Jezebel
Why is it that menstrual products like tampons, pads, and PMS meds are always marketed to us in the campiest way possible? It's almost as though everyone's so embarrassed about what periods really are that cheesy-ness, euphemisms, and blue liquid are used as distractions from the fact that vaginas actually, you know, bleed. (To paraphrase Alice Cooper.) Up top is an Australian ad from the '80s for Tampax with applicators, starring Naomi Watts, who bemoans all of life's hassles, particularly "that one you don't talk about." But you know how we do: We talk about it...and talk, and talk, and talk. Jeez, you'd think we couldn't get enough of our periods sometimes. Anyway, after the jump check out the gallery of vintage period commercials and print ads we compiled.
First up is a TV spot from the '80s for Always Plus Thin, that has one woman orgasmically exclaiming, "I love thin!"
This '80s Always commercial is advertising the latest innovation in menstruation: Wings.
This is actually a modern tampon ad that's probably one of the best things ever, if only because of the split the cheerleader does, with a full-on crotch shot right in front of the camera. It's for Playtex Sport. (BTW, what the fuck is a "sport" tampon?)
Here's some of that blue liquid for you, circa 1997.
Also from 1997, a Midol ad, in which we learn that "some men think strong opinions are a symptom of PMS."
About 11 years earlier, Midol's advertising was much more science-y.
Another one from the '80s, Premsyn PMS, "for the period before your period before your period."
Here's Courtney Cox in a Tampax in 1985.
From 1981, here's Tampax Plus, with "decorative packaging!"
From 1979, Playtex with deodorant.
This one might be the best of the oldies, since it features the triumvirate of feminine protection ads: Mother, Daughter, and Best Friend.
In this 1981 ad, Brenda Vaccaro managed to land herself a spokesperson deal.
And for shits and giggles, here's the SNL spoof on "Kotex Classic."
Check out this vintage Midol print ad:
From 1974, the copy reads, "Be the you he likes. Good to be around, any day of the month."
And lastly, wouldn't you kill for that futuristic Kotex outfit/box!?
Midol: So Your Boyfriend Won't Dump You [Feministing]
Kotex Gives You Wings [Vintage Ads]
Comments
I think my favorite modern period-related ad is the one for some brand of pads, where this gigantic deluge of blue liquid comes blasting at some chick who is sunbathing and she jumps up and, superhero-style, blocks the blue tsunami with the maxi pad.
Hahaha the word 'napkin' reminds me of Judy Blume.
How did I miss this SNL Kotex thing????? I love it!
Man, I wish I was drunk right now.
I cant see any comments yet, but can someone please explain the need for scented tampons and pads? i dont get it...the SNL add makes me think of the mattresses my mom used to buy for us.
I need the box in the last ad.
Tampax Pearls really bug me. Why do we need to make tampons sound like jewelry? And why would I want to shove pearls up my cooter anyway?
@filleunique: Remember all the belt references in Judy Bloom books? I'm still not 100% sure what one looks like.
@Cam/ron: Ditto. Make it a double.
I used to hate that ad where a woman uses her tampon to plug up a leak in a boat. Why would anyone want a tampon that had that kind of absorption abilities?
However, I've always thought it would be awesome if there was like a commercial where a little Dutch boy uses a tampon to plug up a potentially country-devastating leak. "For the dyke in you!"
Weren't the scented products tied to TSS?
I always loved the douche commercials where a woman asks her mother if douching really helped promote freshness, and the mom has a douche right there, under the table, that she whips out to show daughter. See, that's where I keep my extras, too.
I had fun explaining to my bff (male) in 8th grade that vaginae don't actually bleed, they just leak blood, uterine lining, the shed egg, and tissue. These ads never helped.
I am actually fine with the blue liquid. I also don't want to see the wiping qualities of toilet paper shown in vivid imagery either.
Hahahaha. That is all.
Seem like nothing! work so well! I've got a yeast infection!
@SpecialSpaz: Scented tampons and pads are necessary because a woman's vagina naturally smells like a cesspool. We need flowery douches, tampons, pads and wipes to keep from gagging every man who comes within 10 feet of us.
*Stabbiness directed towards the douchebags who invented Summer's Eve strawberry scented douches.*
I've never used a scented tampon in my life; given my eczema and sensitivity to synthentic fragrances in other products, I'm betting I wouldn't stop itching from a month if I were to use one.
Still better than "Have a happy period"
Anyone else want to punch the ads that say "Have a happy period!"?
There's a gorgeous add that we get with a guy playing with a kitten telling it to "chase the mousie" and teasing it with tampons while his girlfriend looks on in horror and he's all "wha...?".
Another recent one has the new boyf claiming he wants to know everything about his one true luff: how her eyelash curlers work, what a loofah is until she explains to him that the pad has wings to prevent side leakage and he locks himself in the bathroom horrified, telling her she can stop talking now.
Ah. Terrifying the male of the species with the bleeding. Props.
@petuniacat: The belts looked like thongs without any material, just the elastic. They were horribly uncomfortable rubbing inside your crack and that's why I've never worn thongs. Too many raw memories.
@petuniacat: yeah, god forbid your vagina smell like...vagina!!! oh the horror!!!!!!!!!
@petuniacat: I really don't understand why anyone would want their cooter to smell like strawberries, personally. Not to mention the fact that douches are actually really unhealthy and can cause infections.
@eatsshootsleaves: I was laughing at your comment, and then saw your awesome username!
