could that have on this pregnancy?