Yesterday, Hillary Clinton promised America financial salvation via thousands of new "green-collar jobs" that would banish poverty while saving the giraffes and puppies and rain forest cafes and also, be created in 90 minutes or less upon her inauguration. Today, we learn that Bill Clinton may make $20 million upon divesting from a business partnership with a billionaire modelizer who liked to fly him around in a private jet they nicknamed "Air Fuck One." Yup, it's Ron Burkle, and it's not clear what Bill ever did to earn all that money or beyond that, how beholden he is at this point to the fossil fuel-collar class of the United Arab Emirates. What we do know is that an hour in a private jet burns as much fuel as a year driving your non-hybrid car to work on your new job installing solar panels and maintaining windmills, so...yeah, "crappy" is right on point to describe our outlook for the economy today!
MEGAN: Good morning!
MOE: Oh look, your icon on my Gchat screen has turned GREEN. The green of MONEY like the kind all our poors will be making once they get the GREEN COLLAR JOBS Hillary Clinton is going to create.
MEGAN: And then the world will be all ok again! Because green is, like, totes a flattering color! And you can always just snap your fingers and create an entire new economy!
MOE: You know who could create some jobs with the $20 million payout he's getting from Ron Burkle? Someone's future First Laddie!!!
Proceeds courtesy WILD OATS!!!
MEGAN: But the real question is: does that mean no more rides for Bill on "Air Fuck One"?
MOE: Okay, GOOGLE BREAK.
One of us should, you know, ACTUALLY READ this story about Ron Burkle and BIll Clinton. And the other of us should figure out what the fuck "green-collar jobs" are and how Hillary is going to motivate businesses to install all those solar panels anyway. What would you rather do?
MEGAN: Well, the "Air Fuck One" bit is in the BRAND NEW afterword to Carl Bernstein's Hillary book that is sitting on my table. But I'll Google that, if you want.
MOE: Wait, wait, WAAAAAAAIIIIIT
slow down a minute, sister.
MEGAN: Awww. I love the word "fuck"
MOE: Tell the feeble mind at the other end of your chat window what you are referencing.
MEGAN: So, Ron Burkle's plane, on which Bill Clinton apparently has taken a bunch of rides, is known among their group of buddies as "Air Fuck One," according to esteemed journalist Carl Bernstein
MOE: Oh! So when Bill says he's divesting from Yucaipa or whatever to "protect his wife's campaign from conflicts of interest" he
is really just protecting the campaign from conflicts of DICKNESS
MEGAN: Well, that, and from accusations that he's crawled as far up the Emiratis' collective asses as the Bushes have crawled up the Saudis'
MOE: He needed to pay off his legal bills!!! Those bitches preyed on him like a payday loan shark preys on a future green collar worker of america!
MEGAN: But green collar jobs are going to pay better! It's the wave of the future and totally not just something some political consultant made up because it sounds good!
Severing the tie to Dubai, a U.S. ally, will remove a potentially tricky problem for Mrs. Clinton. Questions raised about the activities of sovereign wealth funds — giant pools of money controlled by foreign governments — have become a campaign issue, as the funds have made a spate of multibillion-dollar investments in such corporate giants as Citigroup Inc. and Merrill Lynch & Co. In a recent interview with The Wall Street Journal, Mrs. Clinton said such purchases are "a source of concern," partly because the foreign funds "lack transparency" and could be used by foreign governments as "instruments of foreign policy.
From First Lady to Lady Sovereign Wealth Funds!!!!
MEGAN: Wait, does this mean both John Edwards and Hillary Clinton have made boats of money by working for and/or investing in the very kind of businesses they criticize on the campaign trail? I guess it's way easy to know how shady something is if, like Bill Clinton, you did nothing besides show up for meetings and make $20 million.
MOE: The thing is that Bill could have easily associated himself with some sort of financier who was NOT a gross attention-whoring modelizer like Ron Burkle. Someone who at least paid lip service to corporate social responsibility even. He could have joined the Whole Foods Board. He could have become some sort of special counsel to Starbucks and flown all over the world as an ambassador of caffeine addiction. But no, Ron Burkle. For his pussy magnet skills? Probs. Okay, back to green collar jobs. Maybe we should do a calculation. How many solar panels would Hillary's green collar workers have to install to cancel out the ungodly waste of energy consumed in a transcontinental voyage on Air Fuck One?
MEGAN: Off topic, I wonder what the carbon footprint is of a solar panel manufacturer.
And, I think the answer is a lot.
MOE: I think I've decided "green collar jobs" are basically a fictional construct.
MEGAN: I agree. But it sounds good, and that's what's important.
MOE: I mean, the term was made up in the 1970s, and yet their Wikipedia entry is still basically a stub. And yeah, you can say it didn't take off then because the Republicans were the ones with all of the ideas, but I'm still skeptical.
Here it says she got the idea from Pelosi.
MEGAN: I mean, my difficulty with it is the whole blue collar/white collar idea was basically supposed to be kind of a class distinction: those who worked in offices vs. those who worked in factories/with their hands. So, like, "green collar" means what exactly?
Plus, look at you and I. I guarantee that neither of us is wearing a collar of any sort right now. Does that make us a whole class of collarless workers?
MOE: Yeah we are the sweatpants workers
I have not much in the way of carbon footprint, I will tell you that much.
MEGAN: Mine's a little higher because I own a car, but it gets about 35 mpg average and I only buy gas for it every 3 weeks or so.
MOE: I'd like to see the per-capita carbon footprint of Las Vegas, including the fuel burned by all the tourists keeping the whole thing afloat. Oddly though, I don't remember them talking about this whole green collar revolution at the Nevada caucuses!
I guess most of the 35,000 people who are supposed to "benefit" from this legislation are not mostly in Nevada ...
MEGAN: Well, but if they benefited the buffet would have to cost more than $12.95.
Sort of like how most of the anti-illegal immigrant people probs don't spend a lot of time checking the papers of the bus boys at the Old Country Buffet but would balk at a $2.00 upcharge
MOE: Don't you wish a candidate would just get up and say, "Look, if you think things are bad now, I encourage you to mull the dinner the Chinese teenager assembling your television remote gets to return home to tonight. And by home I mean a probably-unheated bunk in a glorified homeless shelter. And by dinner I mean what you would probably consider a 'snack', you fat fucks!" Of course, all of this would be a hell of a lot more sustainable if Hillary managed to cap the salaries of the wealthiest wealthy people — did she threaten to do that last night?
MEGAN: Megan: I'm sure she did, but how is that a good plan? The issue with most wealthy-wealthy people isn't salaries, it's other income, and how do you go after that without going after lottery winners?
But, like "green collar economy" is sounds good, so, you know, whatever.