@petuniacat: I remember reading those references, and imagining the horror of life before self-adhesive. Wait-- strawberry-scented douche? My cooter should NOT smell like a smoothie.
I love how Courtney Cox shows foreshadowing of Monica by obsessing about cleanliness during her period. Which of course implies that our vajayjays are gross and dirty during our visit from Aunt Flow, natch.
the damn thing has wings!
@sjct: But, uh, how does the pad attach to the belt? My mom tried to explain this once, too, and I'm still so, so lost. I keep picturing it with little pad-suspenders that attach to the belt.
Wow, those are a lot of feminine product ads.
When I was in High School the school nurse couldnt stock tampons for the TSS factor, which in my opinion is total bullshit, and girls are capable of deciding if that bothers them or not...I for one had been using tampons for like, 4 years. Additionally, the only pads they had were like mattresses, seriously about 1 full inch thick and came in a box covered in people that looked like a cross between precious moments figurines and strawberry shortcake. They even advertised themselves as "beltless" which had me confused for awhile. Did I mention this was in 2003?
@sjct: Ack. Thank gawd someone invented the sticky-backed pad.
@eatsshootsleaves: After using a scented douche like that one time too often, I have the feeling one's cooter wouldn't smell like either a vagina or a strawberry. Rather, I'm betting it would take on the odor associated with a nasty, yeasty infection.
@stpauliegirl: Came across a sticker in a public restroom stall in college telling the user to dispose of 'soiled' feminine hygiene products in the bin. someone crossed out 'soiled' and wrote 'used'. have been angry about the original wording ever since.
My grandpa, in his waning years, had a bit of a prostate problem, and he decided pads would be a good way to deal with his related bladder issues. But, he didn't feel comfortable buying them, so he sent his 80-year-old girlfriend to do it instead. Yeah... because it's so much more normal for an old lady to be buying that stuff.
Also, one of the most awkward moments of my life was explaining to him that the sticky part goes in your undies, not against your skin. I can't even image what that must have felt like.
Ah, memories!
@petuniacat: maybe starwberry yogurt? ohmigodimsogross
@eatsshootsleaves: @AbbyNormal: Sorry - for misleading you all - there's no strawberry scented douche available on drugstore.com. You can, however, make your cooter smell like "sweet romance," "fresh baby powder," "tropical rain," or "island splash."
[www.drugstore.com]
p.s. I love that when I'm on the drugstore.com feminine care page, the text at the top of the screen, next to the blue internet explorer icon reads "Buy Douche Online." I figure some bad gigalos could also be listed?
@eatsshootsleaves: Oh god. So good. I can't stop laughing.
I remember laughing at the wrestling team because they used tampons for when the dudes got nose bleedes.
@petuniacat: Sweet Romance. I'm giggling like a twelve-year-old over here.
@Miss Pelled: Hah! I cringe to even think about that conversation with your grandfather. On a practical level, sticking the sticky part next to the skin would just cause the liquid to roll off, right? I mean, tape's not known for it's absorbancy.
I once knew a guy who told a girl he was seeing that he could smell her period. He didn't understand why she was pissed off.
@petuniacat: Well, strawberry actually sounds better than "sweet romance" or "tropical rain" (so, ozone and earth?) Island Splash is a kind of Hawaiian Punch drink, right? So when a guy smells my Island Splash scented cooter, a little cartoon guy appears and cold cocks him while saying "Wouldn't you like a nice Hawaiian Punch? No? How about Island Splash?"
And I'm going over right now to buy a Douche. I hope they have that Janka fella Moe is always raving about...
(I kid, Moe, I kid!)
@kitschenette: Didn't Victoria's Secret once have a body spray called Sweet Romance? You could match your cooter scent to your perfume scent!
My vagina (picky lil thing that it is) only wants the kind of sweet romance that causes orgasm.
@petuniacat: Yeah, evidently he couldn't understand why his system was working. Or why he couldn't flush the damn things down the toilet.
Maybe he was also a bit senile, now that I think about it...
@Miss Pelled: Why his system WASN'T working, that is.
Evidently I am also a bit senile.
@Miss Pelled: ohmygod, i just snarfed in the library...poor grampa!
@petuniacat: I remember that Victoria's Secret spray. I forget what it smelled like. What does "sweet romance" even smell like? Rose petals and champagne? I'm not so sure if I want the scent of Valentine's Day emanating from my nether regions.
In any case, I'd rather smell like Island Splash than uh, Lysol.
[www.mum.org]
1974, "Be the you he likes. Good to be around, any day of the month."
Did anyone else think the "boyfriend" was a chick at first?
Humm I've been more of an OB kinda girl myself, mostly because I never used tampons until I came to brasil, here they're a nessacity, what with going to the beach almost everyday. But tampons with applicators are so much more expensive, and I'm poor.
1974 Midol ad "Be the you he likes. Good to be around, any day of the month."
Did anyone else, at first glance, think 'wow, that chick is kinda butch?', or was it just me...
sorry, double post.
When I was a kid back in the 70's, Stayfree had commercials with a woman walking down the beach, and a voice over would come and say "Stayfree. Because". Then I'd see these HUGE boxes of Stayfree at the drugstore and think "what the fuck can these things possibly be?" I was totally baffled, and when I finally asked my mom, she just said they're for when you're older. Ahhh, the good old days!
@motokitty: I used to wonder why there were commercials with grown women talking about diapers. No babies in sight! My five-year-old brain was all, "wtf?"
What the hell is a no slip grip? Has anyone eve