Talking About The Campaign Could Destroy Your Marriage!

It's not just us, commentwhores! The Hillary-Barack beatdown is tearing apart classy dinner parties and wounding friendships and polarizing New York and even rendering marriages icier than...um...your frozen bank account in Second Life, the once-prosperous totally fictional virtual reality universe that has turned into a virtual Steinbeck novel since a rash of bank runs! Okay, and Mitt Romney's sons are devilish pranksters, The Onion pretty much encapsulates everything you need to know about the campaign right now, and Obama is a YouTube sensation. Also, if you were a fan of a certain couple of leading men, you're gonna have to satisfy yourself with the neverending USA Network reruns.

MOE: So I guess we should talk about how the Hillary Obama question is turning all of New York into a raging hormonal adolescent shitshow.

Whoda thunk? I mean, you know, they're both Democrats, they're both about a million times more competent than Bush, they're both incredibly intelligent, talented individuals...Are you seeing this phenomenon down there in our nation's capital??

MEGAN: Oh, sure. I think it's happening everywhere. It's like if you don't support Hillary, you're anti-woman and voting with your cooter, and if you don't support Barack, you're possibly anti-black and voting for the establishment (quasi-Republican) candidate.

Wait, why does that sound familiar?

MOE: Hmmmm... I'm thinking....

MEGAN: I personally enjoy Edwards' statement that he "[represents] the grownup wing of the Democratic party."

OH yeah, he's like the not so elder statesman!
MEGAN: He could be my elder statesman?

MOE: One night I left my phone in a bar. And the next day I went and picked it up. It was a bar I'd never been to, in the East Village, and it was the kind of bar you don't really go to if you've never been there, because it was like, you know, a regulars bar. And I sat down next to this couple, and for the first 15 minutes we were sort of sniffing one another out, talking about our jobs, and the difference between DC and New York. And finally they asked, "So who do you support?" And we realized we all had Obama boners. I stayed there like two more hours while we worked over the whys and wherefores and the pangs of self-doubt and the constant daily HOURLY checks of our consciences, of our dedication to gender equality freedom from media sway etc. etc. involved in that choice. I was really late to what else I was doing next, but it was really therapeutic, like going to the gym, not that I would know. The Obama people are just so much more understanding than the Clinton people. The Clinton people will just sit there rolling their eyes at you and saying, "You're not only a starry eyed misogynist, you are a DELUSIONAL HATER OF WOMEN." Hahahaha or something along those lines.


MOE: And honestly I don't know why I am even talking about that when we still haven't discussed those devilish Romney boys short-sheeting their parents' bed!

MEGAN: Oh. My. God. Short sheeting? Prank phone calls? I think I might need to take back anything I said about finding them hot. A good sense of humor is really important to me... and I don't think that counts.
My ex-boyfriend saw them on CNN with Soledad O'Brien and he said that they were all annoying earnest and oblivious. Sigh.
MOE: Yeah, at 33 years old or whatever, shouldn't Josh Romney have graduated to slightly more sophisticated humor? Whoopee cushions etc. etc.? I mean, we know he has had SEX at least twice at this point.
MEGAN: Hahahaha, like fucking makes a man more mature?
Why, no, I'm not feeling bitter this morning. Why do you asked?
MOE: I thought going to yoga seemed out of character for you.
MEGAN: Actually, I used to go to yoga regularly. And then my life got too stressful. And, yes, I realize the point of yoga is to counteract that, but it required time that I didn't have.
MOE: Yeah, whenever I think about getting into yoga, all the time I would have spent going to class is spent thinking, "Should I really do that? Or would that sort of be a waste of time. Time I could spend wasting...

Anyway, I think we are getting to that point where we concede that all this meaningless political horserace horseshit seems rather petty and insignificant in light of the mysterious death of Heath Ledger...
MEGAN: I will hang my head in shame and admit that every single time I see 10 Things I Hate About You on TV, I cannot not watch it. Every. Single. Time. And I'm not even going to pretend like it's really because I like Taming of the Shrew (which I do).
MOE: Well, they play that movie roughly as often as they play an episode in the Law & Order franchise. (R.I.P. Fred!) I remember feeling so OLD and like WTF when I saw it with my middle school sister, in the THEATER. But Stephen Hunter had given it a glowing review, and I was in this really miserable moment of my life where I thought...well anyway. I definitely wasn't getting laid. 10 Things I Hate About You gave me hope, or a delusions, or something.
MEGAN: It's every bitchy smart girl's fantasy movie. Heath was like the not-bad bad boy. Sigh.
MOE: SWOON.
MEGAN: Plus, who did not want Julia Stiles' hair?
MOE: Julia Stiles has the misfortune of being one of those women who looks kinda better with a mild eating disorder. As for Heath, he apparently always dissed 10 Things in interviews, pointing out its shoddy dialogue etc. etc. But we know he dissed because he loved!
MEGAN: See, the not-bad bad boy! Being mean but intellectual!
MOE: And our final topic: if you think the recession is scary, be glad you don't have a suspended bank account in the virtual reality community Second Life!
There's been a rash of bank runs! It's like the Depression in the Wild West!
It's A (not-so) Wonderful Second Life!
MEGAN: Hell, I'm just thankful for the bank accounts I got! Because, God knows, my 401K is about to start circling the drain.
MOE: Just read this graf and tell me what sticks out to you most:

"Everyone thinks that because you're losing play money, it excuses everything, but it's convertible to real money," says a Second Life player whose avatar is named UpMe Beam. On Sunday night, the female character was wandering topless through the virtual lobby of a Second Life bank called BCX Bank, where a sign said it was "not currently accepting deposits or paying interest."

In real life, UpMe Beam is a man who says that he is a certified public accountant who has audited banks. He wouldn't disclose his name, but says he has been unable to withdraw $5 he deposited in November to see how a Second Life bank works.


MEGAN: Why is everyone in Second Life a dude pretending to be a hot naked chick with huge knockers? Also, if you are a dude pretending to be a hot naked chick with huge knockers, why would you trust anyone in Second Life with $5? And if you are a reporter in Second Life interviewing a hot naked chick who admits to really being a dude who would give a fake back $5, why would you trust that he's a CPA who has audited banks?
My head is hurty now.
MOE: If you were talking about your virtual head, I could send you a virtual analgesic in second life! As soon as they lift the freeze on my Linden dollars... I'll even throw in some implants!