Every Wednesday, we get lost in the wild weekly tabloids that we call Midweek Madness. Most of the magazines close their issues on Monday night, so People will have the only celeb weekly cover dealing with the shocking death of Heath Ledger. In the other mags, the Spears family continues to dominate the covers: Jamie Lynn scores two, Britney and her spawn score two as well. (Clean teen Miley Cyrus rounds out the pack.) Intern Sharon helps us navigate the dense thicket of gossip inside of OK!, Life & Style, In Touch, Us and Star. Come with us, after the jump, and don't forget to bring your sense of direction.
Life & Style
"Baby In Danger" The rumor (we never heard) that Jamie Lynn Spears had a miscarriage is false. But the magazine speculated that JLS is stressed, and has had alcohol and smoked in the past so her baby COULD be in danger IF she gives into the temptation of drinking and smoking again. There's also a photo spread accusing JLS of morphing from schoolgirl to vamp "faster than Britney" did. Sigh. Also inside: Britney has been in touch with Chad Hardcastle, a mentor at L.A.'s Oasis Church, and maybe he can save her or something? It's unclear.
Grade: F (sextant)
"Secrets Of The New Power Girls" There aren't really any "secrets" — maybe you didn't know that Miley Cyrus once played hide-and-seek in a hotel — but other than that, yawn. Blake Lively spends all of her money on Chanel. Vanessa Hudgens says: "Right now, I do not like kids at all." Moving on: Britney pulled up to a school in Beverly Hills and tried to pick up someone else's kids; when first asked she said they were hers but then admitted they were her attorney's. She chatted up a bystander, saying, "You're so nice, you should give me your number, I don't have very many friends."
Grade: D- (topographic map)
"I'm Not Crazy". The cover story begins thusly: "The chambermaid at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills was pleasantly surprised by the neat condition of the room that Britney Spears had recently checked out of — until she walked into the bathroom. On the mirror, three words were scrawled in red lipstick: I'm not crazy.'" The mag suggests Brit has HPD, histrionic personality disorder. Intern Sharon says, "They just made that up for her." Also inside: A picture of Jared Leto and Paris Hilton sucking face at Sundance. Speaking of Sundance, celebs are picking up lots of free, expensive shit: Paris got two $30,000 watches and $12,000 worth of jewelry; Audrina Patridge got $500 worth of skin care products; Jessica Alba got $900 worth of boots and $500 in beauty products. Anyway. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are building a "mammoth" home in Leiper's Fork, Tennesee — a town so small it doesn't have its own post office! Jamie Lynn and baby daddy Casey are back on and might get married. J.Lo had a "fabulous" baby shower in an NYC hotel; Halle Berry had a Moroccan-themed baby shower in her L.A. home and got a henna tattoo on her hand! Famous for her teen addictions, Drew Barrymore was seen knocking back sake and lychee martinis and also was photographed smoking a joint in Hawaii. Slippery slope! Lindsay is now on a $1,000-a-day shopping budget. Rough times. "The list" this week is chicks who "fell for jocks": Pink, Posh, Eva Longoria.
Grade: C (road map)
"New Trouble For Boys". In case you hadn't heard, Britney invited some paparazzi back to her house and offered them champagne and leftovers. She ostensibly wanted to talk to them about her new boyfriend Adnan Ghalib but then went into her bedroom and came out wearing different jeans and her pink wig; one of the photogs says: "Her eyes went wide and she was yelling, 'How the fuck did you get in here? Get the fuck out. Sam, get them out. Why are they eating my food?'" Apparently Kevin Federline is worried about the kids — Sean Preston seems well-adjusted but Jayden James will start crying when he sees his mama on TV. Meanwhile, Britney and Adnan had a fight inside of Gaucho Grill when she accused him of setting up shots of them together for his photo agency. She yelled "I hate you" and he made a "dramatic exit" by climbing over the table and knocking over chairs on his way out. My, my. Also inside: Lindsay Lohan plans on writing a memoir; something like Drew Barrymore's Little Girl Lost. Is it for the cash? She borrowed $10,000 from Jackass Steve-O. Jessica Simpson dumped Tony Romo: He thinks she's a diva; she wanted him to move to L.A. because it has the best shoe stores and hair-guru Ken Paves lives and works there.
Grade: C+ (compass)
"Giving Up The Baby" .Jamie Lynn has made the "heartbreaking" decision to let her mom raise the unborn kid in Louisiana. Mom Lynne Spears wants her daughter to still be able to have a career and go to parties, says a source. Also inside: Kirsten Dunst is sad that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon are so serious. "She always thought she and Jake would reunite," says a pal. Courteney Cox gave Jennifer Aniston a $12,000 bicycle made by Chanel. That's what friends are for? Lance Bass hit himself in the head with an upper-body machine at the Equinox Gym in New York; "He was bleeding so badly that an ambulance had to come and take him away." Lindsay was living with galpal Courtenay Semel but has moved into the Beverly Hills Hotel. Plus, she's giving away stuff that reminds her of her druggy past, including her "coke purse" which is made by Chanel. Eric Dane, aka Dr. McSteamy, has high blood pressure and cholesterol off the charts! He's on Lipitor and docs warn he needs to eat right and exercise. Scandal: Disney star Ashley Tisdale's aunt is in a Florida prison for felony drug trafficking. Also: A source says Brad Pitt met a little New Orleans girl who lost her family in the hurricane and he and Angelina may adopt her! Star actually printed the words, "Will they call her Katrina?" Britney has lost 30 lbs. since the MTV Awards due to stress and starvation. Plus, she takes some weird thyroid pills that speed up her metabolism. Tom Cruise's older children, Connor and Isabella, are being raised by Tom's sister Cass. They live with her, she homeschools them and makes their breakfast. But daddy Tom only lives 10 minutes away! "Dr. Phil Exposed" is a story digging up the doc's scandalous past: He seems to have cheated on his wife, was involved in a health club membership scam; and has been accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a patient. Uh-oh. Lastly, in a list of good and bad tippers, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan and Patrick Dempsey are generous; Nicole Kidman, Eva Longoria and Eddie Murphy are not.
Grade: B- (GPS device)