Jezebel
Today we learned that regardless of the bountiful abundance of evidence to the contrary, men invariably think they are smarter than women. And women agree with them! (Ahhhhh, could women be any stupider????) Anyhow, that got me thinking about Missdemeanors, the Jezebel feature in which we call out celebrity bloggers for their rampant use of misogynist humor. It was a task fell on me today, because Amelia got a new job, and I struggled with it for two reasons. Namely, 1. I think I am missing the gene that processes how to be "offended" and 2. "misogynist humor" is an oxymoron. Right? I mean, you can be a misogynist, and you can be funny. But can you be both at the same time? Have any of you ever laughed at a joke that was genuinely derived from a misogynistic set of assumptions/beliefs/values? Only dumbshits do that! And I don't really care about dumbshits on the internet, because none of them are smart. But that's just the problem: many of them believe they are smart anyway. Because they are dudes!
And worsely, females believe them! I know, it's demoralizing. Is it any wonder I'm already drinking?
So, moving on, I had Editorial Assistant Maria scour the gossip sites and pull a few examples of what she found to be misogynistic humor. Instead of going through and sentencing the bloggers to reading Betty Freidan or escorting women at abortion clinics or something like that, I'm just going to comment on how I feel about them. In the future I will try to think up some clever conceit, like writing every post in the voice of Camille Paglia or something, but not today. Today it is FRIDAY.
The Drunken Stepfather
On Britney Spears period stains:
"Periods are pretty fucking unnatural and disgusting even if science tries to trick us into thinking they are normal."
On some pregnant supermodel in a bikini:
Not only does [pregnancy] ruin bodies on all levels and by all levels I pretty much mean the vagina because that's the only part I care about [...] I guess it also screams 'I let dudes cum inside me because I'm a slut who doesn't take her pill properly because I have this deep rooted maternal instinct that needs to be satisfied."
On Some blonde we've never heard of:
I am not sure who told these girls that blonde hair, fake tits, fake tans, tacky short dresses and jacked up lips was beautiful or sexy and I am not sure what kind of fucked up insecurities these bitches had where they felt they had to be blonde hair, fake tits, fake tans, tacky short dresses and jacked up lips to have any self worth.
I kinda like it because when I see it, I know it's a stamp of approval from the porn and stripping industry and that usually means that despite the bitch's attitude that she's some kind of celebrity or more important than me, I know she's nothing by a worthless dirtbag who gets naked for money and whenever a bitch gets naked for money, that means she'll get naked for you for money, now all I need is money.
Okay, so the Drunken Stepfather gets a lot of hate, but I'm kind of obsessed with him, because he is the only person ever mentioned on this site that ever even approaches the "humor" aspect of misogynist humor. See, while misogyny is never funny, sometimes humor that uses the conceit of misogynist assumptions/beliefs/values to satirize said a/b/v, IS kind of funny. I mean, it's not like I LOL-ed at any of the above lines, but they reminded me of how my favorite friend Don says he likes period sex because "it's like my dick killed something." Drunken Stepfather is no Don, obvi. But like, say you were fucking a guy and he objected to period sex on the grounds that "periods are pretty fucking unnatural and disgusting even if science tries to trick us into thinking they are normal." You'd totally LOL then. I mean, wouldn't you? Because, I mean, if it's not a joke, you have really bad taste in dudes, you stupid whore. Hahahaha KIDDING. Which is another thing about DS, he clearly gets carried away. Also, he's drunk. Should I write this column in the persona of the Drunken Stepfather next week? I think I should, but that's probably the beer talking.
Anyway, so in short, DS didn't offend me much this week. Although I did get an LOL from this gem, thanks to Maria.
"Reality is that none of this really matters, she's French and all French girls are whores. They are the only people, other than fags, who think having Anal on the first date is normal." Capitalization in original. Also: Carla Bruni is Italian. Not that it matters.
Ok, onto Egotastic.
I don't know who reads Egotastic, but they ran a gallery of photos of Leelee Sobieski getting out of a car with a star over her crotch this week.
"Of course, the real question is: Panties? Yes or no? Click on the thumbnails to see if Leelee is going all the way, or if she's still a good girl at heart"
This pose apparently has a nickname in the paparazosphere: the "upskirt." I know I am probably like nine years late to this, but I found that fact almost as charming as I did this whole conceit. Doesn't it warm the cockles to think that the practice of shooting a camera up there every time a female with an IMDB entry uncrosses her legs is now so common it has its own pet name? Just wait, next year "upskirt" will have its own entry in the OED.
