Jezebel
Osama Bin Laden turns out to have a real-life dreadlocked Eurotrash-looking hippie for an estranged son, and he's organizing, like... a horse race for peace? Or something along those highly pragmatic, Realpolitik lines. Trained in Al Qaeda camps in Afghanistan from a tender age, Omar Osama Bin Laden loves Phish, eastern medicine, and... a surgically enhanced Linda Carter lookalike twice his age named Zaina Jane. Yay, humanity! Not only do they have bona fide "trustafarians" over on the "Jihad" side of the Military Industrial Complex, the cougars of McWorld are gaining traction in their groinal regions! What better way to celebrate this very humanistic holiday. In other news there were some caucuses and primaries and stuff in the desert land of sin and addiction. It's crappy hour, people!
MOE: There are a few issues today.
1. black people (we love you! It's our terrible Web 2.0 corporate overlords that are forcing us to work today)
2. caucus voting irregularities
3. Cindy McCain's outfits
4. Osama Bin Laden's son
5. The economy going to shit, though I think we should wait till tomorrow on that one.
MEGAN: Yeah, the economy will still be crappy tomorrow. Sort of like my mood.
OBL's weird son: married to a cougar. Right on!
MOE: Okay, he is the sixth husband of Lady Jane Felix-Browne, now Zaina Mohamed, who has apparently gone "under the knife" a few times. Under the knife. Knives. Al Qaeda. Plastic surgery. MTV reality shows depicting plastic surgeries. LIVE. Just me, or do we have an egregiously offensive Mel Brooks production right here?
MEGAN: How awesome would it be if it involved a bunch of scrubs-clad Broadway types dancing with scalpels singing about the fountain of youth and OBL while they took turns cutting zaina and getting blood everywhere.
MOE: Glad you're with me on that! Anyway, here's an extended story on Rasta Bin Laden's cougar wife. She claims she actually met Osama Bin Laden at a party in the early 70s. Before Omar was even born! Damn, that would freak me out were I, uh, the estranged 26-year-old son of Osama Bin Laden's son.
So should we discuss the outfits?
Of Omar, I mean.
Although Cindy McCain and Omar, just from a sartorial perspective, look like they'd be friends.
MEGAN: Indeed. Although, on Cindy: do you think she had to grow her hair out because pollsters showed that it made people uncomfortable? Because she was cuter with short hair, I think.
MOE: I think Meghan McCain was like "Mommy pixie cuts are over" and that's how that happened. I prefer it long. Although either way, she does NOT have that "first lady look." If they were polling this shit she'd be in earth tones and soft makeup. But she's got some independent style spirit going on. I think I'm going to make a gallery of her rainbow coalition of outfits later.
MEGAN: I like colors, like, a lot. I have suits in red, purple, light blue, sea green, ivory... but that's because the monochromism of Washington gets to me. Maybe it gets to Cindy, too.
MOE: Yeah, if there is an opposite of my philosophy of how to dress, she is it. But she and John won South Carolina, which I think is good news for the country if not so much for the Democrats and definitely will provide an engaging flow of new outfits to critique. In other news Romney and Clinton won Nevada, but Obama got more DELEGATES and Ron Paul got second place. Will you play Doris Kearns Goodwin for a sec and tell me the last time "delegates" mattered more than momentum? Because Obama won an equal amount of delegates in New Hampshire too. Yesterday all the talk shows were like "it could go all the way to the convention!!" Could it really go all the way to the convention? And why the fuck hasn't Edwards dropped out yet?
MEGAN: So, the conventions sort of work like the electoral college- each state gets to send delegates (only, unlike the electoral college, the delegates don't all have to agree). So, if Obama keeps pace with Hillary's delegate count, then the convention isn't just a coronation it's an actual meeting to decide who the nominee will be.
Which is what it's intended to be, but coronations work better on TV
MOE: That, I understand. But what's the last time that ACTUALLY HAPPENED?
MEGAN: Oh, like, never.
I mean, Edwards staying in means that, with his delegates in a close race, he can play king maker when he does drop out, assuming it stays close.
Also, Liz basically said him being President is her dying wish. How's he gonna drop out?
MOE: Hahah for a second I thought you meant Liz Glover. But she's totally in it for Ron Paul to win it.
MEGAN: They offered her a ride in the blimp!
