John, no one's quite sure what went wrong. Were you just too white, too male? Was it the fact that, as Obama pointed out the other day, you have a "funny accent"? Or that, like Mitt Romney, you were simply too pretty? Was it that dramatic showdown your cancer-stricken wife had with America's Sweetheart, Ann Coulter? On CNN they're saying you were maybe just "too angry"...America's never elected an "angry president," John. Well John, I'm gonna have to go with the haircuts. The fifty gazillion acre estate — that's all part of the American dream. But you know what they say about the haircut economy, John: it gets pumped directly into the butt plug economy, the Streisand afterparty economy and Pride Parade float accessory economy, and in certain cities it even funds the gay wedding economy, if you can imagine that. It's why we love you, John. It's always sad to see a fag like you go.
MEGAN: There you are!
MOE: Shit, I wasn't there?
it looked like I was.
Fuck the modern era.
Now we're short on time and I thought it was your fault but actually it's my fault and I should really just take responsibility for everything because it is me who doesn't actually ever want to get out of bed. It is I who has lost all capacity to feel things and hasn't left my house in 72 straight hours except for like one trip to the bodega. It's me. I'm numb, I don't give a shit anymore, and people are dying in Kenya and I don't know what to say about it.
Oh yes, Kenya: The GDP Is A Little Bit Higher Than The Goldman Sachs Christmas Bonus Pool!
MEGAN: Well, my end of Crappy Hour is brought to you by JC Penney's Flannel sheets and my laptop. Also, I only left the house yesterday because a girl friend made me go out after the guy I was seeing decided he "couldn't" do it anymore. But Kenya is actually even more depressing, I agree.
MOE: So what we learn from that Journal piece is that Kenya has doubled its GDP in recent years thanks to all the coffee and tea but the Kikyu, which was the tribe originally favored by the Brits, most "fresh" and "clean" and entrepreneurial etc. etc., have been making all of that money. So now there is killing and rioting and the one politician who was supposed to be helping solve the problem was just assassinated. What we don't learn, but that we already learned, is that Barack Obama is the son of a Luo tribesman.
So the British would have looked down on him more than they would look down on an ordinary African or something. Good thing they're not still in charge!
MEGAN: The thing that depresses me about Kenya is that the current President was actually the opposition candidate in the last cycle and battled the hand-picked successor of Daniel arap Moi who had not exactly been known for his democraticness and won... and now at the end of his first term he's faking election results to stay in office.
Also, no one is talking about the Masai. One of my roommates in grad school is Masai, so I'm glad her family is probably not yet affected.
MOE: Mother fuck.
My IM keeps fucking up
MEGAN: It seems to keep signing you in and out.
OH MY GOD
CNN is reporting that John Edwards is dropping out today!!
MOE: Anyway, I would love to stay and chat with you about the longstanding tribal stereotypes and tensions of Africa but I'm just going to betray my ignorance, not that I don't do that a lot already.
I was totally trying to make another
This is potentially more interesting. Guess I should turn on my TV.
MEGAN: Well, speaking of Obama, he's apparently not going to endorse anyone.
Edwards, I mean.
MEGAN: Well, he's dropping out because he can't win. But, he's making the announcement at 1:00. I would assume he's not endorsing yet because that would commit his delegates?
MEGAN: He's dropping out in New Orleans, where he started, and then he's going to go to a Habitat project and help out.
MEGAN: Edwards has 26 delegates to date.
MOE: Aw, speaking of Habitat, do you think Jimmy Carter will endorse Obama? OR just continue to find him titillating"? "? And speaking of the south...
The South: Just how racist? This story would seem to indicate that the B that distinguishes a certain presidential candidate from the S in Osama... Uh, well I dunno, but I just spelled B.S.
And why does CNN keep saying "a vice presidency is unlikely." Why is it so goddamn unlikely? It's not like he's never gone there before?
MEGAN: Well, if he's not immediately going to endorse anyone... Plus, he and Kerry hated one another by the end by all reports. He probably just doesn't want to be anyone else's pretty boy again.
MOE: Yeah, but Obama is his own pretty boy...
MEGAN: Too true. People are all abuzz about whether his supporters will switch to Obama or Hillary
MOE: Well either way I hope if he's going to New Orleans he keeps Elizabeth away from all those FEMA trailers emitting formaldehyde or whatever.
MEGAN: Not that FEMA and the EPA didn't conspire to whitewash it or anything.
MOE: Who do you think would fare better in a general election against McCain in the Not-Deep south? Slick Willary or Obama Osama?
And speaking of Hillary, I love how Dana Milbank's mocking take on her mockery of a victory party last night is the most-viewed story on the Washington Post website right now.
MEGAN: That's a hard question, actually.
I watched her on MSNBC last night and was just like, whoa, smug. It was off-putting.
MOE: I love this sentence:
It was a perfect reproduction of an actual victory speech, delivered at a perfectly ersatz celebration at a perfectly pretend location: a faux Italianate palace with lion sculptures, indoor fountains and a commanding view of Interstate 595.
It's like, oh yeah, I've been there!
MEGAN: Until you said 595, I was like... she celebrated her Florida victory on Long Island?
MOE: Can you explain to me, once more, why Clinton has more delegates than Obama if it would seem Obama had won more votes than Clinton thus far? Because I know he got more delegates than her despite his loss in Nevada. I know he got as many delegates as her despite his loss in New Hampshire. I know this has something to do with "Super Delegates" but I actually have no idea what the fuck that means, in that , I don't know how you get the support of a Super Delegate. And now that John Edwards has relinquished his delegates, what happens to them? "If it goes to the Convention..." that preamble I know. But...
MEGAN: Ok, so superdelegates are basically elected officials: Congress members, Senators, ex-Presidents. They get a vote, but they don't have to commit in advance.
And they can change their minds.
So, the reason Hillary's leading if you "count" superdelegates, assuming that they stay committed to her, is that more elected officials have endorsed her.
MOE: Oh, but if you don't count superdelegates, she's not leading.
MEGAN: Yeah, she's only "beating" him by virtue of a 2-to-1 margin on super delegates. In terms of actually regular delegates, he's got 63 and she's got 48.
MOE: So the real question is where Edwards' 38 superdelegates will go.
I have to say: I gave him so much shit, but I don't want the Edwardses, John or his sassy wife, to go away now. I want them to stick around, guest on CNN, teach working people how to understand their mortgages...
MEGAN: Because they don't have to follow his endorsement. His 26 regular delegates have to either vote for him or can be swung to whom he endorses (if he endorses).
I never wanted him to go away. I was sick of him constantly talking about that damn mill, but I liked his ability to talk about poverty and stuff.