I Don't Like You In That Way
On Pink's accusations that horse carriages in NYC are abusing the horses:
Yeah. Pink is a woman who looks like a dude, so good luck is trying to get me to listen to anything her ugly ass has to say, no matter how important she thinks she is."
Ugh, seriously? Did I just link to that? That is not a parody? That is for real? Who is this dude? I am trying to figure out a "way" in which I could potentially like him. And all I am thinking is: "waterboarded." He makes my date rapists look like fucking Muhammad Yunus.
Perez Hilton
On Ellen Pompeo
"Where did her boobs go?"
Uh, last I self-loathingly absorbed information about this sort of thing, didn't Ellen Pompeo have one of those eating disorders perpetuated by the entertainment industry's unyielding BMI standards? Would it be so outrageous to give this lady's body a break, since she's probably already clogging all her drains with shedding hair and fainting three times a day in her valiant effort to avoid the fate of having you scrawl FATTCOWPIGGGGGYYYYY!!!! or some such thing across her image?
Oh forget it.
Comments
"Ahhhhh, could women be any stupider????"
Okay, we get it Moe. Why don't you go have a burp'n'fart contest with Cam Diaz and other "Guys Gals" like you?
Sorry, but I can't read past that quote about the pregnant supermodel. Please tell me that no one on god's green earth would actually think that's funny.
Isn't Drunken Stepfather in Montreal? Someone get that French girls quote out to the general population and let the French Canadians rip him apart.
Oh, Moe, lil hearts are shootin' outta my head for you...please pass a beer over this way...thx.
What continually confuses me about Perez Hilton is how he has the BALLS to say anything looking the way he does. And I'm even talking about his body -- just his 13-year-old-emo-boy-who-is-too-stupid-to-know-better hair. He needs to get a haircut, and personal trainer and life before he makes comments about women's bodies.
@HeatherNumber1: Is he? I volunteer to track him down and egg his house!
"Where did her boobs go?"
Perhaps those are hers on your chest, Perez.
Fuck Perez and the rest of them. Michael K. of dlisted is the only celebrity dirtblogger in my life. Equal opportunity shithead and offender. Love him.
I usually look forward to this weekly item, but Moe just doesn't do it justice.
Drunken Stepfather sounds like Carrie's (as in Carrie) mother.
I've decided that I don't like this feature, as it gives those asshats more publicity and money if we link to their sites.
I won't be reading it next week. Such as.
@gracielu: I hear ya. Don't get me wrong, I totes love Moe, but this just isn't the right material for her.
@myrtlebeachbum: I love Michael K. He always makes me laugh.
Perez is simply trying to point out the fact that his natural moobs are bigger than anything the stick-thin actress of Ho'wood haven't paid for. Not that it's bragging rights, and not that I'm defending that bloated bag of gaseous shite.
What I found more offensive this week on Perez (okay, sometimes I read the site, don't judge please) was his giving shit to Lily Allen for going out with her friends instead of sitting at home being miserable about the miscarriage. I was actually surprised not to see that on here. His exact quote was "Well that didn't last long! The morning[sic] is over." Dick.
@gracielu: She really is trying very hard, though.
Moe, dude, you are who you are. In some ways, you remind me of my younger brother, who deals with awkward/painful/hard shit by laughing maniacally. You don't condone any of this BS, but you're not about to get your panties in a wad about it, either. You'll crack open another beer, is what you'll do, and watch the rest of us get our panties in a wad.
It's how we do-do.
Regarding drunken stepfather, I'd like to point out that it doesn't even matter what he says. This is a guy who has taken the nom de plume "drunken stepfather." As I sadly know because of my work, a frightening number of children molested in the home are in fact molested by, go figure, drunken stepfathers, and I think it's safe to assume he meant to evoke that very fact in taking the name. So, yeah, I don't buy that his shit is 'satire.'
Moe is the reason I read Jezebel. Drunken Stepfather is the reason I don't read Drunken Stepfather.
ack! where is your sense of humor people??? Come on they are stupid celebrity bloggers. Is irreverence not a concept we are familiar with. Moe, I enjoyed and would rather that the earnestness was saved for things like actually fucking rapists, or like how evil capitalism is fucking us over as well. hmm, maybe that's just me.
seriously, lighten up, ladies. i think moe did the column some serious justice. being a whiny cry baby about some asshat only shows that the asshat has a better sense of humor than yourself. mmmk.