MOE: Speaking of, Ron Paul ... second place in Nevada.
MEGAN: My cogent political analysis: most people in Nevada don't like the government. See: gambling, prostitution. Also, I'm gonna say that there are probs a bunch of people that aren't bothered by the racist writings in Nevada.
MOE: Beyond hating the government, it's hard to think Nevada is supposed to be moved by any philosophy requiring a positive outlook re the human condition. You're a pit boss whose take on human nature is pretty much a composite gleaned from thousands of interactions with drunks getting thrown out for grabbing the asses of your cocktail waitresses, Chinese restaurant workers who will spend 92 hours straight blowing the life savings that was supposed to buy them out of indentured servitude with the Fujianese mob, strippers and the multiple female subcultures that emulate their style, and mirthless software programmers who wake up at 6 a.m. to come down and win all these suckers' last hundred bucks.
MEGAN: Yeah, I can see where Hope(TM) wouldn't work there.
MOE: Also it is FUCKING HOT.
MEGAN: But it's so dry that my hair always looks great. Fucking DC humidity.
MOE: Yeah, so I didn't really understand why Obama was even supposed to have a chance in such a place. Like people are going to really bat an eyelash when the Clinton campaign bursts in and tells everyone to go home early, polls are closed...
MEGAN: Polls said he did? Do people just lie to pollsters these days?
MOE: I guess. Why not. What happens in...
MEGAN: I'll quietly pretend I didn't hear that.
Last time I was in Vegas, a married guy trying to get in my pants ACTUALLY said that,
He also went with "My wife and I have an agreement, as long as I'm discrete." I went with "So me a signed, notarized affadavit to that effect and we can talk."
MOE: I just sent you a story about Osama's son from the Daily Mail last year. It's funny because everything he says about his dad — he loved sports! We barbecued! he has a great sense of humor! — sound like Jenna Bush in Texas Monthly. Maybe she'll come to Omar's horse race for peace? Related: their sex = involves props I'm thinking.
MEGAN: While he's not my speed, I'm all for the older woman-younger man hookups, if for no other reason then I'm getting older. But, I don't want to watch.
MOE: I bet she writes erotica.
Ew.
Comments
Seriously though. Who DOESN'T love Phish? Good for him.
Uh-oh. Most of the trustafarians I knew ended up getting antsy by 27 and went to work for Dad's company.
Also: Cindy McCain was totally Stepford in that Barbie-pink suit she was rocking last spring. Good lord.
But then again, what is the "first lady look"? Dolley Madison wore feathered turbans and chewed tobacco, and she kicked some serious first lady ass.
life imitates west wing with this convention business
I love that he exists. Though, by the looks of him, he's also into Battlefield Earth.
Agreed there, Megs: I'd rather see OBL's son just all by himself in one of those solo vids on Xtube.
OBL's recent prayer to Allah:
Oh cruel Allah, whyest thou foist my deadbeat hippie libtard peacenik family shaming son upon me? Have I not been a faithful warrior for your true way (unlike those pork eating Shiites)? How did I displease you? Was it because I once wacked off to a Victoria Secret Catalog or laughed at an episode of the Simpsons? Please tell me what awful sin I must atone for, for making my cursed dog defiling son marry an infidel plastic surgery addicted cougar? Is this some cruel joke? If so, I'm not laughing. Please tell me! Uh, and death to America. kthksby.
HFA
Is it me, or does he look like Mike Bordin (drummer) from Faith no More?
Makes strange pictures in my head...
@seresy:
[www.vicfirth.com]
@seresy:
[www.drumsoloartist.com]
That makes TWO infidel offspring. Remember the singer/model daughter?
@HeatherNumber1: yes! john travolta! that was the name that kept trying to poke its way into my head while looking at this strange person.
@bananaballs: Doesn't he have a whole mess of kids or something? In any given family, I'm sure the number of infidels born increases exponentially with each new kid. So glad my parents only had three -- I'm like half-infidel.
mkay. im really happy that there is now a megan blogger. NAME TWINS HOLLER (though i gots an "h" thrown in thurr)
Wait. You mention the Daily Mirror article and then don't link to it? Do I look like I can Google?
I <3 OBL Jr. He's like all of the genres I lusted after in high school all rolled up into one only slightly greasy package (a Y-chromosome burrito, if you will). He's got earnest hippie, angsty goth and dark n'mysterious all wrapped up. Shake some hot sauce on him and he's good to go.