I like a certain degree of irreverence -- thesuperficial guy can definitely take me by surprise, and in a good, LOL, kind of way. But sometimes, even if they're being self-consciously douche-y, it still makes me feel a little sick. And dirty for participating just by reading.
But on the other hand, sickenly sweet stuff -- like popsugar -- bugs me too. Where's the middle ground between inane and inappropriate?
@skinnybonejones: Nice.
Actually, I don't think women believe it. I think we TRY to believe it, because acquiescence to patriarchal BS is a basic survival skill for a woman, and then our common sense -- based on being able to use both sides of our brains instead of one like men do (neuroscience dweebs don't whine; look it up) kicks in -- and then our brains begin to crack and chip from the cognitive dissonance. And then someone tries to make us mainline SSRIs.
"It's like my dick killed something" made me laugh really, really hard.
You guys need to put thediry.com up on here. Every girl is labeled as fat, ugly, or in need of implants. And there are so many spelling errors it will make you SIC (get it?! HA!)
um, that's thedirTy.com speaking of spelling errors. Yikes.
@skinnybonejones: truest words.
hey, it is what it is. these celeb bloggers have some deep seated shit that goes WAAAAY beyond the surface. it's pretty much why the people who become cops are usually either a) former bullies who are afraid of leaving home because they'd rather be big fish in a small town, or b) people who got wedgies every day in high school/picked on in other sadistic ways who were waiting their whole lives to extact revenge in their adult lives.
sure, they use some misogynistic humor. it's funny sometimes, not so funny at others. are these guys really gonna hit it big and make their momma's proud, or better yet, SEE a vagina in the next century? probs not. take solace in the fact that these dudes are trying to make sense of things just like the rest of us. just not in the most constructive way.
GODDAMN it i'm drunk. carry on. love you guys.
@bananaballs: extact=exact. fuck.
@HeatherNumber1: I think the Montreal connection is a filthy lie. I recall someone coming in here and saying he was one of yours, not one of ours.
Please let that be true!
@skinnybonejones: So uh, is your brother single?
@saradise: If calling out an asshat for being an asshat makes me a whiny crybaby, so be it. I don't think misogyny is funny, even when it's perpetuated through lame jokes.
@Moe: Pay them no mind, Moe. And besides, I call dibs on her brother.
@myrtlebeachbum: I agree, Michael K is the only one to read. As for Perez - where'd your dick go? I bet you haven't seen it in 5 years.
Goldurn, Moe. I love how you write.
Every Friday when I read these, I want to put my fist through my monitor. I am also hyper-sensitive for at least an hour later.
The thing is: I like the "my dick killed something" joke because, aside from the joke, it's in favor of period sex, and doesn't actually insult a woman in any way. Whereas the other thing...yeah, no thanks.
So, does that make me uptight? Judge away.
That period comment is funny b/c it's so freeeeking wrong. <--- that's called dark humor. Which works for the blogospere, but if that guy really treats the women around him like that, I'm sure he's a very lonely lah-oooser! Which is sad, but warranted.
I read all those blogs --Perez kinda sux too much though. DS-funny..sometimes too much but always drunken!. Bastardly.com can be rough and funny---most of the commenters think you need to be 80 pounds or less to have any value. TaxiDriverMovie.com can be rough sometimes --DListed=okay too... or TheGrumpiest.com ---
I usually go to OneDAtaTime.com afterwards to balance out the fucked upness against females --like taking a shower after a gross night I want to forget forever
@gracielu: Word. =(
As for the whole 'Men smarter than women" thing, I defer to Harry Belafonte (who I've been listening to incessantly) and his great, great, great song Man Smart (Woman Smarter).
If you haven't heard it, rush to a second-hand record store and/or iTunes this very instant. It's inappropriate for Denver's -20000 degree winter, but maybe you'll have better luck.
(I lay this entire comment at the feet of the vodka and tonics I've been drinking since I got off of work).
@Moe: moe, if this were facebook i would be sending you a keg. cheers.
Where did her boobs go?
For the new 1 dollar coffee at Starbucks. Duuuuuuuh.
500 LBS? low blow!
yet deserved.
@dancingteacups:
I also volunteer.
@gracielu:
Feel you on that one ... can we lure Amelia back by promising her Perez Hilton's head on a stick? This is the feature that first drew me to Jezebel and, uh, this just doesn't do it for me. I vote E.A. Maria write it, since she did the heavy lifting anyway. Big ups to the under-appreciated editorial assistant (from a former under-appreciated editorial assistant. ...)!