Oh never mind. Also, I like cheshire better than cougar. Those brits and their way with language.
@IvyLeagueMetalhead: And some rasta, too.
HFA
@hugnkiss: I'm beginning to think that infidel-ness skips a generation. Kinda like certain diseases.
HFA
I love the Barber reference. Interesting read.
@hildegaard: Best part? Decisions to be made in Nicorette-filled backrooms.
HFA
In Jr. Bin Laden's defense, those aren't dredlocks; they're braids. GET IT RIGHT JEZEBEL.
he looks like one of the arabs from that cheech & chong movie (the one played by chong).
Do you think that whatever western city OBL Jr. happens to be visiting at a given time is in some ways the safest city in the world?
Zania looks like a vampire from one of the old Hammer Studios color vampire flicks...in fact, isn't that photo taken on the set of an old Hammer Studio vampire flick?
As for UBL Jr., I'm glad to see that Pappy Laden was broad-minded enough to have at least one Klingon wife.
Oh shit. He looks like a caricature cooked up by Saturday Night Live.
@Tommmcatt: LOL - that's right: I forgot about sci-fi-loving prog rocker!
How is it that Monica Lewinsky is having trouble finding a job and a life outside of her past but this guy is hooked up with a favorable living and a royal Demi Moore?
Yeah, when I first saw his pic on CNN I thought he was a character from Star Trek.
I wonder if he's on the no-fly list.
No humidity, great hair! All hail Nevada!
come on, how far are we, really, from VH1's "Growing Up Bin Laden"? about this couples' 3rd Gen OBL spawn?
Did you really have to make the only description of his wife "a surgically enhanced Linda Carter lookalike twice his age"? I'm 42, non surgically altered, but this snide remark gave me a momentary flash of insecurity about both my looks and my age. It's like the bar is constantly being raised, and if you don't get all plasticized, you're letting yourself go, but if you do, you're some kind of vampire freak who's trying too hard.
They are BOTH on the do not fly list. I read an article on this union not too long ago in one of the London rags. She also just one of his wives. I think he has another 2 or 1 back home.
@taber: Seriously, I'm now thinking about moving there. The snowboarding is good?
@Tommmcatt:
I don't know why, but I have a thing for trashy-looking middle eastern guys, The shop at the gas station by my apartment is like a playground for me. I'd totally hit that, baby fat and all.
@bananaballs: I thought she was his niece. Anyway, still the same generation. So many people must hate them, right? Parents of suicide bombers, their peers in al Qaeda; seems there's an excuse for being a rebellious spoiled brat sometimes.
@Freedumb: When I lived in Europe, French-Arab dudes were extremely "friendly." European natives would be all aloof in the clubs, but the Middle Eastern guys were all up on it, all the time.
Young bin Laden is clearly a lover, not a fighter. Looks like a candle-lighter, too.
@kittenfoo:
Now, now, I didn't say "Vampire Freak". I just meant that the last time I saw that particular look it was in "Vampire Circus". Most of the women in that movie are pretty fierce looking.
Is it bad to say that he is every level of ugly?
I would kill for that headboard.
@meaverly:
Well, that settles it, I'm moving to France if the next president is Huckabee. Or Giuliani. Or Hillary. Screw it, I'm just moving to France.
Did anyone read the Daily Mail article? He already had one wife when he hooked up with the older lady. I just read another article about this guy on CNN, but it did not mention his other wife.
@Freedumb:
My french boyfriend and I already have an understanding that if another Republican gets elected we are moving to France. I'm tired of half of my taxes going to pay for a war. I would much rather be paying for socialized health care.
@Freedumb: The guestworkers program in Germany helped to create similar conditions, difference being that the majority of those gentlemen in Germany are of Turkish descent.
@saradanger: Yeah, and kids, too. This article is just about how she is crazy and crazy, though, plus when they go on their XXX for Peace press junket that life as a scrap metal worker (?) will be nothing but a bad dream.
Dreads down to your waist are not a hairstyle, but a lifestyle.
That is all.
Welcome, Wonkette Exiles! For the regulars, please excuse us -- it takes a few moments to gauge the level of the room.
I'm too lazy and hung over to look it up, but doesn't OBL Sr. have a buttload of offspring scattered about?
Haha. I said buttload.